brittled mind

18

Breakfasts are still some of the hardest meals. It's hard to go from a (now vague) emptiness and fill up. It feels defeating and disgusting. The dining room socializing keeps me occupied, but the fullness, the fucking fullness, reminds me constantly that I am not numbing. I only ever occasionally puked, but now the urge is there every meal. I don't act, but oh boy do I wish I could. Gotta keep going though, one track mind. One thought, one goal, one target: keep going.

My leg bounces almost involuntarily as I shovel each item into my mouth. I swallow and keep going. Disgusting. Failure. Selfish. So so selfish. I do it anyways. I see the seconds pass on the clock and chew in sync. I had to give up my waiting a minute between chewing and swallowing so now I just feel like I'm constantly devouring each morsel. I eye up the dining room. Next to me is Drew on the right and Paisley on the left. Drew is crushing it, Paisley is doing amazing considering they're finally trying. Val and I have our tubes dangling off our faces, sitting across from each other. Hanna is at the very end, head down with her arms bandaged like Paisley's once were. I see the other faces and all of us glaring at each other hoping we're not the one doing "too good" or recovering "best". It's always a competition of who can eat the slowest and hang on to what keeps us sick yet also topped with the crushing pressure of treatment to speed up. All of us are cleared except for Hanna and 2 newbies. With Hanna I felt my heart sink as I knew what was coming when an extra mental health technician walked in. They had her follow. As we all left the dining room for the common room, I saw them lead her to an exam room and I could feel the panic in her. Praying I couldn't hear, I tried to distract myself but I couldn't.

She was worse than me. She was conscious, able to feel and fight, and actually in need.

The most heart-wrenching "No, please, stop you're hurting me," erupted from the walls. A hideous, inhuman, disturbing cry of anguish that sounded like a drowning baby was more than audible. I sink into my wheelchair and tug my tube closer to me, hoping to just ignore it. I picked up my nearly complete book of word searches and crossword puzzles and tried to self soothe. I couldn't do anything but pass the time. It's easier with no hope of getting out, sadly. I am no longer impatient and desperate for the moment I walk out. I don't even think of leaving cause it feels like it won't ever happen. My fate seems to have settled here. My leg bounces faster and faster. I chew my cheeks to shreds. I'm tapping my highlighter ferociously. I want to go to bed, wait no I want to leave, wait no I want to cry, wait no- "Len?"

I turn and see a nurse beckoning me towards the med window. "Dr. Boltzer is putting you on a mild anti-anxiety medication to reduce some of your self reported stress levels. I just wanted to make you aware," she says. Usually I would've fought, pestered her to know its chemical structure, debated side effects, tucked it in my cheek and spit, but not anymore. I'm going to keep trying.

-------------

"Ah, there's my beautiful granddaughter," my grandma walks in. "Hi grandma," I hug her. "Oh dear you're just glowing, it's lovely," she caresses my face and my mom spits into her cup so as not to laugh.  "Carissa you wanna share the news?" My mom raises an eyebrow and my face goes beat red...

"Oh um, I made Dean's List," I say, not lying, it's true, I am just not the celebratory type. "Oh so you tell her that and not me?" My mom jokes. "Congratulations dear! That must be where all that radiance is rooted. Brains do give you beauty," my grandmother fully believes her own words. "She has other news, mom," my mom says. "Mom if it's okay, I'd like to wait so I only have to tell everyone one more time," I whisper. "She'll announce it at dinner," my mother decides for me. Just then, Jason walk in, shirtless and in sweatpants with his hair sticking up. Mid yawn, "Ahh-oh uh hi, good morning," he says to my grandma. "Oh young man, nice to meet you," she smiles. My grandma is barely 4'10 and Jason is towering over the old woman who is now hugging him. "She does that. Coffee?" My mom offers him. "Yes please," he yawns. My mom pours him a much bigger mug than I got and hands him the International Delight creamer. Jason drinks about half his coffee without somehow burning himself just to fill the rest of the mug with cream. Oh Jason. Only a short amount of time passes before my dad, fully dressed and awake, opens the front door. My heart drops. What I thought would be a small family dinner with loved ones is now real estate for his parents, his siblings, and all their kids.

Bill- My dad's dad. A real man's man, staunchly Republican, not a fan of my Asian mother at all. Barely a fan of his half asian granddaughter (me, if you can't follow), who despite being a math star, could not file his taxes for him at 9 years old.

Judy- My dad's mom. Classic country girl, turned grouchy old lady. Despite the chaos of 3 kids, any disorder is unacceptable and must be realigned. Egocentric as fuck.

