THE MURDERER AND I

chapter twenty-six: better on my own

We were still on the road, heading deeper into California. Ryder kept his eyes on the road, but I was lost in thought. See the truth was, I didn't see Ryder as I saw him the first time we met. I just didn't feel that way anymore. I didn't really. Thinking about it, I never really felt anything at all. I still loved him. I think I always will, but I just didn't feel that way I felt before. Maybe at first I felt something. I was attached to him. I liked how me made me feel. He made me feel ok when I hadn't been ok in a while. I was a million broke pieces, and here he came along, gluing then all together. He glued them badly, but it was a cover up for now. It worked. But now, I realized the pieces didn't fit. And I didn't see Ryder the same way. I guess, now, he was just something solid to lean on. Something supportive.

It was late, almost 3 am, so we decided to stop at a motel and hide out there. We didn't even bother checking in. We found room that seemed empty and Ryder picked the lock. I grabbed our bags from the car and threw them into the closet. I was so tired I didn't even care to change. I just plopped down on the bed and felt my self starting to fall asleep. I felt the bed sink beside me and I opened my eyes to find Ryder smiling softly at me. He pulled the covers over our bodies and kissed me gently.

I closed my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that I still felt nothing. I felt absolutely nothing.

—

I woke up the next morning hungry. Ryder was already awake, which surprised me. Usually I was up and ready first.

"Morning." He said quietly.

"Morning" I replied.

"Hey there's breakfast inside the hotel." He told me. "I'll go and bring you some. I think it'll be safer if I just go alone."

"Ok." I reply. He was right. I was more wanted than him, so he would probably have to do most things when I couldn't.

I waited in our room, waiting for Ryder to return. I sat up, and thought about something I couldn't avoid anymore. I didn't feel anything for Ryder, except now maybe, dislike.

I got out of bed, changed, and got ready for the day. As I was going through my bag, I felt my gun. I pulled it out, and I have to admit, it felt good to hold it again. The cool metal felt as if it belonged in my hand. I know I'm crazy, but I missed it. I turned it over and ran my fingers over something I didn't want to remember. DC. Dean Castor carved into the clean black handle. It used to say DC+BL, but it had faded, and I'm glad it did. As I caressed my gun, I got the craziest idea. I could kill him with this. No, I couldn't. That was too crazy. Too crazy, even for me.

I quickly hid my gun, stuffing it into the bag again. I shoved my bag into the closet as I heard footsteps approaching. The door opened slowly, and Ryder's smiling faces popped in, his cheeks and nose slightly red from the cold. I laughed softly at him as he shuffled inside.

He sat down on the bed and handed me my plate.

"You better thank me. It took a lot of hard work to steal two plates without being noticed ya know." He said proudly as he cut up his pancakes.

"Thank you very, very much." I said jokingly.

He laughed and we continued to eat our breakfast in silence. I thought about how I felt nothing for Ryder. I guess that wasn't necessarily true. I loved him, and I always would, but there just wasn't that same feeling anymore. At least not from me.

—

The rest of the day was spent doing nothing. I actually enjoyed it. It was a break from all the worrying and the stress of being on the run. I felt normal for once. Ryder and I spent the whole day in bed, watching tv, and doing whatever else we could to keep us from going insane. We were basically trapped in this little room, unless we wanted to be on the run again.

Ryder switched the channel and landed on the news. I zone out until I hear Ryder saying my name.

"Bella, look." He tells me, nodding to the tv.

"Officials are now on the look out for Bella Lauder. She has recently been seen alive, when she was resumed to be dead after apparent suicide. If you see her, please don't hesitate to call the police."

The newsreaders voice echoed in my head. God I knew I should have been more careful.

"Hey, it doesn't matter ok? They won't find us. They can't." Ryder assured me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I nodded absentmindedly.

We went to sleep shortly after, and I agreed with Ryder. No one had any idea where we were. I managed to convince myself as I lay in bed, staring blankly into the dark.

Warm in Ryder's embrace, I couldn't help but think how much better I would be on my own. Having a partner was dangerous. It makes running more dangerous. And I can't afford any more danger.