Skinny Love x [Camren Fanfiction]

rant(don't read if you don't want to)

i'm sorry i haven't been updated for a long time. i've been feeling really unwell, and my mind is fucked up. i can't think straight. everything is just going downfall, and i can't, and i don't know what to feel anymore. i've been pretending that i'm happy to be alive for too long to question whether i actually believe it or not.

i'm getting my report card tomorrow, and i'm pretty sure i'm getting bad grades. i have an explanation for that. i have a very short attention span so i'm most likely to get distracted in class, and my partner isn't helping me either. i was expecting to be partnered with someone really really smart but all i get is a person who distracts me from studies and doesn't pay attention to anything in class and distracts me often. i'm more than mad at her for it, but i couldn't say anything because i'll feel bad for hurting her - but she's one of the many reasons why i get bad grades for my academics.

father has already threatened me that if i don't get good grades, he'll fuck me up again. yes, i said again. why? because the other day, i got beaten up so badly that i couldn't feel anything and i felt like i was dying; which i actually was. it's been a couple of years, and i'm really scared of my life. i've been self-harming for quite a long time now, mainly because of father. i always disappoint him because he always expect so highly of me like fucking dip shit, i'm not fucking smart. i'm average for fuck sake, i don't always excel in my studies. i feel more like a failure now than i ever have felt before. as i'm typing this, i'm crying. i just, my phone is the only source for me to escape from reality; anywhere but reality. i distract myself with songs from my phone that i just don't give a second thought about the world - or what's happening around me because i simply just don't give a fuck, and i can't go out of my house without listening to music because i have bad anxieties, but my parents doesn't even care. they don't care. all they care about are my grades, and my attitude. that's it. father rather let me die than let me live with bad grades. i fucking sacrificed my weekends just to study my ass off for the exam, and i failed almost all of it. i'm such a fucking failure.

i'm just done with this. i've been clean for a couple months, and i'm back at it again. i don't know how long can i last.