The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

Am I too small to talk to God?

Am I too small to talk to God?

I collapsed back into my chair in the hospital waiting room, unable to control my sobs. My world was crumbling around me, and I didn't know what to do. What was I supposed to do with my life without Brendon in it? Did my life have any meaning at all? Spencer urged me to leave, but I refused to get up. How could I move on so quickly? I had to stay in the hospital for a few more minutes, if only because some stubborn superstition compelled me to. It was the least that I could do for Brendon.

As I sat in that chair, still crying over the news, I mentally composed a letter. It went something like this.

Dear God/Gods/Whoever This May Concern,

Yes, it's me, Ryan Ross. I know we haven't talked in quite some time, but if you're (You're?) ever going to listen to me, now would be a great time to do so. I'm in a little bit of a predicament, and I think that you might be able to help me out. It's only a small request, so I'm sure that you can do it.

I am in love with this beautiful, magnificent man by the name of Brendon Urie. I refuse to say that in the past tense - he may be gone, but that doesn't mean that I don't love him anymore. I'm at the Old Haven Hospital right now, and according to the workers there, he's dead. Could you please bring him back? You're the only one who can help him now, and I'm surely not the only one who wants him alive and well.

Is this because I've doubted you? I know that I've stopped going to church, and I've often questioned your very existence, but that doesn't seem like a very good reason to take the love of my life away from me. You've never showed up when I needed you before, so why should I blindly believe that you exist? Where were you when the other kids would pick on me in elementary school, or when my dad died, or when Brendon picked up his first drink? Nevertheless, I'm choosing to believe in you now. Love can make people do crazy things, and this is one of them.

Is this because I'm gay? Are you as homophobic as everyone says that you are? As a child, I always learned that God loves everyone, but maybe that's not true. Maybe this is your way of telling me that you disapprove of my relationship with Brendon, but if that's the case, then why did you make me fall in love with him in the first place? I don't think I'll ever understand the homophobes' logic, but to me, it's not logic at all. It's pure bigotry. If you consider me a sinner, then you're probably right, but I'm in love with my own sins, and it's no reason to kill Brendon. He was only expressing his love, and love is the purest virtue of them all.

Speaking of that, why did you kill Brendon in the first place? What kind of sick bastard would do such a thing? He was only twenty one - he hardly had a chance to experience everything that life had to offer. Brendon was far too young to die, but I'm sure that you could still reverse it if you wanted to. Prove it to me, God/Gods/Whoever The Hell Is Up There. Prove that you're up there and that you love everyone and that you don't just exist to make my life miserable.

Clearly, you're either not listening to me or you're not there at all. Nothing's happened since I started writing this, and Spencer's still urging me to leave. He says that he understands that I'm grieving, but waiting here will only make it worse. I don't believe him. You can still perform this one little miracle for me, right? I still believe that finding love is the only way to be happy, and if you bring Brendon back, that will prove it.

Listen, if you do this for me, I'll be your most devoted follower. I'll do whatever you tell me to do, as long as I can do it with Brendon by my side. I can't do much of anything without him, so I desperately need you to bring him back. Besides, it will solve the whole debate about whether God exists or not that we had in my Introduction to Philosophy class. What better proof of God's existence is there than knowing that He/She/They/It performed a miracle just for me? I could get the whole Kale University Philosophy Department to believe in you.