SAVE [UPDATED]

17: Relapse

I make my way downstairs smelling the savory aroma of cheesy tacos.

"Bon appetit!" Josh said, setting the two plates on the table.

"Thanks babe." I give him a peck on the cheek.

We sat there and ate our tacos messily. The messy part was mostly Josh though, somehow he got taco grease and cheese on his forehead. I don't know, don't ask. Once we took care of our dishes, we sat on the couch and made small talk.
I think about going back to school tomorrow, and start to stare off.

"Hey....hey, Tyler?"
I snap out of it.

"Hm? Yeah?" I ask.

"Are you okay? You seem...off. You seem disconnected." He gave me a concerned look.

"I'm just struggling with the thought of school. I hate it. I just want it to be over." I sigh.

He pulls me in for a hug, and I noticeably wince at the pain in my arm.

"Tyler...I know it's hard. I love you so much, but...if you relapsed...it's not gonna help. Can you show me your arm please?"
I shook my head. I hated doing this to him.

"...please?"
His voice cracked and I couldn't bring myself to do it. I put my arm out and he rolled down my sleeve. I heard him sniffle and couldn't even look at him. It destroys me. He pulled me to the sink, and took care of my cuts. Let me just say, alcohol wipes hurt like a bitch.

When he finished, we went upstairs and fell asleep. I loved being in his arms. It made me feel...safe.

But I will never truly be safe from myself.

(Next day)

Today school wasn't as bad. The urges were there, but I could manage. Eventually the stares went away, I started raising my grades and went to the therapist there almost daily. Things are still difficult. I keep having...episodes. Bouts of intense depression, covered up sometimes by anger and numbness.

Have you ever felt so exhausted and mentally drained that you just...lay down, think about everything that's wrong and cry? That seems to be a common thing. All I have is josh. He tries to help me, and sometimes it works. But I feel so bad. I don't deserve him. Why would such an amazing person like him stick around with a loser like me? What is he hallucinating that no one else can see that makes me worthy? No one else wants anything to do with me, so I don't know why he stays.

Don't get me wrong, I love him. And he loves me. I just don't know why he loves me. I don't know what he sees.
School is almost over, so I guess that's a plus. Guess we'll have to see how that goes.