THE MURDERER AND I

chapter twenty-eight: endless loop

So that's how it went. That's how I always knew it would be. Early mornings, and driving. Breaking into cheap motel rooms and leaving them as quickly as we could. It was tiring, but that's how it would always be. I hated being caught in this endless loop. I wanted things to be how they used to be. But they never would. And every now and then, I felt that need. That need to kill, I guess. Stupid right? But I felt it. It was there. I guess it would always be there.

-

"I think I've lost count of how many places we've stayed at." Ryder joked as he picked the lock on what probably was our 100th motel. I threw our bags on the floor, not even bothering to hide them. We simultaneously threw ourselves on the bed, as if it were a tradition, which it now probably was.

"Motel after motel." I sighed as I slipped under the covers.

"We oughta get fake names huh?" He said playful as he slipped in next to me. I turned to look at him. He looked so different, much more tired.

"Never in a million years." I laughed. I would always be Bella Lauder.

"You think we're gonna get caught?" He asked seriously. It got quiet for a second.

"I'd rather die than get caught." I stated playfully, even though I was completely serious.

"Oh that's just your ego speaking." Ryder brushed it off as he wrapped his arms around me.

"Is not!" I said dramatically. "It's just that I've gotten away with too many things in life to get caught now."

He grew quiet, and I guess he was just thinking about what I meant.

"The life you had before you mean?" He asked softly.

I nodded slowly as I remembered the only thing that made my old life special. Dean.

"What was it like before?" He asked again.

I sighed. I hated thinking about my life before. It was a mess. A huge, but beautiful mess. A mess that I admit, I miss. And that's exactly how to explain it.

"A mess." I chuckled. "Even bigger than this one."

"Is that even possible?" He laughed.

I listened to his laugh ring throughout the darkness as I thought about what he said. This life was nothing compared to the one I had before.

"It is. But I think was made it a mess in the first place was one single person. They changed my life completely, and left me as quickly as they found me."

Then he asked what I feared he would ask. I dreaded it from the moment I heard it.

"Who's Dean Castor?"

"What?" I asked in confusion, turning to face him.

"Your story in the paper, it mentioned someone named Dean Castor." He explained. I lay there thinking quietly for a moment.

"My literal partner in crime. But he's no one now."
I sighed quietly. But it wasn't true. He wasn't a no one. He was all I could think of lately.

"Literal? Like he's the one you killed people with?"

"Yeah." I laughed softly at how surprised Ryder sounded.

The room grew quiet as we fell asleep, but yet again, I couldn't seem to think about how I always seems to lie now. Lying, I scoffed to myself. I had killed people, and now I cared about lying? I guess I was going soft. But I wasn't one to go soft.