brittled mind

5

Meredith is my day nurse and Alexa is my night nurse, so I better get used to never being alone. Even now when I hear a knock on my room, I'm not allowed to open it, Meredith has to. It's Carissa and Jason. "Meredith, are we allowed to be in here no nurses?" Carissa asks. "Why can't you have a nurse?" she asks. "We want to have an orgy," Carissa jokes. Meredith rolls her eyes. "I'll get in trouble if I leave his side, but kids need to be kids. Have your gossip session or whatever, but door open with me doing charts outside, got it?" Meredith gives in and smiles.

"We know how hard it is to get used to things here. It's a bit lonely," Jason said. "Oh uh thanks," I smile. "And we're not gonna lie, you didn't eat your lunch," Carissa comments. "I mean this in the least rude way possible, but why do you care?" I challenge. "Because that was me. And it wasn't pretty," she leans in and lowers her voice. "She's been here for 5 weeks. I've been here for 7. When I first met her she ripped out her tube and threw it at me. She wasn't even able to have a roommate for a while," Jason explains. "Well I'm very sorry to hear that, but that has nothing to with me," I retorted. "We just want to be your friends. You know what we don't have to talk about this let's just play cards," Carissa already has a deck of Uno. "Sweet!" Jason exclaims as Carissa deals out the cards. "I got 2 wild cards," he says. "Well don't tell us that!" she snaps at him. We continue putting cards in the pile until I feel my internal tension become unbearable. "I'm sorry for my attitude. I just. I'm scared," I swallow my pride. "Hey man it's good. What are you afraid of?" He asks. "I guess just everything. I know I'm afraid to gain weight but I think I'm more afraid of finding out WHY I'm afraid of that. Sorry it makes no sense," I say. "It makes perfect sense," Carissa says. "Len, you have visitors," Meredith tells me. "We'll get out," Jason says. "Nah, you guys can stay," I smile. My mom and dad walk in with Isa and Halima. "It looks like a big gathering, we'll come back in a bit," Carissa reassures me. I gulp. I haven't even thought of my sisters. They must think I'm crazy. I guess I am though, I'm in a psych ward. I stay cross legged on my bed, but tense up. I can see the color drained from my dad's face as he walks towards. "Hey, Len. How's it been?" He says softly. For the first time in forever he no longer feels like the enemy. He never was- I have always been the enemy and he just stood in my way. "It's uh, it's okay," I nod. "Len!!" Halima attacks me with a hug. "Hi, 'Lima Beana, I missed you," I hug her back. "Mommy, Daddy, can I have a sleepover with Len tonight?" She asks. My heart melts. If only I could let her stay, but I wouldn't want her to see me the way I am here. "I don't think so, sweetie, but when he comes home you'll see him much more," my mom replies. "Can I talk to Len on my own?" Isadora asks them. "Sure. Halima how about you, me, and mommy go for a walk?" My dad guides her out. Isa sits down on my bed. "I uh wanted to apologize for being a bit harsh before," she says. I've always admired how grown up my sister is. Barely a teenager and already keeping her head held high. "Hey it's okay. I'm the real shithead here," I laugh. "No, but seriously. I always told dad if you just ate you'd be fine. We learned about eating disorders in school but even then I told myself it wasn't you. Hell, mom told me you were fine. But, once dad said you were in here I just. I lost it," she says. "Isa, please don't blame yourself," I hug her. "I always knew if it was my friend, or Halima I would tell someone, but how do you tell someone your older brother is starving himself?" A tear rolls off her cheek. "What do they do here? Like how do you help someone who won't eat?" She asks. "They just have me eat a lot," I laugh. "But apparently I'll start therapy and stuff." I shrug. "So you actually eat here?" She asks. "I mean I had some lunch. But uh, basically what I eat at home so they weren't too happy," I answer. "I know I'm not supposed to ask about the triggering- whatever that means- stuff, but your doctor said I can always be here for you. So yeah," she sighs. "Isa. You're thirteen. You don't need to be here for me. You just need to go to school, have fun, and live life," I hug her. "Don't grow up too fast. If you keep being so mature people will start giving you the senior discount at restaurants," she laughs at that. My parents and Halima walk in. "They don't even have a vending machine here?!" Halima was horrified and we all laughed. "How's it been going?" My dad asks. "Uh pretty good," I semi-lie. He raises an eyebrow. "Okay, well, truth be told, it's miserable," I shrug. "What sucks the most?" he laughs. "I love a lot of the other patients, don't get me wrong, but I absolutely hate the environment, I hate the approach, I hate myself," I notice myself tugging at my sleeves, losing my breath. I feel dazed, confused, and loopy. I lose myself in the conversation and am all in my head. This place will strip away all the comforts I use to not feel. They want me to get fat to get better but get better from what I'm not even sick and I just