sick in love

mood swings

"wha-what?" she asks confused.

"you said we don't keep secrets right? well i'm meeting those promises. i have no more secrets. i have confessed everything to you."

"you- love.. me?"

"god liza! yes, okay? i do."

she sat for a moment not able to respond. soon she pulled me into a hug and i didn't know how to react, nor did i know what this meant.

she said she 'really liked' me, but what did that mean?

obviously it meant less to her if she couldn't confess like i did, or she simply never felt those feelings as well. i am thinking to hard on this.

either way i had to keep my head up, a weight was lifted off my chest, but sadness still weighed me down. like that saying, they call it a crush for a reason - cause you're crushed when you find out they don't like you back. it's stupid. this was different though, this wasn't some silly little crush. i was literally in love with my best friend.

honestly i couldn't wait to get out of here, i didn't know exactly what i meant by that, but i wanted to leave and go somewhere very far away. something other than this condition.

for now, i'm fucked. if i'm dying then i guess that's the unwavering truth. i mean- at least i've learned to accept that that could just be the situation. if it was, i was going to stand by it.

i guess i would strive to be the best person i could be. when i said i liked to joke around- that was with my friends. others were simply acquaintances and i was well known, like before i became 'popular' i guess i was very active with school, not much of a quiet child. that was that until i came back from the first week of being sick, i came back happy and skippy in some sort, waving to everyone who waved to me in the halls. then like it's told- i got sick again. and again, and again. until something was just off about me and not even i could figure it out until the week i went to the doctors. then, i fell silent.

the illness taking over, i didn't know what it felt like to be a healthy person anymore. always tired, barely hungry, no one was like me. at least, no one that i knew of.

many times before the line was repeated, but.. i'm truly fucked.

"david? talk to me. what's on your mind?" she breaks off the train of thought. i was legitimately in another world.

"everything," i blinked as i stared off watching the rain and breathing in the absolute fresh air.

"i wish.. i would've known before," she mutters quietly, trying to find what i was looking at, but i had a feeling she knew i was watching the ripples of rain drops into puddles.

"what would you had done then though? knowing you, you would've quit everything, sacrificed everything because your friend is 'dying'. i couldn't let that happen."

"and you've always cared like that, but it's my turn to care," she says.

"liza i swear to god, if you quit anything that leads onto your dream so help me i will make this so much faster and kill myself before this stupid cancer can get to it."

"don't say that. don't you ever say that. you cannot threaten me with that. if you died i would die with you. i would be here alive, but i wouldn't be here, you would kill me," she says.

well fuck.

another series of silence filled the air and only the rumble of cars in the distance and rain coming down the drains was heard.

"who told you?" the simple question floated in my head for quite some time now.

she's quiet and i turn to face her to repeat the question. i opened my mouth just before she spoke.

"that doesn't matter."

"liza yes it does. it was my business, who told you?"

"no, i won't say. i deserved the right to know."

"and i wasn't ready!" it's true, i wasn't. it hurt so bad not telling her, but i felt like it was worse telling her. "liza i told you, it fucking hurts."

"and isn't it better to have a friend by your side?"

"i had three," i muttered.

"but you still couldn't tell me?"

"you're different!" i reason.

"how? i am not any different from the others."

did she not comprehend the conversation we had earlier? did she not hear the whole 'i love you' part. it took a lot to fucking say that and if she never felt scared to tell someone something because she thought it would hurt them, then she never experienced this sort of connection.

i guess it would just be me.

"gods it's like you don't even talk to me anymore. what changed?" i say quietly.

"you changed, david dobrik."

"i did not change. you left me. i got sick. that is the story. you're the one who made it seem like you hated me."

"but- i- don't make me feel worse for this," she stuttered.

i closed my eyes tightly and feared what she would say next.

"you could've told me," she muttered.

"i could've told you?! liza why are you putting this on me? this is no ones fault. it's no ones fault that i'm dying! it's no ones fault that i like you that way! and it's no ones fault that you don't feel the same! do not put the blame on me when there is nothing i can do to change it."

i couldn't tell if i was furious, sad, hurt, or angry, i just couldn't tell.

"why is everything going this way?" i say. "this is not how it's supposed to be. we're supposed to be friends- best friends in fact. i shouldn't be sick and you shouldn't be mad at me for something i can't control. i'm sorry, okay liza? i'm sorry this is my fault."

a/n - these are really bad continuations rn but my birthday is on friday and i'm kinda stressed about it tbh also i'm in a depression "phase" so i might have inspiration to write and not do my homework. i'm trying so hard to get new friends rn what i have is really toxic