Cashed » Lip Gallagher [2]

»part 34 » drown with me

"Tell me, you don't want me no more..."

-

I associate people with colors.

It's something I've always done since I was young. I'm not saying I've practiced reading people's aura's or anything, but I'd like to think that I can see beyond their front. In times of stress and relief, I've found that associating colors with people brings sense to their nature. Maybe it's because I grew up with two parents who argued one day and kissed each other the next, but finding answers in their colors set me at ease.

When I think of my mother, I see green.

To me, green doesn't mean nature or holistic. It doesn't mean luck or serenity like most people would think. When I see the color green, I think of envy. The green-eyed-monster in the vessel of a forty-year-old craziest. It's her nature to be malicious and greedy. Almost like a snake.

When I think of my father, I see black.

Black to me is simple: voidance. I don't know the man and now I never will. To me, he's just a void of space filled with empty intent. Nothing.

When I think of Renee, I see orange.

She's unpredictable and perplexing. With the flamboyant front that she puts up, there's a deepness behind her eyes that people could lose themselves in. I did.

There are always different shades to the colors. Rarely are they the same shade. They shift with human emotion and depend immensely on their state of mind. It may not make sense to most people, but to me, it answers all the questions that never leave my mouth. It's sanity in the chaos. Strange, yet grounding.

After the few months I've known Julian, I was never able to find a concrete color. One day he would be soothing blue and the next he would be a moody purple. I paid it to the fact that he was still finding who he was from the inside out. When I met Julian, he was a lost soul trying to ground himself off the ashes of his addiction. He was building to be something strong.

But as I sit on the bathroom floor with my back pressed against the door and tears running down my face, I can finally see his true color.

Julian is grey.

A sickly grey, void from any color of redemption. He's a mess inside and out. Instead of rebuilding from the ashes, Julian has sunk deeper into his past and burrowed in his downfall.

And it's all my fault.

I pulled my knees closer to my chest, hoping for the silence to find us. I could feel my heart vibrate through my chest as each beat sent a shockwave through my body. The tears were never ending that ripped hot down my face. I was in a panic.

"Cash, please." Julian said through a sob. "Just open the door."

My back buckled once another slam rippled through the door, shaking my whole body. I sniffled back tears and cursed myself for being an angry crier. Tears may have ruined my composure, but I was still attempting to conceal myself. I could feel anger boiling over twice it's normal rate. My heart raced and my blood ran hot. I may have been crying, but that doesn't mean I was sad.