SAVE [UPDATED]

7: Mistakes

I slowly dozed off, but I was awake enough to feel Josh bridal-style carry me upstairs, tucking me in, and kissing me goodnight.

I was out like a light and fell into a deep sleep. Some time later, I woke up from my nap to see Josh snuggled next to me. On the nightstand, a red clocked glowed "2:10" making my eyes water. I lay back down, trying to sleep, but I couldn't. I just went through my thoughts.

It was an okay day. Nothing too bad happened. Josh and I patched things up, and I'm feeling better. It was a good day. I had a good day.

But the urges were there. Pretty badly too.

Why do I feel the need to do this? Why now? I had a good day, why do I feel the need to do such a horrible thing?

I quietly searched the room to see my bag slumped in a corner from the day I got drunk. It was small, but it had what I needed. I immediately grabbed the metal, went across the hall, and into the bathroom.

I take off Josh's shirt, not wanting to make a mess. I eyeball the razor, looking back at myself, tears falling from my cheeks.

Why am I like this? Why am I so fucked up? Why can't I ever do something good in this world? Why? Why?! Why!! WHY!! WHY??!!

At this point I was balling hysterically, covering my mouth to muffle my noise, trying not to wake Josh up.

I lined my arm up, and did my business. Some were small, others were gashes, and some began to make me feel worried for myself. But I kept going.

He doesn't really love you. That's why he cheated. You're not good enough.

I look at my arm, pulsating blood, as I dropped my razor on the floor, exhausted.

*knock knock knock*

"Hey Ty, you in there? Are you alright?"
I jump, scared that Josh would see this mess.

"Y-Yeah I'm o-okay..." I choke on my tears, looking at the ceiling and ready to go back to bed, or ready to die from loss of blood. Either or was fine by me, I didn't really have a plan here.

"Okay, well, let me know if...W....Wait...Tyler, open the door right now!"
"I'm...I'm almost done I'll be out in a se-"

"TYLER JOSEPH, OPEN THE DOOR. PLEASE."

I couldn't feel my arm and was too tired to get up. I was too weak. Suddenly, I hear Josh body slamming the door, bursting into the bathroom, and falling to his knees.

"Oh...oh my god. Tyler...why didn't you tell me? A-actually, never mind. I'll save the questions for later, we need to get you cleaned up."
I made him so upset. I felt so bad.

"I-I'm sorry."
I began choking on my sobs and hiccuping from crying so much.

God you're so pathetic.

"Hush baby, I've got you." He whispered.

A warm washcloth cleans the blood off my arm, and immediately Josh wrapped my arm in a bandage. He wipes the floor of any blood and scrubs the carpet.

That's how he knew.

I thought. My blood must've trailed to under the door and seeped into the bedroom carpet. There wasn't much, just enough to make me feel bad.

He helps me back to bed, holding my hand. I was once again, under the covers and warm. I let out another cry.

"Why...why am I so fucked up Josh? I had a good day..."
He plays with my hair as I snuggled deeper into his chest.

"You aren't baby....sometimes bad things happen to the best of people for no reason."

"Why...?" I whispered under my breath.

"Because, even though it sucks, that's just life."
I mumble, unsure if Josh would hear me or not.

"I don't like life...it's just not for me."
After my crying stopped, I melted into his arms like lava and fell asleep safely by his side.

Oh only if he knew what was going through my head.

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