Jones

Ch 69

Bad at love~Halsey

Cold Sweats~BLKNZ & Satica

PAULINAS POV// June 5, 2014 

          The 4th wasn't such a good day for any of us here. If you ask me it could have easily been avoided. Daniel didn't have to send out that text. No one could have shown up to Angie's place. None of this had to happen. But like Isaac said. We're all fucked up children with literally no aspiration to do anything other than start drama. I most likely ruined two relationships at once. Oh wait make that three. Daniel was my friend too. Im not sure how things are going to turn out for all of us. We're literally seventh graders. Whats the hurry to grow up? Theres so much pressure for no reason and I'm being serious. I gave up something so important to me to someone who I knew I was going to fall out of love with. Nothing like your ex. 

            My idea of Isaac has evolved from a boyfriend, to an intervene boyfriend, to a friend and now he's just Isaac. I haven't lost care for him but I lost interest. I'm not sure what I am. Its not what Isaac wants but I can't always be what he wants. I can't always adjust to the status he obtains. My status is not his status. He keeps eating at my guts and he doesn't even intend on doing so. He looks at me and I feel anger but I also feel lost. A part of me is with him. A part of me is owned by him and despite the fact that we aren't together anymore makes this 10 times worse because I have to live with that fact that I loved him first. "Paulina you bitch" Trust me I know I'm thinking the same damn thing. Crystal reminds me everyday that I'm a bitch. No surprise. Now I'm not trying to get deep and I literally always fail to not do that but what I'm trying to say is feelings and love are too different things. You can have feelings for someone but not love them. And when it comes to boys they determine if they like you by looking between your legs. Im not saying girls don't stare at a guys dick to see if a print is visible. I mean thats not the first thing I did when I met Isaac but I know its a universal trick. 

Our girls vacation is in six days and I honestly don't know what to expect. I thought I was a fucking psychic and tried predicting what would happen at Angie's that night but like always I was wrong. 

Im seriously still distraught over everything. These are my friends. We were supposed to hold on to each other. I promised God I wouldn't be sexually experimental until I was old enough to explain the difference between the 60's and the 70's. But here I am fucking pushing my own limits. 8th grade was supposed to be my year. Im fucking with the universe as if I have the capability of pursuing out the rest of my life without its help. I don't. And again you're probably like "Paulina shut the fuck up, build a bridge and get the fuck over it." If I could I would but this is a lot more serious than a middle school break up. Things are destroyed. Friendships are broken. The value of everything is lost. 

I drive myself crazy thinking about how badly I want two people and thinking about how badly I want to take all of my friends, tape all of us together and glue us to a lamppost. I mean I can't actually take it that far but y'all get it. 

I take today to pack a travel bag with shit that I'm taking to Santa Barbara with me. I don't exactly want to go just because I'm not gonna be alone with Angie. No I'm not just trying to get at her. I didn't just look between her legs taking my pick. I didn't just say "Oh! I want this one!" 

No.

For now lets not think of me as "That Bitch." I mean I am but I'm not THAT bitch. Lets think of me as Paulina THE bitch.

And the crowd goes wild.