The Piano Knows Something I Don't Know

Who am I?

Who am I?

I spent most of the next week studying for finals, but I did get the opportunity to go to the last Guyliner Club meeting of the year and I met with Tazanna one more time. It still hurt every time someone brought up Brendon, but it wasn't nearly as painful as it was immediately after it was. It had once been a stabbing wound, but now, thinking of Brendon produced only a dull ache. My heart would never fully heal, but I could live with that.

During the second week of May, I took the final exams for each of my classes. Ancient Philosophy and Morals, Values, and Ethics were both relatively easy, but despite all of my studying, the final exam for Principles of Ecology was nearly impossible. It didn't help that I couldn't focus during the test. The room was completely silent, but I could still hear Brendon's voice in the distance, singing to me. I knew that it was all in my head - what other explanation was there? However, that didn't stop it from being incredibly distracting.

When I talked to Patrick and Andy about the exam at lunch, they both told me that it was an easy test. I wondered if they had gotten a different version of the test than the one that I had. Then again, some things are subjective. Perhaps they simply found the exam to be easier than I thought that it was. I tried not to think too hard about it as I munched on a slice of pizza.

"What's your next exam?" Andy asked us.

"I have statistics next," Patrick said. "I'm a little nervous, but I'm going out with Pete after the test, so I do have something to look forward to."

Patrick smiled, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of jealousy. Before his death, Brendon and I had shared a connection, one that was just as deep or even deeper than the one that Pete and Patrick had. However, Brendon was gone, and I couldn't see myself loving anyone else romantically again. How could I love someone who wasn't my soulmate? What would be the point? Why would I want to date someone else when I would always be comparing him to Brendon?

Although I had already decided that I had no desire to have another romantic relationship, I still longed for Brendon while I watched my friends fall in love. There was a part of me that missed the idea of being in a relationship. I realized that I would never go on another date or feel Brendon's lips on mine, but it was painful to think about too much. I would have to accept it eventually, but for now, denial worked just fine.

As Patrick blabbered on about Pete, I simply tuned him out and continued to eat. After lunch, I headed over to the Beiju History Center for my Public Policy exam. I still wasn't great at the subject, but why did it matter if I was majoring in philosophy? Nevertheless, I tried my best not to ask Professor Higgins too many philosophical questions, although I did have to ask her to define "power" in the context of the essay question that she gave me. She just gave me an exasperated look and walked away, so I wrote my essay about the many definitions of power in the context of American society.

As I attempted to figure out whether I was answering the prompt or not, an idea came to me. I wasn't certain that it was a good idea, but when I wrote the final paragraph of my essay, I heard Brendon whispering to me. I couldn't quite hear what he was saying, but it sounded encouraging, so I decided to call Spencer and ask him about it after the exam was over.

I wrote the last sentence of my essay just as Professor Higgins told the class that our time was up. I shoved my pencil back into my backpack and left the building, and when I returned to Flack Hall, I picked up my phone and called Spencer. "Hello?" Spencer said.

"Hi Spencer," I said. "It's Ryan. I just wanted to ask you about something."

"What do you want to ask me?" Spencer asked.