SAVE [UPDATED]

20: Reminders

Josh came home and we decided to make some plans for the weekend. He invited some of our friends, Gerard, Brendon, and Frank over to just hang out.

We played super smash bros, and it got pretty wild. Brendon spilled over a drink, Gerard tried choking Frank, Josh started calling Gerard a sass queen, and Brendon argued that he was actually the sass queen.

What a mess.

But it's a lovely mess.

We had pizza for dinner and later that night we watched some comedy shows. Everything was going well...

...until the drinks came out.

Usually Josh doesn't drink, but it was a hang out night, and he got a little bit more drunk than he planned. And so did everyone else.

It feels lonely being the only sober person in the room, like you're missing out on a connection that everyone else is having without you. We played cards against humanity until some buttons got pushed.

Brendon began talking about relationships and that started quite the conversation.

"I've dated soooo many people" he slurred.

"You're like, a toooootal man whore" Frank said.
Gerard and Josh agreed jokingly.

"I'm not, I've had lasting relationships before" I began to felt anxious as Brendon clearly did not like being called a man whore, which is understandable. The tension in the room righted around my throat, making it hard to swallow.

"Suuuure you have" Josh said.

"I have, I'm not a slut"

"You're right, you're a whooooore" Gerard giggled. Frank and Josh had a stupid idea.

"Man whore! Man whore! Brendon likes sex but he always wants more!" They chanted. I knew they crossed the line.
Brendon turned a bright shade of red as he was clearly getting ready to blow up.

"Well at least I'm not a fucking drug addict like frank and gerard, and at least I'm not a cheater who's fucking a mentally deranged cutter!" He spat as he stood up, walked out and slammed the door.

We all looked at each other in shock, then the three all looked at each other in anger. Frank was the first to get up, and Gerard tried to stopped him as he followed him out.

Then Josh got up.

"Please Josh, this won't help!" I tugged at his arm. He broke free and stormed outside into the rain. I ran outside to find the three of them shouting at each other, pushing each other around.

I began to panic.

The only friends I have are fighting. They might not be friends again. I'm going to lose them.

"Stop!" I yelled. They didn't listen.

"Stop, please stop you guys! Please!" I began pleading and begging, unnoticeable tears forming in my eyes.

I began to panic, my breathing hitched and I held my tight chest. Josh turned and looked at me, turning back to Brendon.

"See, now you're giving my man a panic attack!" They started to have a fist fight and I couldn't handle it. I ran inside and headed to the bathroom, shutting and locking the door.

Instead of helping you through a panic attack he's getting drunk and fighting.

"No no no this can't be happening, not now." I thought.

I haven't had a panic attack in a long time, so this made it so much worse. I began to shiver as I was freezing, but I began to sweat profusely.
I rocked back and forth, trying to calm down but I just couldn't. I tried distracting myself but all I could hear was the yelling from outside the  bathroom window.

You need to. You have to.

"No, I've been clean for so long I can't do that to Josh."

Why not? He's doing this to you. Does he even really care?

I couldn't argue with my head anymore, my panic attack exhausted me and I gave in. I needed to focus on something else. I stood up, desperately searching in my old hiding spots for any blades I may have forgotten to throw out.
I checked underneath the sink, under the carpets, behind toiletries and in drawers.
Then I checked on top of the door frame, and felt the metal I was looking for.

Bingo.