You're Not Alone (Austin Carlile)

28. Sing

Title credit: My Chemical Romance

Holly's POV:

2 Days Later

I haven't slept at all. Everyone is getting more worried about me every passing minute, but I keep telling them I'm fine. Even though I'm anything but fine. I feel dead, lifeless, basically a walking carcass. I have no emotions, and Austin can tell because I'm no longer in lovey moods, I'm grouchy most of the time. I don't want touched, not even holding his hand. When I do sleep, I get about 2 hours in if I'm lucky. Being on bed rest is actually really shitty, I can't do anything. I feel like an animal trapped in a cage. It's only day 3 of the medicine, I hope it kicks in soon, I don't like feeling like this.

Today is just like yesterday, I'm sitting out in the lounge with Lights. Yes, today is her due date, she should be leaving soon. Even she can tell I've become a grouch, since she is barely talking to me, yet again I'm not talking to her either. I feel like I'm muted, I barely even talk to Austin, it's mostly just 'mhm' and 'yeah'. Suddenly Lights looks over at me with a panicked expression. Then I see the water running off the leather couch.

"Shit! I'll get Beau!" I say jumping to my feet, then running to the front of the bus. That's the first I've said a full sentence in two days. "Beau!" I call out as soon as I exit the bus. Nothing. "BEAU!" I scream again at the top of my lungs.

"What!" He yells, running towards me. He looks like he just got back from a run.

"Lights' water broke!" I yell out of breath.

"Shit!" He runs on to the bus and I run in after him. He picks her up bridal style and carries her off the bus. I follow them until they get to the car. "Are you coming to the hospital with us?" Beau asks. I hesitate for a second.

"I want to go, I do! Don't get me wrong! But I can't go back to a hospital. No, not yet. It's too soon." Beau nods his head understandingly, then shuts the car door and within seconds, speeds away. I'm missing her big moment, the moment I promised to be there for. Why do I always fuck things up? Just when I thought I was finally happy it is torn apart. I don't even want to be on this planet anymore. I return to the bus and lay in my bunk staring at the top of it. I stay like that for hours, even when the guys come back from playing.

A week later

Me yelling for Beau was the last words to leave my mouth. After that I haven't talk to anyone. Yeah, even Austin. Little Rocket is precious though. Her little hands are so cute. Lights brings her to our bus so I have something to do, even though I just sit and watch. I still don't feel any better. I've only gotten 3 hours of sleep from the past 5 days. I've been downing energy drinks just to stay awake, but the affects are slowly wearing off. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I throw up everything I eat, I pull at my own hair, I'm a wreck. Austin keeps telling me it's going to get better with time, but I don't know if I can believe him. He doesn't have to go through this. He doesn't know that I'm living in fear of sleep that I desperately need. Then if I sleep, it becomes hell upon earth, that seems to never end. The medication still hasn't kicked in, I feel like it never will. I just want to be happy. Happy. Ha. That will never happen.

I leave the lounge and go sit in the bathroom. I turn up the hot water the whole way, then get in, clothes on and all. I just want to feel something. The boiling hot water would usually sting my skin, but I feel nothing. I don't know how long I'm zoned out for before the water turns to ice, snapping me from my daze. Still nothing. I hit the back of my head off the wall of the shower. After the 20th bang of my head Aaron barges in and shuts the water off without a word. I don't even look up at him, he's disappointed in me, I already know it. He pulls me off the shower floor, and wraps me in a towel. In the mirror I can see I'm shaking, but I don't feel like I am. I don't even recognize myself, I look dead, even though I'm obviously alive. I feel dead on the inside though, does that count for something? Aaron takes my soggy clothes off and replaces them with new ones, he doesn't look at anything he isn't suppose to. He just does what he needs to do to stop me from shaking. Then he puts me in my bunk, and puts my blanket over me. God I feel like a baby they have to take care of. I should just end it all and make it easier on them.

Aaron's POV:

I shut Holly's bunk curtain, then take her damp clothes into the bathroom to dry. She's a wreck, and it just keeps getting worse and worse. We can't keep letting it slide, she needs help. I'm afraid she's going to try and kill herself at any given minute. Austin boards the bus, but I grab him by the arm and pull him back out of the bus.

"What's that for?" Austin asks curiously. Here goes nothing.

"Holly is getting worse. I just found her in the shower again, in freezing cold water banging her head off the wall. Lights said she was in there for a whole hour. We can't keep pushing this off Austin. She needs help." I let my words sink into his head. I know he doesn't want to put her back in a hospital but it's for the best. Austin falls to his knees, hiding his face in his hands. There is no doubt how hard it is for him to hear that.

"I-I guess so." Austin speaks softly, I know he is going to start crying. I crouch beside him, putting my arm on his shoulder.

"This hurts me a lot too, she's like a sister to me, but it's for her sake, she needs to get better. This won't get better over time without professional help." He nods his head slowly. Now the challenging part is getting her there.

The Next Day

Austin's POV:

"All her papers are in order." Aaron says to me. I couldn't sleep at all last night, I feel horrible for doing this to her. She didn't stay in the bunk last night, she was in the lounge just, sitting there staring. I sigh, then walk into the bus to see her before they take her away from me. I just want some one-on-one time, to see if she will speak to me.

"Hey sweetie." I say walking towards her in the lounge. She doesn't look up at me, or acknowledge my existence. I sit down beside her and take her hand in mine. I take in a sharp inhale to stop myself from crying. "It's me, Austin. I don't know if you're ignoring me, or can't hear me, but I love you. I love you so much and I hate seeing you like this. You are my everything." I pause to wipe my eyes. She still hasn't looked at me and it kills me inside. "I'll make sure you get better. When you're better I can't wait for you to talk to me. God I-I miss hearing your voice. Holly I love you so much, okay? Don't ever forget that." I kiss her forehead, trying to hold back the strain in my voice. She still hasn't moved. I quickly get up, exiting the bus blubbering like a baby. I hate seeing her be a zombie. She isn't the girl I'm in love with. I fall to the ground, letting my tears stain my cheeks.

"It's okay." Alan says, rubbing circles on my back while I hiccup from crying. I've never cried this hard since my mother died. Aaron goes into the bus and retrieves Holly, taking her out to the car, carrying her bridal style. I walk over to the car before they leave. I hold her hand in mine one last time. I can feel the tears coming on again.

"I love you, no matter what." I say before kissing her hand. Then I stand up as Tino shuts the door. Within the next few seconds they are driving away from the venue, and out of my sight. I don't know when I'll ever see her again. I fall to my knees and cry loudly, tugging on my hair. I don't care who sees me, a grown man crying like a baby. I just lost the most important person in my life. Alan gets on the ground and holds me in a hug. Then he swats my hands away from my head, but I keep placing them back in my hair. I literally feel like my heart is being ripped out of my chest.

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Short chapter sorry. I love you <3
-Holly