THE MURDERER AND I

epilougue

Life ends in tragedy. It always does. I can't say I'm sorry for what I did. For all those people I killed. For all those I hurt. I'm not sorry. It's who I was.

My life didn't teach me much. It taught me death was inevitable of course, but you never know when it would come. Maybe you'd die naturally, maybe in a fire, or maybe a 17 year old girl would kill you. But I think my life taught me something more important than that. Something I hadn't realized until now. People do bad things in order to survive. I know I did. I know Dean did. I know Ryder did. And I know every single one of those boys I had met did. Everyone does bad things in order to survive.

In a way, everyone's life is the same. We all have those moments where we do things we'd never think we'd do. Moments where you surprise yourself. Moments where you think you might be crazy. Moments where you realize you are.

But my life, my life was something else. It was a mess, a dangerous and deadly mess. But I wouldn't change it. I would never change it.

If my life wasn't a mess, I would have never met Dean. I would have never met Ryder, and I would have never met those boys I came to love. Fox, Gunner, Ace. I would never change it.

Ryder. The only person I would truly apologize to. I'm sorry. No matter how good he had been to me, it was never enough. I always longed for something else. Someone else. So all I can say is I'm sorry. And I hope he's ok. But I never did find out what he had done. I never knew his story. In fact, I never really knew him at all.

Ace. I'd never met someone like him. Someone who truly understood me. We didn't even know each other, but I felt like I had known him forever.

And Dean. God where do I even start. There's nothing I can say about him. Nothing. All I can say is that he made me who I am. He made me a monster, and it takes a monster to destroy a monster. But I couldn't care less if he made me the fucking devil. I would always, always, always love him. I know, cliche. But it was true. I remember thinking I'd do anything to see him, and now I finally will.

This fucked up life taught me a lot. A lot of wrong things. A lot of things I'd rather not know. But in the end, I guess all I really learned was how to be strong.

Alone.