The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?

What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?

Another day went by, and I lost all sense of remaining hope. I was completely convinced that my life was meaningless, and despite all of my friends' attempts to comfort me, nothing worked. After all, if the Beatles couldn't make me feel better, then what hope did I have?

When I woke up that morning, I checked my email and saw that I had received a message from Dallon Weekes. Although I had no idea why Dallon would email me, I opened up the message. After skimming the email, I realized that it was about Brendon's funeral.

I put another X on the calendar to mark the date, but I tried not to dwell on the subject. What was the point? Thinking about Brendon's funeral would just worsen my mood even more. I tried to distract myself by looking at my other emails, but my mind kept drifting back to Dallon's email. As I thought about the funeral, I became more and more indignant about it.

What right did Dallon have to plan Brendon's funeral? He hardly knew Brendon at the end of his life. As far I knew, Dallon had only visited Brendon once during the entire year. I suspected that Brendon's parents had only enlisted Dallon because he was a good Mormon boy who went to Yale, but I couldn't say for sure why Dallon was in charge of all of this.

I couldn't help but wonder if Dallon felt the same way as I did when he heard the news of Brendon's death. Was he experiencing the same breakdown that I was? Did he dream of seeing Brendon again every night like I did? Would he do anything to have just another day with Brendon, or was he able to shrug and forget about his ex-boyfriend? Perhaps he didn't care about Brendon, or at least not as much as I did. Dallon did have a new girlfriend, after all. Maybe I was the only one who cared this much about Brendon.

I put my phone away and got ready for breakfast, but I didn't have much of an appetite. After eating only a few pieces of fruit, I dragged myself to my classes, but I couldn't focus. How could I think about my ecology lab when Brendon's funeral was coming up?

While Andy collected data for the lab, Patrick asked, "Ryan, are you okay?"

"I'm not okay," I told him, and it was the truth.

"That's what I thought," Patrick said. "Have you found a new therapist yet?"

"Not yet," I said.

"You might want to do that," Patrick said. "By the way, Andy, Joe, Pete, and I were planning to watch the Kale baseball team play Yale today. Do you want to come?"

I considered Patrick's offer for a moment. What was the point in going to a baseball game? Even our rivalry with Yale, which had once been so important, seemed empty and meaningless now. The only thing I hadn't done yet was die, so why would I want to go to a baseball game? Nevertheless, I didn't want to be rude to Patrick, so I said, "Sure, I'll go. It sounds kind of fun."

"That's great, Ryan," Andy said as he finished filling out our lab group's data table. "I can't wait to see you there."

Later that day, I walked across campus to the baseball field, but without anyone I loved to share the experience with, I wasn't left with any reason to care about the game. The other people in line for tickets couldn't stop chattering about how exciting of a game this would be, but my heart wasn't in it at all. Why did other people care about such trivial things? Then again, wasn't everything trivial in the end? With no greater purpose in life, did anything matter?

I found a seat in the student section next to my friends, where Pete was cracking jokes and flirting with Patrick and Andy was telling Joe about something that had happened in his Vegans United meeting. I tried to watch the game, but I quickly became disinterested. I couldn't help but feel like my whole life was like that game - a tedious exercise that ultimately signified nothing.