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I tried

People always talk about wanting to disappear from time to time . I used to think about that too . We missed something big . We wanted to see what happens after we disappear ... well , when you disappear , you disappear . The world goes on without you and you never get to see it again . I guess that's not my case . I disappeared , unfortunately never completely . I'm somewhere , lost , unable to do anything . I want to die . So I can finally disappear . No matter how hard I try , when I open my eyes I am still at the same place . Alive . I can't hurt myself . I tried that too . I heard people dying from sadness , but somehow I don't feel that sad . I tried begging people to wreck the wall . Nothing worked .

I , once , had hope . There was this man , depressed , lonely , I talked to him a few times ... He told me that he knows that I don't exist and this is all in his head and that he had gone mad . I tried to explain that it wasn't the truth , but he left and he never came back . I couldn't move much . I worked on digging for days , but like a spell , in the morning everything went to the exact same place as before . I don't feel like a human . I don' t eat nor shower , just sleep , and when i wake up I feel like i have done everything that I needed to . I could see my hands , legs , elbows sometimes , I am not ageing . My hair didn't grow , my nails didn't too . I am never hungry . I don't have to do anything . It's something I can't get use to . When I can't sleep at night , I sing . I don't sing songs , I don't remember the lyrics , just humming or making something new . Now , I should be repeating what I know about myself ... Unfortunately , after 2 years of repeating , I started forgetting . I used to know all the names , I could describe everyone perfectly ... Now , I can't and I feel more lonely than ever .
I thought about a lot of things .

Three years ago , I started talking with the wall that I hate . I even named him . His name is Eliot . Stupid Eliot , always making fun of me . "Hey Eli , did you know that some plants grow on their own ?" he nodded . I shrugged " I didn't , but that kid has been repeating it all day ". I looked at the kid again . I couldn't see his face , he was well distracted by his biology book . I could see his brown strings of hair . His hair looked soft , well cared . He looked peaceful , just like his hair . Repeating . The boy repeat his biology lessons so he won't forget it ... What a fool . He won't remember it like that. " Hey boy , do you want help ? I don't know much but I can try to explain so you can remember it easily " I yelled so he could hear me . The boy screamed " Now I am starting to hear voices. Well done Jungkook , biology makes you mad . " His name is Jungkook , what a nice name . "Come to the wall . You aren't mad . I am in the wall . My name is Jimin . Nice to meet you ". Jungkook stared at the wall " My mum said I shouldn't skip breakfast , this is what happens if you skip breakfast ? I am sorry mum " he started yelling " I am sorry , I am going to eat something now , I swear ! Please don't make me mad." Jungkook nearly started crying . He was 13 , 14 I guessed . He ran away . I watched him fall a couple of times . I laughed so hard I think he heard me . When he was out of my sight . I stopped laughing . I was alone again .
I repeated his name ever since. I still remember it . Jungkook. What a nice name ...