brittled mind

7

The next day, I walk again, just to prove how oh so medically stable I am. I'm still full from dinner last night. The scale does it's routine beeps until it reads 88.4. Well shit. I thought this would go slower. Nearly two pounds in a day?! "Oops, I forgot to set it to kilos, please don't tell on me," Alexa looks horrified, and I insist it's fine. "Also, today's the last day of one on one nurses. Your heart rate is 55 and your blood pressure is up a bit. And since you're eating and ga-" she panics not to say the big bad "gaining weight" phrase. I just nod in defeat. "Of course, if anything feels unsettling you can have some one on one," she smiles. I'm scheduled to see Dr. Boltzer after breakfast instead of before. Today I have what almost everyone else ate yesterday, a huge caloric increase. For the first time in ages, I want to gain weight. Well not for real, but, the quicker I get fat, the sooner I can lose it. Paisley bursts into the room. "Didn't even count it," they fume. I look at them and they see the confusion. "Oh I drank all the hot water from my shower. 5 minutes of constant drinking and I peed myself right on the scale," they laugh defeatedly. They must see my look of intrigue, because after Meredith yells at them to not trigger the other patients, Paisley gives me a wink and a thumbs up. I scarf down my breakfast. I chose the wrong day to wear jeans as I feel them nearly fitting properly as my stomach quickly fills up. It sends me into panic. But thanks to Paisley, perhaps I don't need to eat all this and slowly gain real fat. Meredith marks everyone clear- even Paisley. In the milieu, I see the young woman from earlier. Carissa and Jason invite me to meet her with them. "Hey there, I'm Jason. That's Carissa, and my man Len," I roll my eyes in humor. "I'm Emma," she smiles. "Ugh I feel so stupid. You're all anorexic and here I am just a lame ass binge eater," she tries to laugh but a tear falls down her face. Instead of trying to comfort her, Jason corrects her and says he's bulimic and Emma actually laughs. They continue talking but Paisley calls me over. "Let me guess, you're gaining just to get out and lose weight again?" they ask. I nod sheepishly. "Water is one thing. But you still got to eat or they'll mark your gains as "falsified". So yeah you'll chub up, but not quite as much. Also, stuff your underwear with any weighted objects you can find," they say. "Is that why you're still so thin?" I ask. "Oh you're hilarious. I'm a whale, but it worked when I used to be smaller. I got away with hiding half of my meals and faking weights. They thought I gained 15 pounds, really it was 5," they smirked with a weird sense of pride.  I nod, fascinated. That night, I go to bed early. We're not allowed much in our rooms, but I find enough buckles and buttons from pants and shirts to unclip and but in the pockets of my boxers, though they had thrown out the weights when I was admitted. I go to sleep more anxiously than before, so thank god there's no more heart monitor. 

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In the morning I get a five minute shower. It feels gross, but I remember Paisley saying they drank the water during the entire tim. Even after a few gulps I can see my stomach being distended. By the time I'm done, I already need to pee. They had said a liter of a water is a kilogram. I don't know how much I drank but it felt like quite a lot. Alexa is waiting outside the door and instructs me to dry off well since I must be weighed right after. Perfect timing. I hope I don't have a Paisley moment. I walk to the vitals room anxiously. I know if the water trick worked I'll have a panic attack but I have to get out of here. "This time I'll set it to kilos," she laughs. It reads 41.3 and Alexa furrows her brows but writes it down anyway. "Len, I don't want to have to ask you this, but I am going to trust you this one time. If you choose to lie it'll only hurt you. I'm not going to check, but are you faking your weight?" she asks. "No I'm just that fucking fat," I say trying to lighten the mood but her faces drops. "That's not what I was saying," she sighs. I just leave. I don't want to tell the truth but if I keep lying she'll feel guilty. A few minutes pass before breakfast and I ask Meredith if I can use the bathroom first and she congratulates me on being responsible. If only she knew. It feels like it takes forever. 

I sit down to a bagel, two packs of cream cheese, 8oz of juice, and a low-fat yogurt. Quantity is smaller but I see right through the caloric mountain. Still, I shovel it down. 