Madeline- My dad's oldest sister. Her husband Kenny is an ex jailbird and as he'll tell you, still a legendary rockstar. Their kids are grown adults, Tamara (34) with ten year old twins, Sasha and Sam, five year old, Nathan, and three year old Claire. Her husband and her had a divorce party about a year ago and she still wears the ring. Then there's Jacob, 27, who runs a law firm and is too distant to attend the gathering. Elena is 24 and has a tall, bearded man with a red white and blue eagle tattooed to his neck and 'USA' on his knuckles. She's wearing a flowy red dress and sporting a slightly noticeable bump. Just great.

Ryan- My dad's younger brother. Free spirit, 99% likely closeted gay. Hippie liberal seen as that plus junkie, unfounded.

There, now you know the mess that's crashing in. Jason understands my descriptions perfectly since he bites his lip and goes pale.

"Ah there's my little mutt. How are ya Crissy?" my grandfather, Bill, rubs is knuckles on my head. "Hi pap. This is Jason, he's my boyfriend," I introduce him. "Tall lad. Seem like a good man," he pats him on the back. "Ah so the little lezzy isn't gay after all?" Madeline half hugs me. "I mean it's ugh, um not that black and whi-" and she's gone off to talk to my dad. Ryan is awkwardly sitting in the corner on his phone and just waves. Elena walks over to me. "Hi sweetie, long time no see," I roll my eyes. My cousin is barely 6 years my senior but has always insisted on being a role model or older figure to me. She is standing and talking, quite clearly drawing attention to her pregnancy by rubbing her stomach and forcefully arching her back. Her husband grabs her ass here and there. They walk into the living room and my pap flicks on the football game. Jason is confronted by my grandmother. "I'm Judy, Carissa's grandmother. You are?" she shakes his hand politely but arrogantly. "I'm Jason, Carissa's boyfriend," he trembles a bit. "Ah she's lovely, isn't she? You are looking much healthier these days. Filling out nicely," I feel a pit in my stomach. Those words are horrors to my ears. I smile awkwardly and try to fake a thank you but fail to say anything at all. Judy walks away and my other grandmother approaches. "Her father's family scares me too, Jason. I want to leave," she giggles and cracks herself up, so Jason laughs along.

After a few hours of socializing and then Jason and I hiding in my room to watch Netflix, my mom calls us for dinner. We're seated at a large table that just barely fits us all. We begin talking about old family times, my mom's mom shares the story of someone's funny speech at my parent's wedding, while my dad's dad keeps trying to sneak in a good ol conservative jab about politics. When there was barely a pause, Elena stood up and nudged her husband to do the same. "Brent and I have an announcement to make," she raises her glass of water. "We know already Elena, you don't have to tell everyone every time you see them," Ryan rolls his eyes. "THEY don't know," she asserts. "They've seen you. Wear a dress that fits and maybe you'd have a slight surprise," he teases. She murders him with her eyes. "Brent and I are having a baby," smiles and cheers from the rest of her family erupt, while mine forces it perhaps a bit too obviously. My mom nods at me as if to say "you can do this". I give her that moment of glory before I come and steal a show I don't even want part of. I get asked about my grades and my major and Jason and my health and everything you could imagine. "So, Carissa and her lovely boyfriend also have something to share with us. Go on darling," my mom says. Jason stands up before I do. The whole room is spinning and I feel like I can't breathe. "I got this, babe," he whispers to me. "I'm Jason, you guys know that. Well, not to steal Alyssa's thunder-" "Elena," she staunchly corrects him, raising an eyebrow. "Right. Well Elena, we're very happy for you. We also have to share that there's two babies joining this family," he explains. My dad's family erupts and gasps. My mom's parents are still eating, unaware. "What does that mean?" My mom's dad asks. "Grandma, grandpa, I'm pregnant," I tell them and my grandma's cheeks go rosy and her smile widens. "It's about time, you're getting to be an old maid," she teases. My grandfather is just nodding and continuing to eat. Ah the quiet side, how I take them for granted. "How far along are you?" My dad's mom questions. "About 8 weeks," I say, taking an odd pride in my little sweet pea. "Oh cute. I'm at 14. I guess our kids will be good friends," Elena says, anxiously or perhaps angrily cutting up the meat on her plate. Hey girl, I didn't want to do this anymore than you wanted me to. Jason and I let the dinner go on and on full of discussions and taking a backseat to everything. At the end, I see him get up and my stomach wrenches. I know what he's doing.