want to be thin what's wrong with that it's not emotional or mental or anyth- "Len?" my dad touches my shoulder and I jolt a little. "Sorry," I sit down on my bed, crossing my ankle onto my knee and unintentionally shaking it. Whether it's out of anxiety or desire to burn calories I don't know. I feel a tear roll down my cheek when Meredith tells them that visiting hours are over. Halima hugs me and skips out, holding my mom's hand- she just waves goodbye. My dad hugs me silently, but firmly. Isa smiles and nods as she walks out. So much for a normal farewell. I stand back up and walk over to the gated window. I can see people outside walking around a small courtyard in front of the medical hospital. I imagine soft music playing and everyone basking in the sunlight while I'm in here with a monitor on my chest and noise in my head. Meredith hears Carissa and Jason knock and opens the door for them. "I'll go back to my 'papers'" she airquotes to give us as much privacy as she'd be allowed. "What do you guys do to eat here?" I ask, tentatively. "Firstly, don't let Jason teach you how to hide vomit here," Carissa gives side eye as he laughs. "Not only will they find it, but it keeps you stuck," she says seriously. "Start small. They hated me for telling other patients this but you can't just eat it all at once when everything's so scary. Take it in notches," she says. I nod, knowing that even that seems impossible. "How come you don't gain weight eating all this?" I ask, and she practically explodes laughing. I'm taken aback until she calms down. "Oh you were serious?" she's startled. "I'm up a good 6 or 7 kilos- apparently pounds is too triggering" she rolls her eyes. I quickly do the math in my head and am shocked that she wasn't dead coming in here. "My bmi is like way higher now thanks to being short," she seems upset. "Hey you're like average, what 5'4?" Jason teases. "5'3" she looks him dead in the eye as he fakes an apology. "You have nothing to worry about, Len. I'm guessing they have you set for 'minimally adequate' since you'd be here forever on full restoration," I'm completely puzzled. Jason sees my brow furrow and interjects. "They haven't explained weight restoration to you, huh?" I shake my head. "It all depends on what you come in at and where you need to be. Pardon my use of numbers," she rolls her eyes and lowers her voice. "I cam in here with a bmi just below 14. Not where I wanted to be, but supposedly still low. Gaining weight is scary easy for me, so they plan to have my almost at my "ideal weight" before I'm discharged. You on the other hand are a walking skeleton and probably will be discharged pretty low," she says and I'm completely overwhelmed. Someone else analyzes and thinks about weight and numbers in meticulous aspects? It's not just me?! That's relieving, but realizing how thin she thinks I must be makes me think she's delusional. "That's great and all but I am pretty large," I try to laugh. "I weigh more than you," she glances at the floor. "How is that possible? You're a tiny little flea and how would you even know what I weigh" I challenge. "I'm 93 fucking pounds and yeah I saw your chart. I am huger than I thought I could ever get in here and I have to keep going and it sucks then you come in and I can't even hate you for it. You're so fucking nice and I'm jealous," she screams, quieting to bite her lip. "You guys can fight about which skeleton is fatter all you want but you seem to forget that I'm not even thin enough to be on significant gains. Okay?! I'm only in here because I'm fucked in the head I don't even get to look like you two. Wanna know fat? Try One-twenty-s-" Jason's spiel is interrupted by Meredith who is pointing a pen at us. "I don't want to hear numbers or any of this self bullying and especially no comparisons. Got it?" she asks- or rather commands. We all nod, realizing how off topic we got from trying to be helpful. "I-I'm sorry, you guys," Carissa says. "But, I don't want to run away from this conversation. Len, you're going to get through this. We'll be here every step of the way. And dinner will be soon and I know it feels impending, but it'll end," she hugs me. I still feel self conscious about her size. She hugs me and I feel her chin on my arm. She takes up significantly less space. Even sitting down her legs seem to be opposed to touching. "You're not fucking poetic," Jason laughs and Carissa jokingly punches him. "What do you say we get Len out of his room and into the milieu for some TV," Jason grabs our hands. We stumble out the door when Meredith points to the wheelchair in my room. I reluctantly sit in it as Jason wheels me a whopping whole corner to the milieu. Perhaps I can forget about dinner until it comes? What why would I be able to do that you know you're such a fatass Len and all fatasses are selfish and greedy you've never done anything good and you never will you stupid stupid stupid selfish stupid gross selfish stupid gross- I feel my thoughts keep going and tangling me up while the TV just flashes past my eyes. I blink and keep listening to my head until I can barely hear anything except the meal carts passing by and my heart keeps pounding.