Fear

Chapter Nine

Recap:                

"I hate myself for lying to you for him Payson. I just felt I owed it to him because he was sick but then I almost lost you too and I couldn't take it. I lied to both of you about the seriousness of your guys' condition and it could've cost lives. I am so sorry Payson."

I nodded my head knowing it all now. I watched him as he shook and quaked with tears pouring from his eyes. "You were taking too much in and not letting it out."

I wrapped my arms around him as I held him. He sat his head in the crook of my neck and cried. "It's okay Josh. I forgive you. I forgive both of you."

Thoughts of Tyler registered in my mind and for some reason I spoke into Josh's shoulder. "And I forgive him too."

                                                                                                        Guest Room

I replayed the events of last week rapidly in my head. I was trying to determine how to act on them.

I took a break from everything and everyone and I was feeling a whole lot better. I had taken a week off of school. I was 10 in my class so I could miss a couple days. I was at my family's cabin about 3 hours away in a small, secluded, woodsy area. It was the definition of peace.

I hadn't talk to Tyson since our fight and I honestly still held anger at him. Not at why he did but because of him not telling me. He just disappeared from my life. I was also angry at how.

The events the night before were some of the best of my life. It was mid November. It was our seven months anniversary and he had taken me an Italian Restaurant. We'd spent the evening on the romantically decorated roof and we talked for hours about life.

I though he'd would've told me about his cancer. I had wished he had. I saw the signs...the weight loss, the vomiting the mood swings, the pallor of his skin. I wanted him to let me help him too. Just like josh was.

I accepted the fact that he wasn't ready and I didn't dwell on it. I didn't want to ruin our night, so I went along with it. We went back to my house to watch movies....or saw he thought. In reality, however, this would be the day I gave myself to him in the most extreme way. I was offering him my virginity.

When I came into my room with the movies there was a catch and immediately he caught on. And he denied me. He told me he wanted to do it right with me as his wife. It was touching but I couldn't help but feel rejected.

When he saw my faltered face he turned me by the chin and looked me dead in the eyes and spoke ,"I keep hurting you."

"No. It's okay, honestly." I lied. It wasn't okay with me but I was going to deal with it.

"I love you Payson. I love you more than life itself and I always want the best for you...even if I'm not the best for you."

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked with fear laced in my tone.

"Of course not." he answered quickly. "I just want you to know that no matter what I love you and I will always love you." As he spoke a single year travelled down his face and I reached up and swiped it away gently with my thumb.

"I love you too Tyson. More than anything."

I heard him mumble into my hair but I don't remember what he said. All I remember after that is watching the Notebook in his arms and waking up in my bed alone.