This Is The End (PUBLISHING)

Chapter 08

Letter 08

Dear Hide

I can't sleep, my heart it's heavy and it burns like hell. My head is full of screams and my eyes are flooding.

I can't keep doing this to myself...

Stressing myself out by missing you, I can't. I need to find some kind of closure, but...

You're not gone.

There's no way.

There's no fucking way you're gone.

It's not fair. It doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense. A boy gave me a hickey today and I didn't even push him away from me. I let him...

Nothing makes sense.

I wish you were here. Things would be the same. I wouldn't be questioning who I am at 17 years olds. I wouldn't be crying so hard I pass out every night. I shouldn't be like this...

And you shouldn't be gone...

Chapter 08-

I watched my ceiling that night, staring up at the little popcorn bumps and breathing heavy.

I tried to slow my breathing, but my heart was beating too fast and making my lungs feel like they needed to compete. Lying on my back, staring up into the dark ceiling in total darkness, I shut my eyes and swallowed hard.

Placing my hands onto my face and sighing, and gritted my teeth, something I rarely did. It hurt, made my jaw bone feel odd, but I shrugged it off and sat up.

The only light that shone through my door was the light of the hallway, slowly I slid out of bed and began to walk towards it.

My eyes were heavy, my body instantly felt like it was going to fall onto the floor, but I persisted to the hallway and down the stairs of the house, which began to look dizzy and disoriented.

I flopped onto the couch as my throat began to hurt. My chest felt like it was collapsing as I took in more air, and slowly let it out. I reached out my hand for something...anything that might help me.

But my eyes shut too quickly, and everything fell to silence all too quickly. My eyes were shut like glue, as I drifted off into sleep.

-

I woke up long before the rest of my family did that morning, which was definitely more than odd. I went up to my room and changed into some running shorts and my tennis shoes.

I slid on a jacket over my exposed chest and zipped it half way up my body. Placing my earbuds in my ears, I played my music and walked outside into the bright morning sun. There was little snow left in the ground, lots of ice left in the shaded parts of the road.

Taking slow, eager paces for the first few laps around the neighborhood, I checked out the road to see where I could pick up and slow down. After a few walks, I began to pick up my pace to a light jog.

It was the only time I felt in control. Yes, I hate running with all of my heart, but I knew it was a way to feel like my body was under my own control. I could control my breathing, force myself to pick up speed or slow down, and could chose whether I took a break.

Although, I never took a break...

I unzipped my jacket all the way and leg the cold winter air blow onto my chest and run through my hair. My vision was blurring as I stepped towards the side of the road and placed my hands onto my knees.

Tears fell from my eyes and melted the immediately snow underneath them. I leaned back upwards, and took a couple small breaths. The rest of the way, I walked, instead of ran.