Raihana | Sequel to Negina

The Beginning Of The End

Chapter 1

-Raihana Malik-

I remember asking my *plaar a lot of questions when I was younger. Once I remember my little eight year old self asking, "Plaara, if I hold my breath for long enough will I die?" He chuckled in return and replied sweetly. "No *jaan, your mind will come to its senses and persuade you to breath." I giggled senselessly at the time, but only now do I realize what he meant.

(*Plaar(a)- Pashto for "dad")
(*Jaan- my world/ used as a sweet way of talking to a loved one)

Here I am, sitting on the top step of the carpeted stairs, eavesdropping on my parents conversation while attempting to be as quiet as possible.

*Haram. My inner-self reminds me.

(*Haram- against Islam)

But I couldn't help it. I can not stop the tears from falling down onto my lap. I hold my breath, hoping that maybe my dad was wrong back then. Maybe I will die from oxygen loss, if not from shame and embarrassment.

I hear my father's voice yelling at my mom. I want to go downstairs and apologize. I want to fall at his feet and plead him to not hurt my mom. I want to persuade my dad to not be upset at my mom, to tell him that she has done nothing wrong and that it's all my fault. I don't have the nerve to do that.

"Khalid, she is only seventeen!" My mother, Negina, throws out her attempt at changing my dad's decision. I chew on my lower lip, a bad habit I am used to doing when I'm nervous.

Ya Allah, please forgive my sins. Please help me; please give me courage and strength to look into my parents eyes after this this event.

"I don't care if she's seventeen or seventy-one, she went against my word and still met with that Aaron!" He yells back, frustrated. I look up to the ceiling, attempting to hold my breath. Knowing that if I exhale then my cries will be heard downstairs. "She will get married after graduation."

I feel my heart stop and drop ten feet underground at my father's words. No, I can't get married. Not now, when my life is just beginning. I want a journey. I want to live. I don't want to get married. I don't want to have kids at this young age. And if I get married, that's exactly what will happen. It's mandatory in the Afghan culture.

"What if Raihana doesn't want to marry one of them, you know how she is. She has scared off every proposal that came in her direction. How different will this one be?" My mother, is an angel. She is actually defending me after what I did.

I will always be shocked with how much I care for my mom, even though she is not my biological mom. I met her only a few years ago, yet she treats me like I'm her whole world.

"I am her father. You are my wife. She will do as I say, you both will. That is my final word."

I hear the front door slam shut, which I shut my eyes and flinch to. He left the house. I am not sure where exactly he went off too, but I do know that he'll be back soon.

There are footsteps coming closer and closer to me. I hurry to my room and shut the door tightly, locking it as well. Sitting on the window seat I stare out into the world. Green trees; that was all that is visible from the second floor. I wish my soul and life was this beautiful.

In this situation I should be crying, right? No, I should be bawling my eyes out, or slitting my wrists. But I can't. It feels like I don't have any tears in my system. Like I can't physically feel anything. I feel numb. I'm just tired.