brittled mind

16

I need to know my weight. I can't bear to let them increase tube feeds but I also can't eat for real. "Would finally seeing your family help?" Dr. Archeck asks as I swirl my spoon around a hot, greasy, bowl of so called soup, hoping it'll disappear. "I don't want them to see me like this," I say. "Alright, then take a bite," she instructs. "But this might be too much for my system," I fight. "Your dietitian thought of that but was sure you'd be able to digest as well as any other food," she reassures me. I lift spoon up to my mouth and slurp. A tear streams down my cheek but I keep going. I just keep slurping. I half the crackers and dip. Each bite feels like I'm committing a crime. But I have to do it. I hate how much I enjoy the taste, I feel shameful for liking it. I know I'm hungry. I'm craving the freedom of eating but feeling that hope is shameful. 

"Thank you for being willing to do meal sessions with me," I thank her. "Len, you don't need to thank me. I will do this everyday if it helps you get to a point where you can eat on your own. Why don't we work on some skills?" She suggests. "Distraction is a good one for now. It can help you think about something else. How about you tell me about school?" She starts. "I uh I go to Cornell. I'm double majoring in biology and chemistry and plan to go to medical school," I answer. "Where at and for what?" she asks. "I'm looking at UCLA, Mayo, UCSD, and Yale, and hopefully either surgery or oncology," she seems truly interested. While nothing can take my mind off the hell I'm feeling, it is nice to have another thing to think about.

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CARISSA POV

I'm in Jason's bed, waiting for him to wake up. He has his hand on my belly and I feel self conscious but I know he's not judging me so I stay. I look over and see his messy hair and worn out face. I have no energy to get up and move at all. "Good morning sunshine", I whisper in his ear and see his eyes start to open. "What time is it?" he asks. "A bit past 1, but don't worry it's Saturday. I'm going to get dressed and head off to my appointment," I say. "I'll come," he offers. "That's okay, you can rest," I assure him, but he insists. 

"Well Ms. Hong-Myers, your baby seems to be okay, but it isn't growing properly. It's not urgent, but in order to prevent anything going awry, I'm going to talk with your therapist. You've lost weight and with your eating disorder, we can't risk any damage being done for the baby, or to your mental state afterwards. But, I can still give you ultrasound copies," the doctor tells me and my heart skips a beat. I burst in to tears. "What's wrong?" Jason asks me. "I am so scared, I thought I was better but everything is so hard," I open up. "I will talk with your therapist but I'm going to recommend a partial hospitalization program at a psychiatric hospital somewhat close to here," I already know what he's talking about. With a last bit of hope, I agree. 

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LEN POV

"Okay Leonard, how do you feel about dining room privileges?" my dietitian asks. "Oh wow, uh, sure...no more one on one?" I ask and he smiles. "If you can finish your dinner in the dining room with other patients, that'll show us you're ready for bigger things,"

I can barely contain my slight excitement. I never thought I'd WANT to eat, yet here I am. I can't really think clearly, but this feels new and right. All the torture of being locked in my room unable to feed myself has made me want that control. 

"Can I go in the dayroom?" I ask the unit therapist. "Really? Oh uh sure, but you will have to wear the monitor," she wheels me out, carrying the heart monitor behind me. As I'm in the dayroom, I finally see the other people. There's a woman in the corner alone filling out a giant crossword book. There's two boys on the couch watching TV. I see these people I've avoided because I knew the pain of leaving before. I then see a door at the other end with a nurse outside of it. I hear the familiar screaming. Paisley must still be here. There's an older woman talking to two kids slightly younger than me and they're smiling. I miss the friends I had last go around.