brittled mind

13

I'm on the gurney with my parents watching from behind. I can't move but I can see and hear everything. The wires are back on me, but the people pushing me are in panic. 

"He's slipping away, the heart keeps slowing, do we turn back to ICU or ER?"

"Grab the defibrillator and check the pace maker, we just need to keep him alive till Dr. Boltzer can medically intervene,"

"I think the sedative was a bad idea,"

"He was going to die without full rest, he became psychotic,"

"I've seen some of the anorexics die, seen some go crazy, but this, this is new,"

"He can hear you, idiot,"

"I just, how do we keep him alive in time?"

"We are almost there, keep the defibrillator on standby,"

The ceiling keeps flashing by and I can't speak or move. My arms are still tied in the hold and I feel like a lunatic. I guess I am. I'm in a straitjacket, stabbed by a sedation needle, on my way to a psych ward, what horror movie is this from? 

I want to cry but I can't feel any tears. Is there anyone that truly cares about me or is everyone in on the plot?

"Dr. Boltzer, thank god,"

"Quick get him on the bed. Does he still need the hold?"

"He literally tried to run away and ripped out his connections,"

"Then I guess the IV has to go in a neck vein. Hook him up as fast and carefully as possible, I'll grab Meredith,"

I can't move but I squeak when the needle enters the other side of my neck. 

"Okay, I'm here. He's on the monitor and IV. I'll have him sleep and hopefully when he wakes up we can get him to start on liquid nutrition," I hear Meredith's voice. The people that brought me here leave and Dr. Boltzer hands Meredith a stack of papers. He hugs her and I hear her start to cry. Why would she be upset? "Hey, Len. I know you can't talk or move, but since you can hear me, I'm going to close your eyes. You're going to be okay, just fall asleep. Okay?" She lightly closes my eyelids and I slip into sleep.

-------------------------

"Huh," I wake up and it's still daylight. "You slept for nearly 24 hours, and we couldn't wake you in case it startled your heart, so we're going to need to untie you now, if you promise not to touch your needles or hurt yourself or us?" she states it like a question so I just nod. I have control of my body again, thank goodness. Dr. Boltzer comes in. "Here's 1 cup. Have him take only 1 ounce at a time, otherwise his liver might shut down. Wait 2 minutes between amounts," he instructs her. "Len, can you drink this?" she hands me a miniature cup. I shake my head. "Please," she begs. "You of all people should know I don't give in," I mumble. "I know you want to die. I know you want to be free from all this. But, I promise you'll be free for real if you start now," she has a tear in her eye. I take the tiny cup and swallow. I sob and sob. Then the screaming starts. "I can feel it sticking to me, get it out get it out get it OUUUTTT," I yell. "Len, please calm down," I just keep screaming. I scream until it's time for her to give me the second ounce. "Noooo I've already gotten fat enough from the first one. I smack the cup out of her hand and knock the rest of the big one on the ground. "Backup for Harperton," she yells crying in the hallway. A smaller sedation needle is stuck in my arm this time and I wriggle around the bed trying to move. They reapply the straitjacket. This time I can still talk and blink and move my feet so I keep kicking, but I become slower and weaker. Dr. Boltzer comes in with a yellow coiled tube. "Meredith hold him in place," he instructs her. She holds my torso and legs down as Dr. Boltzer grabs my head. I'm somewhere between sitting and laying when he tilts my head slightly downward and it feels like everyone's laughing at my double chin. "Sip the water," he commands with a straw in my mouth. I just bite. "Look, Leonard, you don't have to drink the water, but it's going to hurt way worse that way," he isn't friendly anymore. The tube is sliding through my left nostril and I can feel it wriggle down my throat as it burns. I want to drink the water but I can only control that so I allow the pain instead. I want to vomit. I cry and scream hoping he'll take it out, instead he hooks a bag containing gray mush to my IV rack. I can't believe I wasn't dedicated enough to stop this. I have to toughen up I can't cry. 

"It's in. Start the feed course," Dr. Boltzer says and leaves. "Nooo please don't, please, I'll do anything," I flip my body around, flopping like a fish. I see Meredith with tears and I know I have ruined everything.

"Please Meredith, take it out. For me," I wince. "Leonard, it's in there for you. This is all we can do," she mumbles. 

In the distance, I see my parents' silhouettes in the doorway. Meredith instantly rises to go to them. "Mr. and Mrs. Harperton, as difficult as it sounds, we're going to have to ask you to return another time," she says. "But it's visiting hours," my mom says. "I-I'm aware, but Leonard has been experiencing multiple psychotic episodes," she explains. "I'm not crazy! I can hear you," I yell, screeching- probably proving her point. "My baby is in a straitjacket in a mental hospital and had to be sedated. I'm aware he's not stable. But he's my son," my mom pushes. "It's for your safety. I'm not allowed to let you see him until it's been 4 hours without a convulsion, threat, or other psychotic behavior," Meredith tries to stand her ground. "I'll tell you what," she sighs. "Len is a very important patient to me. If he clears the 4 hour mark, I'll ask Dr. Boltzer and Dr. Archek if you can come see him. He is medically unstable, so hopefully that'll allow more lenience from them," Meredith says. "Thank you so much, we're sorry to have troubled you," my dad says and you can hear my mom weeping. She walks back over to me. "I'm sorry, Meredith. I can't think straight," I say, barely able to catch my words. "Leonard, you're very sick. Please don't apologize. You just need to rest," she pulls the covers over me and sits back down.