Daughters of the Nile

Cold Oblivion

Death was vaguely like being half asleep. I was still very much aware but felt as if I should not be. Often in this never-ending void, I thought I could feel things. Stretching my body felt uncomfortable, or at least I thought. As time flew by my place in the abyss shrunk until I felt that it was suffocating. But I persevered, this place was comforting to me, and I had the sinking suspicion that if I allowed things to run their course I'd resent the ending. So no matter what I refused to let this strange place push me around.

Sometimes I would dream, which for me was weird. Before I offed myself I was a science major in college who focused on the studies of the human body. I had done extensive research on REM sleep as well as a few other things in my free time, and I knew that by theory a brain would be needed for activities such as dreams and critical thought. Both of which I'd never actually stopped doing since I once again gained awareness.

A part of myself thought, maybe I truly was alive, and perhaps this was what being in a coma was like. After so long by myself in the dark I sincerely hoped that was the case. I couldn't fathom staying with my thoughts forever, as I was never a religious person. I did not believe that if limbo existed, that I wouldn't be forced to relive the mistakes of my life. Or maybe that was my hope. That I didn't stupidly kill myself only to exhaust my existence in a vast dimension of nothingness. Maybe I should-

Oh, I fell asleep again. There was a sound. It was muffled, almost like listening to a conversation underwater. I couldn't make out the words, but for some reason, each mutter sent a vibration through my body and it was soothing. I closed my eyes again. Not once did it occur to me to wonder how I closed my eyes.

-----This is a line-----

I fell in and out of consciousness, it was tiring to feel as if I existed fleetingly. Before long I felt my void grow smaller, or maybe I got bigger? It was hard to focus enough to care. But it was a tight fit. Sometimes I had to push things around just to get comfortable, other times I felt claustrophobic and shuffled unendingly, stretching out my limbs, hoping the space would widen up. It never did.

Not once did I wonder how I could move. Or why I had limbs that moved now but didn't in the past. I just wanted to rest, and these intervals of suffocating awareness in between were beginning to feel like hell. 'please let me sleep'

Every time I "woke up" I felt the walls of this place enclosing on me. The murmurs grew loader, making it harder to slip away again, and sometimes I even felt a jolt or jab, the pain may have been intense or I might have been too sensitive, it was hard to tell.

Soon I figured that I was being punished in limbo. That this is what happens when you kill yourself, the afterlife waiting for you keeps you completely unsatisfied. I closed my eyes again pushing away thoughts and feelings.

----This is a line----

Something broke. I don't know what, but I felt something in my world break. Suddenly I was being crushed. It was the same feeling you get when you've tangled yourself in your comforter and realized you can't it undone, and it's too tight. For a minute I stopped everything. I stopped struggling and stilled, I didn't even breathe. Then it was cold and bright, and I felt like I'd come out of the Pacific Ocean in the middle of winter. I still didn't breathe. I think I'd forgotten how to. One shock to another made it hard to remember air. 'Why do I even need air when I'm dead?'

There were exclamations, it sounded happy, but I saw black spots moving in on the bright whites. There was something rough on my skin, and all I thought about was 'pain! That hurts, stop!' Then my body was being cradled, and I remembered to breathe. The air was sharp, cold and suddenly I knew no more.