brittled mind

15

"Leonard, you have to let me increase your feed," Meredith is fighting with me. "But whyyyy I've tried to be compliant," I whine. "Because you keep losing weight," she explains. "But I need to what's the big deal," I snap back. "I don't even know my weight," I growl. "And it's best that way," she explains. "Oh so I'm too heavy I can't even handle it?" I challenge. "No, but the focus on it will get in the way of your treatment. We just need you at a point medically and psychologically where you can begin eating. I thought you were the psychologically, but maybe not," she writes down. "I'm fine now," I sigh. "Your heart is barely at 48 beats a minute, your blood pressure is low, and we still need to test enzymes and electrolytes. If we have you walking and eating too soon, you're not fine," she looks at me saddened. "Look, for whatever reason, some part of me wants to eat real food, maybe it's control or maybe I'm fucking hungry. Either way, I think this place would be on board but if I'm too fat for food so be it," I pry, hoping she'll give me information. 

"Len. You were admitted at 61 pounds. You got down to 59 when you kept blacking out. We got you up to 67, but now you're back at 63," she gives in. "Well see I have gained weight," I try to smirk. "I can't talk numbers with you Len," she says. "But it's for my treatment!" I smile. "Fine, but don't you dare get me in trouble," she laughs a bit. "The minimum bmi you can eat at is 10, which for you is exactly 70 pounds. If your enzymes are better, I'll put in a good word," she writes down exactly that. 

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"Hey man!" Jason bursts in, waking me up

"Oh shit, you're asleep sorry," he notices. "No you're fine, you're good. I can always nap later," I say. "Carissa's here too, she's just talking to the nurses for 'good times sake'," he laughs. "I'm so sorry you're back here," he sits down.  "It's my fault," I try to laugh. Carissa comes in, her face beat red. "Hello again," she closes the door as much as she's allowed. "Hey, Len, is it okay if I talk to Jason while you're here?" She winks. I nod, trying to seem confused. "I was hoping, Jason, I could ask a favor of Len, but I wanted to run it by you," she starts. "I was curious if we could have Len be the godfather," Jason still doesn't seem to have gotten the hint. "How thick is your skull, bozo?! You got me pregnant," she laughs and finally it clicks. "Wait so we're gonna be parents?!" He freezes. Carissa seems to think he isn't thrilled until he starts crying. "I'm going to be a father," he places a hand on her tiny, slightly distended abdomen. "And duh, Len can be the godfather- even though we're not catholic or whatever, it still works I think," he stutters.  Suddenly through the joy, Carissa's smile fades. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy?" He holds her hand. She quickly crosses her arms in front of her. "I'm going to get even fatter," she sighs. "How far along are you?" I ask her. "Just hit 3 months, I'm guessing, based on what the doctor said," she says. "And you still look like you're not pregnant. I think you're in the clear," I tried to reassure her, but Jason jumped on board. "I don't care what your weight is. That baby is staying healthy and so are you, got it?" He looks at her and she nods. "Leonard, Dr. Boltzer has requested to see you," a nurse interrupts. "We'll see you soon, Len," Carissa says. Jason holds her entire body as they leave. 

I'm wheeled off to the office down the hall. "Len, I'm so happy you're well enough to come in," he says. For once I'm relieved I can sit here too. "I wanted to consult with you so that you'd be aware. You haven't had any syncope episodes in a good amount of time and you haven't dropped in blood pressure or heart rate, so I am going to start you on a low dose of olanzapine and a moderate dose of sertraline to help your brain," he scribbles.

CARISSA POV

After visiting Len at the psych ward, Jason and I go back to campus. "We should get an apartment on campus together," he suggests and I blush. "How did this happen?" I ask after a pause. "Well I'd have thought a 19 year old would know about birds and bees but I guess I could teach you now," I jokingly hit him. "I never had the slightest bit of a crush on you in inpatient," I sigh. "Oh I did. Then in partial it was full force in love," he smiles. "You sure you wouldn't rather screw around with other girls than be stuck with the same pregnant one forever?" I sigh. "No one I'd rather be stuck with," he kisses my forehead. When I'm back at my dorm, I feel nauseous. I make sure my roommate is gone before I make a beeline for the toilet. Oh god I forgot how relieving that is. Hey, you know, I could always keep the pregnancy weight off this way. I mean everyone vomits when they're pregnant, I just don't give into cravings. It's not even starvation. I mean I have made so much progress. I got out of inpatient, went through partial, see a campus psychiatrist, eat fine, I'm pretty much recovered..right?

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LEN POV

A week later, the dietitian comes in. "Hey, Len, can I talk with you?" He sits next to Meredith. "I have been going over your records. Your liver enzymes are better and I'd like you to start eating," he says. I feel a rush of guilt and excitement hit me. I'm ready and hate that I am. I finally have the permission I needed to do everything that feels so wrong. "I'll have the social worker and Dr. Archeck assess you for dining room, but for now I'm going to have you start with soft and low volume foods. Congratulations," I fear what low volume means but that's okay for now. I can just focus on getting this goddamn tube out and maybe start walking.