This Is The End (PUBLISHING)

Chapter 12

Letter 12

Dear Hide,

I don't even know what to say to you anymore...

I don't understand, I don't know, I just..

No.

I...

I want to know why, but at the same time, I don't think I could ever bring myself to get the answers. I want to understand what was going in your head, but I'm afraid if I do, I'll just be like you.

Chapter 12-

I watched the sun rise the next morning, trying to understand how such a cruel world deserved to see something this beautiful every morning. Such a world where my best friend took his life doesn't deserve this. A world filled with people that made his life miserable, that beat him, that harassed him, that destroyed him, should never be rewarded with such beauty in the dawn of day.

Mom had a day off from work, and she offered to get us pizza for dinner. Dad was stuck at the office until 6, so we all waited for him to come home before we went to grab the pizza.

The car was silent as we drove passed field after field, watching all the trees and the vegetables pass us. I had my headphones in, listening to music, trying my best not to think about Hide.

I fucking missed him.

I tried my best to think about something other than Hide, anyone else that might help me feel better...

The first person I thought about was Adrien. The kiss, no, the make out session we had. The grinding session we had, just the whole night was something out of a movie.

You know, the movies about the straight boy who enjoyed a kiss from a gay boy...

That never fucking happens.

I began to stress, why would I like it? Why would I care? Why did I want him to kiss me that night? Why did I grind my hips with him instead of push him away from me? 

WHY

"I never even thought to ask, but how was skating with, I don't know, that boy?" My father asked, his stomach growling as he finished his sentence. I shrugged, "It wasn't bad," I paused.

My dad smiled, "That's good. I'm glad you went."

"Did mom hear anything about Hide's case yet?" I asked, trying my best to cover my hickey with what little collar I had of my tee shirt. Just thinking about Adrien, how I felt around him, make me shake and being to breath heavily.

My dad sighed, "East, please don't stress over this case..."

"I'm not-"

"-You are," He interrupted. "I know you're anxious about it, I can only imagine.." My father paused, as if he wasn't sure what to say next. How could he possibly know what to say next?

"She did not hear anything new about the case.."

He stopped trying to imagine how I felt and just answered the question. It must have been too hard for him, or maybe he just didn't seem to care. Either way, all I needed to know was whether she heard new information or not.

Dad parked the car and asked us to stay inside the car. "Just don't drive away,"

I nodded, giving him a small, genuine, smile. 

There are times, as funny as this sounds, where he did make me laugh. His corny remarks used to make my day, and even though I don't tell him...they still do.

Carla tapped on my neck and giggled.

"Sounds like your happy," I said, as she giggled.

"Well I am, life is good!" She said, leaning over on the center console, smiling. I gave me a smile back, hoping she wouldn't see my anxiety. the side she was leaning on, the side my dad would have saw if he turned to me while driving, that is the side my hickey is on.

I began to get more and more anxious as our small talk went on, she liked to look deep into things. What would I tell my sister? Oh yeah, I just went into a small closet with this guy and made out with him. Let's also not forget that I got a BONER WHILE MAKING OUT WITH HIM. HE GAVE ME A HICKEY. ON. MY. NECK.

IT IS FUCKING VISIBLE.

I tried to take some deep breath and calm myself, but it felt like it was getting worse.

Dad came out with the pizza just as the anxiety was beginning to make me feel like I would be sick. He handed me the boxes through the passenger window then went around the front of the car to the drivers side. 

He didn't seem to notice that I was starting to feel sick. "How was it while I was gone?" He asked, giving me a small. cheesy grin. I shrugged, trying not to make eye contact and trying to keep my hickey covered.

"It was good, just like always." 

As he began to drive away, I began to feel even more anxious. Maybe it was form the hot pizza's sitting on top of my lap, but I began to sweat. My hands became warm and clammy and my head felt dizzy.

"Dad..."

He glanced over to me for a second, then back at the road. "Yes East?"

"Can you pull over..? I think I'm going to..."

By then, he had started to pull over and I pushed the pizza's onto the dashboard. As soon as the car stopped, I opened the door and leaned out.

I don't think I threw up that much when I was sick, there was so much that I had to get out of the car. The pile up just at the edge was too much. 

It got on my jeans, all over the bottom of my shirt as well.

I didn't have a spare pair of jeans on me, but I did have my hoodie. My father opened up two car doors, had Carla look away, and allowed me to change into my hoodie. 

I got back into the car as fast as I could, covering my lower half of my body with my hands and the long sleeves of my hoodie. My dad had one hand on the steering wheel and hand on the back of my neck. 

"Are you feeling alright?"

I felt okay, now that I had thrown up. I also felt empty, like I was fragile, and had nothing left to give my raging anxiety. It had taken everything from within me and made my own body feel as if it is attacking itself...

I fell asleep on the rest of the drive home,  both my dad and Carla stayed quiet the whole ride just for me. When we did get to the house, my mom was the one who had woken me. 

"Come on inside, honey.."

She put her arm under mine, doing her best to take some of my weight off. I moved my hair out of my eyes, trying my best to stay centered and focused as I walked. 

She helped me to my room and told me to lay down.

"I'll grab you some crackers and some water..."

"Mom, I'm okay...I promise."

She took a deep breath, looking away from me and sitting on the edge of my bed. I pulled the blankets over my body and put my head onto the pillow. "I honestly just think it was y nerves,"

She nodded slowly, "Is there anything that your father and I could do...?"

I leaned up and put a hand on her shoulder, she turned to me and I smiled. "I can do this," I paused, as she took a deep breath and smiled.

"I promise, mom."