THE MURDERER AND I

chapter twenty-four: goodbye ace

I breathed in the cold air. My nerves were a wreck. Just thinking about what would happen next made me nervous. I seriously needed a smoke.

"You look like you could use a smoke."

Ace's voice said from behind me, making me jump. He sat down next to me on the curb and handed me a cigarette. It had become a habit, kind of our thing. Him and I, just sitting and smoking. I placed it gently in my mouth, just as he placed his in his mouth. I patted my jeans for my lighter and finally found it. I lit my cigarette, trying in vain to get my hand to be still.

"What's got you so worried?" Ace asked softly.

"You ever get that feeling, when you really miss someone, but you don't know if you miss the person, or the feelings that came along with them." I sighed.

"And the things you did with them, how alive they made you feel, and you know you shouldn't fucking miss it, but you just fucking do." I laughed sadly, looking down at my feet. I had to get that out, and right now, Ace was the only one here.

"Yeah, I feel you. Those types of feelings no one should miss, but they're the ones who stick with us the most, even if they're the worst for us."

I nodded slowly, taking a puff of my cigarette. I let the smoke out, thinking about how alike we were. So alike i'm thought, but I didn't think he stayed up at night, staring at the ceiling, wishing he could go back. Even more, wishing to feel that feeling again. That feeling that didn't seem to let go. I couldn't seem to let go.

"And I'm still lost." I laughed. "Dear god, I have got a single goddamn clue of where I'm going."

"Hey, you're bound to find someplace to stay. You found us right?" He assured me. His smile was careless, yet genuine. I didn't know why, but I felt like I was the only one who could see through his exterior. He wasn't a no good hood, he was just a boy. A boy like the rest of the boys in the world. Still young, without a care in the world. But the world had fucked him up, like it fucked yo so many other boys, making them put up their walls, and their though hard looks.

"I wish it was that easy." I sighed.

"You never told me what you did." He stated.

"I thought you all knew." I turned to look at him confused. I was sure Ryder had told them. And they should know, I mean, I was on the news and shit.

"Nah, we just thought you were some chick Ryder picked up. Maybe robbed a few stores? Ryder doesn't bring too many girls around." Ace explained.

I laughed as he threw Ryder under the bus.
"Why? Do the boys scare them all off?"

"Sometimes. But Ryder's too nice. He's a softie living in a die hard world." Ace told me, cracking a smile.

It was true. Ryder was a beating heart in a world full of blackened, barely beating hearts. The world was cruel, and it made people cruel. It made me cruel. It made me kill. But somehow, it hadn't changed a single part of Ryder. He was the kindest fugitive I had ever met, and I had no idea how he wasn't dead yet. If I had learned anything, it was that having a heart could kill you. Having feelings could kill you.

"So you're leaving huh?" Ace said after a few moments of silence. "Finally got tired of being cooped up in this old town?"

"I get tired of being cooped up anywhere." I scoffed.

"You must be off pretty bad, always running and stuff." He raised his brows at me. "But all of us have done something."

He looked down, breathing out slowly. I had never really thought about it before. All these boys had a story. All of them had a life before this. I had just been thinking about how bad my life was, but they had their fair share of it.

"What's your story Ace?" I whispered, nodding at him.

"What's yours?" He cocked his right brow and took a drag of his cigarette.

"I was bored, looking for something else, and I found it. But finding it wasn't what I expected. I didn't think I would go from a high school drop out to a murderer." I laughed softly.

"We've all got our share of mistakes and regrets." Ace shrugged, his eyes still on me.

"A mistake, but I don't regret it." I stayed firmly. "I know, I'm a murder. I used to like to think that I wasn't. It wasn't 'me the murderer' it was more like 'the murderer and i' but I know I killed just as many people as he did."

"I don't know who he is, but I can tell he's something else huh?" Ace laughed softly, trying to lighten the mood.

"He sure was." I spoke softly, scorning myself for missing you, Dean Castor. I absolutely hated the fact that I missed you.