brittled mind

10

80.4 and dropping. Finally getting closer to where I can evaporate. 

Birthday last week was a success. I convinced my family I'd rather go out for ice cream than have cake- aka I get a sorbet and throw half away. Now, the challenge of graduation comes up. My finals are done, I made honor roll, but walking tonight will be the problem. How is it I had friends all throughout school until now? Ethan and I barely talk to each other, class mutuals are only polite, and I'm all alone. 

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"Melissa Halycyk," the principal says as Melissa walks across the stage to get her diploma. "Hey man, I wanna talk to you after this. Come to my grad party tonight," Ethan whispers from behind. Ugh, seriously? 

"Leonard Harperton," I feel my heart flutter. Everyone will be looking at me, what do I do?! I schlep across until I grab my diploma, I don't hear the words of congratulations, and I feel like I'm going to fall any moment. I have to stand. I have to walk. 

"Ethan Ilwitz," I see my old friend walk across. 

Family pictures proceed. "Oh honey, why don't we go out for dinner?" My mom asks and even my dad looks defeated. "I actually am going to Ethan's grad party," I explain. "That's great! We'll see you at home. Make sure to eat," she says. I am both relieved and ashamed that it seems she's completely forgotten about where I was just a few months ago. Ethan's backyard is loud, lively, and bright despite the sunset. I bring my envelope with a check in it and anxiously wait to see him. His family is surrounding him as he runs over to see me. "Hey, Len, so glad you made it! Follow me inside," he says. It's quieter and he pulls out an envelope. "I know you don't want a party but here's this. Just a couple bucks for college survival," he says. "I am so glad you got into Cornell! I barely made it to Syracuse and that's with scholarships," he laughs and I smile. "You'll do great," I reassure him. "I know we haven't been close since things got rough for you and I'm a total douche for it. Promise we'll stay in touch from now on?" He says. I nod. I continue going around talking to classmates about college, tech school, and so on. The night ends and I go home late and stare at the wall until I fall asleep.

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That July:

"Len, honey, we need to see you downstairs," my mom interrupts as I'm in my room getting a head start on dorm supply shopping. When I get down there, my dad is sitting on the couch and my mom is drinking matcha next to him. "We're very excited for you to be going away to college," my mom starts. "But, we have some concerns," my dad licks his mouth shut. "We've tried to let you do your own thing, but not that long ago it was deathly for you. We can't let you go to school until you can prove to us you're eating and getting healthier," he explains. "Oh my god, seriously I'm totally one hundred percent fine," I say, stunned. "You don't eat any meals with us and based on how much weight you're losing it's hard to tell if you're eating at all," my mom fakes concern. Of course I eat. 150 to even 400 calories a day! "I eat all the time, just practicing being on my own," I say. "We want to weigh you," my dad says. I roll my eyes. "You guys I'm fine," I laugh. "If anything I might be a bit too chubby," I try to sound funny. My dad just stares at the ground. I run upstairs and quickly put on weighted clothes and calculate that they are an exact 7.5 additional pounds. I lock my door, knowing that they'll be back. "Leonard, we're not done," my mom says. I feel accomplished and try to look defeated. "Guys, I'm fine," I say. "We'll let you go to school then, if you're healthy enough," my dad responds. "Go get on the scale," I knew this was coming. I feel embarrassed at how high the number will be, especially with the added pounds, but hopefully they'll think it is too much. I anxiously tiptoe on. "Oh my god, Julia, he's only 78 pounds," my dad loses his breath. "78 point 3 I believe it says," I feel awkward. Ha, if only he knew how fat I still was even at 70.8. "Len, if you can get to 85 pounds, we'll let you go to college," he says. Good thing he didn't make eating a goal. Weight I can fake, eating is a bit trickier. I nod. "That sounds reasonable," I lie. 

I was a bit wrong, he did make eating mandatory, but eager to lose it quicker, I agreed. Unfortunately I have put on nearly four pounds by complying. I feel defeated but I know I will have to get into full control and stop being so weak. "Okay, Len, we're not going to weigh you, because we trust you," my dad says. I smile. Score! "I'm glad you'll be close to home, it's what a half hour, forty five minute drive?" My mom asks. "An hour with traffic" I laugh. My dad hugs me. "This is the fresh start you need," I see a tear run down his cheek. We get in the car with all my bags and  pieces of crap I needed to bring. Halima and Isa complain about having to come along, but we all know they want to go. We pull up and the welcoming committee is in full swing. I follow the instructions to my dorm and find that I'm the first one there. "This is your new home," my mom rubs my back. "He's supposed to share this broom closet?" Isa gasps. "Harvard will be much more spacious, especially since it's more prestigious," she jokes. "We'll help you unpack and then, I guess we say goodbye," my dad says. It's silent as they open boxes. I made sure to keep my diet pills in my backpack and ask to do my clothes later. I didn't bring the scale, which pleased my dad, but there will be a more accurate one in the fitness center anyway. My mom and I hug the most sincere hug I have ever felt since I was a child. I finally gave in and hugged my dad back. They walked out, Halima in subtle tears, and I just sat down on my bed. I go to a long and boring orientation at my lecture hall, and rather than go to first night party like I usually would've, I call it quits. Here lies Len's social life- on a creaky, over mattressed bed, unable to stay awake. Besides, I'm here for the studies, not the parties, right?