sick in love

dont forget me

"you're a jerk! i never want to see you again!"

"wha-what'd i do?" i ask with a stutter.

"it's like you're trying to ruin my relationship, just like you did the last ones. 'you hang out with david too much, i bet you're cheating on me' yes that's exactly what they would say too. it's all your fault! you knew i liked them and you interfered. i can't spend my every minute with you when you're not the one i'm in love with!"

my heart shatters. i grew sick. with tears in my eyes i looked down to the ground, making a few tears fall.

"i'm sorry," i say. "i just didn't want to lose my best friend," i whisper.

liza's face forms to a new expression.

"david," she says slowly. she stared at me with her big brown eyes. never once did she consider that, maybe because she prioritized a boy she actually liked over her best friend of  four and half years. i turn around ignoring her, i clearly wasn't wanted. "david!" my chest heaved as i walked away, nothing hurt more than this.

"david!" she shook me and whisper yelled.

i woke up in a gasp, then laid my head back on the couch.

"god you really were tired. you looked so disturbed i had to wake you. i'm sorry. did you have a bad dream?" she spoke, quietly because it was still way dark out.

i finally caught my breath and nodded.

"tell me about it," she says.

"i- its nothing important," i try to avoid the dream.

"no, no. tell me. i wanna know david," she demands.

"jus- you promise you'll never forget me?" i ask, biting my lip.

"wha-what? david of course. why would you say that?"

"you have all these other boys that you could be going out with and i just don't wanna be the cause of any problems, so just.. don't forget about me," i say, trying to reason.

"david... we've been best friends for four and a half years, i won't forget about you," she says.

"liza face it-"

"no david, you fucking face it!" she whisper yells, becoming frustrated with me. "i'm not going to forget about you! you are one of the most important people in my life, it doesn't matter what other people think, i'd choose you over anyone else. it's three a.m. and i'm still stuck on why you've been so distant and it all happened since you've gotten sick and i know you've been keeping secrets from me. i've given you space, but i have no idea how much time you need. ever since we were fourteen we told each other everything, i told you about my party experiences and why i never attend them anymore," it was true she was sexually harassed, but not to a very far extent that she was scarred, just enough to let her know that parties were not her thing, "and you told me about yours, no matter if it was an encounter with a girl or drugs you did. you are keeping things from me and it's absolutely terrifying. i'm the one that should worry about you forgetting me. i'm the one who should fear losing my best friend because it feels like i already am. can't you just tell me what's going on?" she still spoke still in a hushed, but hurried tone.

"liza," my voice cracks quietly. i want to tell her so badly, but i -it's me who's not ready- i'm not ready to tell her. "i can't."

"you can't?" she asks unconvinced.

"i'm sorry," i say, my voice breaking again.

she sighs and i move to sit up more, hunching over to put my elbows on my knees and my head in my hands.

she stays silent leaning on the other end of the couch her fist to her cheek like she was deep in thought.

"i'm sorry," i say, almost inaudible.

she takes her arm down and ignores me, i'm guessing she didn't just want to walk out the front door at three a.m. but she definitely didn't want to talk.

"you've never kept anything from me?" i ask.

she thinks for a moment, her frustrated expression dropping.

"well.. yeah, just one. it's not important though, it was old and also a long time ago," she says.

"oh."

i guess i'm a terrible friend then. for not telling her how sick i really was. for not telling her how much i really liked her. two secrets, that's all i've ever kept from her.

once again she lays her head back onto the armrest, pulling the blanket up more.

i sighed and stayed in the hunched over position i had picked up earlier.

i wondered if i was clear to smoke a bowl while also on this chemo. the worst it could do is affect my blood samples and my next one won't even be for another three months.

i just needed something to chill. once i could tell liza fell asleep i slowly got up from the couch and stepped up the stairs. out of the middle drawer of my dresser was a small wooden box. it was only unsealed a few days ago when i had placed it in there. i opened the box only to be hit with the smell of the 'loud'. there read a sticky note "for stressful times" and fuck was it a stressful time. i grabbed the prerolled blunt and the blue lighter, then headed back down the stairs and out to the back porch. it was only three thirty and i suspected no one was awake. i sat down in the cold, knowing i wouldn't feel it in just a few minutes. i held the blunt in my mouth and lit it up. the smoke filled my lungs and it only took a few minutes, but i was high. i put out the blunt and brought it inside back to my room. i was only outside for about 20 minutes. i put my things back into the box, sealing it shut, then putting it back into the middle dresser drawer. i changed into a different hoodie and sprayed cologne, hoping i smelled nothing near skunky.

i walked back downstairs and laid comfortably back into my spot on the couch. with the warmth of the blankets pulled onto me i fell into sleep again.

i awoke again, but this time around 6:30. the other end of the couch was missing its earlier presence and liza was gone. the house was quiet and no one was awake on this saturday morning, it was still quite dark.

i picked up my phone off of the coffee table, still slumped from earlier.

two messages from liza;) appears.

i'm sorry.

i wish you could just tell me
what is going on. i really do
care about you i hope you
know that.

i sigh. i wish i could tell her what was going on too.