Jones

Ch 78

I Drive Myself Crazy~Nsync 

I can tell several times you've asked to list some of my greatest challenges in life. These questions have come up while you've read my narcissistic descriptions of the things I complain about most. You probably don't want to hear about my boring capitalistic lifestyle that I live among my conservative family. You see the thing about conservatives is they want you to live by the rules that were established before condoms were even a trend. They believed that if you want to have sex you must be ready to be accountable for another life. Conservatives thank that if a young girl is wearing a short skirt or even shorts they'll think, "pro create!" or  "Impregnate!" 

Thats not just the shitty part about my life. You want to hear about the homosexuality confusion part. As a matter of fact its about the part where I woke up. The part where everything in the world starts to flip and nothing makes sense. Society wants you to think that your life doesn't start to make sense until you age and develop wisdom. But really everything makes sense until your mind decides to go bat shit crazy on you. Crystal once told me that there is no such thing as nothing. She said, "You an say nothing is in between us when really there is air, there are atoms and there is this bench" She made me think about that for a very long time. It is true. Nothing does not exist. You can do something about anything. There is always something between another thing. Nothing is not real.  Nothing is not just an empty void of thought that was created by some philosopher who sits on a corduroy couch all day eating pop tarts and drinks bourbon all day. These things can easily be figured out as you start to think for yourself. Everything made sense until I started thinking for myself. 

        What I'm trying to say is that when you're a baby, and a toddler and even halfway through middle school your mind is dictated by older people who don't get how our minds work despite the fact they've been there before in our shoes. This is one of the biggest challenges I've faced. Learning to think for myself. I depended on Isaac for so long to think for me and get me through this shithole middle school when really I was secretly thinking for him and myself. I was never once asked what I wanted or how I felt. As long as Isaac was getting his share of head he was fine. As long I wasn't able to figure out my own way Isaac was happy. This is where the grossing homosexuality comes in. In a girls mind. She thinks a boy will fulfill her happiness and keep her content with life. Boys have no clue what girls want. Boys just like girls because they're pretty and they have something between their legs that everyone wants. Imagine walking around with something so valuable that someone is willing to hurt you for it. I do it everyday. Angie does it everyday. Crystal does it everyday. Girls do it everyday. The idea of boys liking girls is a critical concept that a boy is taught from the moment they're able to walk. A boy is told to "Man up" if he cries. Girls are told to "act like a lady" to please the male sex. The thing about duo girl love is that girls get each other. They don't just like you because you're pretty and have a functioning vagina. Girls get you. Girls resinate with you. Something boys can't do. 

This is the most challenging things I've had to put up with. Living in a world where men make the decisions. Where men are perceived as smart. I won't generalize. Isaac is incredibly smart but he's still an idiot fucktard. We live in a world where half of the earth is unexplored. Humans think they know everything when they know maybe 0.02% of everything. Its shitty I know. 

Its only been two days since school started and I already hate 8th grade. I still haven't officially broken up with Isaac. I'm purposely trying hold onto him. Its been two years. Its hard letting go of something that feels just like home for someone who feels like home and more. it wouldn't be right of me to break up with him now because we're in science but I need to do it soon. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

*3:09pm*

"Isaac" I somewhat shout because I see him walking in front of me after school. He turns around and when he sees me and stops. 

"Can I help you?" he asks in a solid tone. 

"Wow you're cold today." I say and start walking beside him. 

"What do you need?" He asks without looking at me.

"Can we go over here?" I ask him and point down the road where no one walks after school. 

He nods and we turn down the secluded road. We walk until we cant hear the chatter of everyone else. 

"I wanted to talk to you about us." I say when we pick a spot to stop and talk. 

"What about us?" he asks and drops his backpack. I drop mine too because this could be a long conversation.

"Ever since Rio things have been different between us lately. I rediscovering myself for the second time. You were there for the first time but now I have to figure out my own way." I say and twiddle my hands. 

"Do you want to break up?" He asks and comes closer to me. 

"I think that is what I am implying. Yes." I say and look up at his gorgeous massive hazel eyes. 

"Fuck Isaac you make this so hard." I say and turns round. 

"Pauls I'm just standing here." he says 

"Exactly you just stand there and look at me. You drive me insane." I say and let out a huge sigh. 

He puts his hands on my shoulders and turns me around. I stare at him and my eyes begin to water. Our last two years together flash before my eyes and he hugs me. It was warm and welcoming. Like hugging your best friend after crying over something morally stupid. 

My Isaac instincts kick in and I kiss his delicious lips one last time. He tastes like his usual strawberry mint flavor. His lips still take the same route around mine. It was like there was nothing wrong with us but in reality there was a lot wrong with us. Everything was wrong with us. The 0.02% of everything that I know is wrong with us. 

"I'll always love you Paulina." he says into my ears and surprisingly I wont cry because this is the one thing I was prepared for. 

"I'll always love you Isaac." I say back. 

"We're still friends right?" I ask.

"Duh" he says in a. girlish tone. He grabs his backpack and I watch my ex boyfriend stroll down the street we used to take to get to my house on early days and Fridays. 

I stand in the same spot I broke up with my boyfriend and consult myself before picking up my backpack. 

My phone rings and its Angie.

"ITS ABOUT TIME." she says and I can hear Crystal Kassidy and Grace screaming in the background. 

"what?" I ask wiping my eyes. 

"WE WERE WATCHING THE WHOLE TIME." Crystal yells. I look over down the street by school and see all the girls huddling over Angie. I smile at the fact that I have really bitchy friends but they're the best bitches ever. I pick up my backpack and walk back to them hoping for some comfort. 

Its hard to believe this is the end of it all. The end of an era that carried me so far. Im sorry I let you down Isaac. But more importantly Im sorry I let you down Paulina. 

After four years Isaac and Paulina have finally went their separate ways. Its sad but the show must go on. From here on out Paulina will be worried about.....someone else.