//synesthesia// a phanficton

Phil's POV

    Today I got to go back to school. It has been several days of staying at Dan's house. I wonder if Mrs. Howell ever got tired of me. Going home seemed like a distant thought, like the sound of the subway when you're above ground. Distant, but still there.
    My mind kept slipping into darker places. Did I really love Dan like I thought? Did he really love me?
    I began to think this more and more each day. I know I love Dan, more than he'll ever know. Was it enough? Was there more out there for him? There was more than pathetic me.
    The bell rang dismissing the last hour of class and I scurried out quickly to meet Dan by his locker. "Hey, I'm going to go on a walk and get some fresh air."
    "Okay! Do you want me to come too?" Dan asked, clasping my hand in his.
    I gave it a tight squeeze and let go. "I think I need to go alone."
    Dan nodded understandingly and gave me a tight hug. "I love you," I told him, trying to convince myself.
    "I love you too Philly."
    I walked away my heart feeling anvil-like. I ran down the halls and out of the front doors. I ran and ran but it didn't change anything. I ran all of the way to the park, my lungs feeling like they were going to collapse. Then I sat by the water, tears slipping down my cheeks. This liquid anxiety slipping out of my tear ducts. I screamed loudly, hoping nobody was close enough to hear.
    I loved Dan. I had to. I loved him a few days ago. I love him now. Why is that not enough? Why can't I be normal and love him and be happy? Why do my anxieties ruin everything good? I collapse into my knee caps, hugging them tightly. I couldn't go back to his house. I was bad for him. I can't handle commitment. I can't handle simple emotions. The kids were right, I'm bonkers. I'm mad.
    I took my phone out of my pocket and texted Dan.
Please meet me at the park, we have to talk
    He replied almost immediately.
Okay sure be there in a few
    I was going to tell him how I felt. Tell him that I was bad for him. I will do it. He can't date me. We can't date. I will waste his time.
    I sat in my pathetic little ball for a few minutes. Finally, I heard his car pull into the parking lot. I didn't move.
Me and my stupid anxiety, my stupid depression, my stupid suicidal thoughts, my stupid everything.
    He sat down beside me. "Is everything okay?"
    I came out of my ball reluctantly. "No it's not Dan. I'm bad," I choked out.
    "No Phil! You are so kind and everything I needed. You are-"
    "Stop you're making this harder! Dan, I can't do this anymore. I'm only going to let you down."
    "Philly, I will help you through this."
    "You won't. It's done Dan. We're done."
    Every part of my body wanted to die. Every single bit. Dan looked like a kicked puppy tears streamed down his face. "I love you Phil," he sobbed, getting up and turning his back on me.
    I looked away as he walked back to his car and drove off. I packed some extra clothes and things in my backpack. I knew what I had to do. I had to do what was best, even if it ate me alive. I'd sleep here tonight, if I could survive my thoughts that long. I began to sob. I missed him already. The burning hole in my chest burned. He was gone. It was my fault. My only love was gone forever.

Author's Note: hey I'm back again. i missed writing so i decided to write on this story again. love everyone who even looks at my stories! 💛