Letters To Gerard. [Frerard]

The Eleventh Letter.

Is this because of me? Am I pushing you away? I don't mean to, you know how I worry so much about you. You know how I over-worry, and panic way too much about the littlest thing. You know what happens to me when there's just a hint that something's going to go wrong. I cling to it and spend sleepless nights worrying, and some people don't like that. Brendon and Ryan don't even speak to me anymore because of that. They didn't like that I was way too attached to having them as friends, and I got way too paranoid over the littlest thing. I can't help it, Gee. I don't know how to stop it. I wish I could worry just a little bit less, so it doesn't scare people. You know how much I hate losing people. I don't have many people in my life as it is, I don't want to lose anymore.

So please tell me: is all of this, the drinking, the drugs, the distance that you're putting between us, is it all because of me? I need to know, it's killing me. The thought that I'm doing this to you hurts so much, and I don't ever want that. I know I've gotten too attached to you, but it's only because I love you. Sometimes I feel like I'm turning into a crazy psychopath boyfriend and I hate it. I hate myself. I don't know what I'd do if you told me that you're doing this because of me.

I don't mean to upset you. I don't mean to do stupid things. I don't mean to tread eggshells around you. I can't help it. I'm just scared. You're everything to me, I can't lose you now.

And if you're not doing this because of me, then why are you doing it? Please tell me. I don't understand.

Sometimes I have a panic attack in the middle of the night because I think you're dead. Sometimes I have one in the middle of the day because I think you don't love me. Sometimes I have one when you're home but you won't calm me down because you're too drunk to even speak. Sometimes I have one when I'm alone and I hate it so much because I can't calm myself down, not the way you do it. You're always so soothing about it, so careful. You were, anyway.

This has been going on for months now. Months. I don't know how much more of this I can take, if I'm honest. Day eleven of me trying to get through to you, and it's not working. Will it ever work?

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