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Because we're all minors, we have dedicated time after breakfast and after lunch to do schoolwork. I use this time to distract myself from all the discomfort. I repeat the vicious cycle of eating, working, and playing meaningless games in the milieu for the next 3 days. I feel like I've been sitting in purgatory. Too fat to be happy, weighing too little to go home. The day finally comes when I step on the scale after doing a somehow more intense water loading session. I am in utter horror when I see it read 43.5. Quick math allows me to realize I have gone over the 95 pounds limit. Pretending that I don't know my mom will pull me out today I naively ask "Am I gaining too much weight?" Alexa looks at me and says with compassion, "I am not equipped to answer," she says. "What weight can I leave?" again playing dumb. "We can't discharge you with a bmi below 17, but it may need to be your IBW, it's too soon to tell," she informs me. I nod, feeling insanely proud that I will never have to get that big. Before breakfast, I ask to make a call home. "I'll be right outside the door," says Meredith. "Hey dad, is mom there?" he gruffs and hands her the phone. "I uh can't say anything exact but it happened," I say. "Oh you need a visit?" she says loudly "I'm gonna get you out give me half an hour to run down there," we say goodbye and she informs my dad that she's going to come visit me for some 'bonding'. I feel so free. I run into the milieu before breakfast. "Jason, Carissa, can you write your phone numbers down for me?" I ask. "Why?" Jason asks. I look around the room. "I'm leaving today," they both pull back in horror. "How on earth?!" Jason's jaw drops. "My mom said if I reached a certain weight I could go home. I don't want to lose connection," I say. "Goddamnit I thought I'd be the one saying goodbye to you," Carissa tries to laugh. "It's been like a week since Len got here and you two suckers are the only friends I really have," she cries a bit. "I'll give you my number, email, Instagram, and Facebook. I'm not risking not staying in touch," she scribbles across a paper. "Are you actually going to get better?" she asks. My pause before the "yes" seemed to give away my intentions. "I don't want to see you back here, you understand?" Jason writes his contact down. I nod.  Breakfast arrives and I'm free to not eat. I see Jason and Carissa looking at me pitifully. Across the table poor Emma is next to Paisley, both not touching a thing. I push the food around, pretend to sip my juice, and Meredith walks over and leans next to me. "Is something wrong, Len?" she asks. "I"m not hungry today." I say. "You still have to eat. What's going on?" she asks. "I'm just not happy with weights this morning," I say truthfully. "It's uncomfortable but you still have to keep moving ahead," she says and I half heartedly thank her. Time is up and I feel shameful for finishing my juice. I walk back to my room and Carissa and Jason come in. "Hey when we're both out we should get together, deal?" Carissa asks. We all nod. "Len, we're really worried about you leaving," Jason brings up the elephant in the room. "Look guys I'll be fine," they nod, but I know they don't believe it. "Since this is the last time we'll all be in here, why not play a game?" Carissa shrugs. "You and your games, how childish," Jason teases her. Throughout our 2nd rounds of charades, Meredith knocks on the door. "Len, I have news for you. You're going to need to pack up," she says, trying to hide her frown. "Oh wow, um okay," I say. "Your mother signed a 72 form and is here for you whenever you're ready," she explains. Jason and Carissa help me pack and we bid farewell. "I really can't thank you both enough for making me feel less miserable here," I say. They both smile and hug me and when I walk out I see Jason hugging Carissa as she cries. I never would've thought I could impact them, let alone positively. I walk to the front desk with my bag and Dr. Boltzer hands my mom some forms and explains how he accepts her decision. "Bye, Len. It was really nice meeting you. I hope things are better someday," he shakes my hand. My mom and I walk out the unit doors and eventually get to the front. There's a warm wind on my face. I haven't seen true sunlight in a week and feel so free. My mom hugs me when we're outside. "Let's go home," she says, starting the car. "Does dad know?" I ask. "Not yet," she breathes. It's a cheerful and relaxing car ride home.