Kinda-Comedian.

I'm Having Issues...

Okay, here it is. I, as stupid as it sounds, am getting really upset about TFiOS movie. I loved it, but I just want to watch it over and over and my family is judging me. I've seen it twice now, and I told my mom I want to see it again and now she thinks I have problems. The DVD doesn't come out until September, unfortuantely. I don't know why, I just really want to watch it. I feel like right now I really want a good cry. As weird as it sounds, I really like crying. Over good things like the movie. It helps me flush myself out. I, as narcissistic as it sounds, feel like I do think more deeply and more often than other people my age. I understand more, I'm wiser. I don't often show it because sometimes it just doesn't make sense to other people. As you read in my last post, I've been having emotional issues. Like I said, when I'm out of the house, doing stuff, I'm fine. I'm happy and goofy and such. But it doesn't take longer than 10 minutes of being alone doing nothing before I get really sad and such. I don't think it's lonlieness because I usually like being alone. I think if I met the right people I'd be better. All my friends are great, wonderful people, but I only really see the at school. My family and I have started not getting along. My step-dad and I just have different opinions on almost everything, my mom is an emotional taker, not giver. She likes talking about her day and her struggles and all that, but brush mine off as stupid and such because I'm a teenager and I apparently don't have real problems or valid thoughts. My dad, who I was actually getting along with for a while, is actually kinda a prick. I always over hear him when I'm going to bed, saying jerk-off things to my step-mom about all kinds of topics. And he's very insensitive. My step-mom, while having good intentions, is very overbearing at times. Things have to be done her way quite often, and after a recent event in which she told my dad a private thing I told her in confidence that in no way effected my well being or anything, just privacy, I don't really trust her anymore. And Lucy, well she's 7. She's at that age where her life goal is to annoy me, and I'm at an age where I'm easily annoyed. This diary thing or whatever it is has become more of a place where I can let loose than be funny. Honestly, I'm kinda happy it's been taking a more serious turn. I'm not super smart or athletic or gorgeous or anything, so I always try to be funny just to have something to contribute. I mean all my friends have been nothing but lovely, honestly, but I also feel like I haven't found someone who I really connect with. Not in a romantic sense, but like someone who I click with, you know? My friends and I can laugh and have similar intrests and like eachother, but I feel like I'm missing something. I'm also getting really fucking tired. Of many things. Constantly traveling back and forth from my dad's house to my mom's and vice versa. From always feeling sick. From not ever feeling motivated to do anything. From wanting to scream at the top of my lungs and sob violently for no reason. I'm just getting frusterated. So I sound all depressed and such, but when I'm with others I'm fine. I haven't updated a chapter of The Dead Beside Me in who knows how long, because I only write when I'm alone, but when I'm alone I don't want to do anything. I swear to God I'm not suicidal or feeling like I need to hurt myself, I've passed that whole thing almost a year ago. Now I just don't know anything. Literally. I feel lost. I usually love summer, I usually want to do things, red books, meet people, ect. But this year, I'll go if I have to but I'd be perfectly content staying home, doing nothing but stare at the wall pretty much. I feel like I'm wasting my days, and my precious few days left as a non-adult. I'm not a child, minor is a weird way to put it. Young adult doesn't sound fun at all. I'm a non-adult and I don't know what the hell is going on or what I want or why I've suddenly become so angsty. Maybe this is a perfectly normal teenager faze, or maybe I'm alone on this one, who the hell knows. I found such a deep interest and love in The Fault in Our Stars (movie) that I figure, hell, if it makes me less sad (as crazy as it sounds) I want to watch it over and over. I should read the book again, it's been a few months since I read it last, but for some reason, I can't seem to get myself to read anything at all. I have just stopped caring about almost everything, so when I have that little shred of interest in something, I want to expose myself to it as much as possible before my terminal aloofness comes back and steals it from me.I think I have read too many books. Read too many perfect, fictional senarios of people my age going through sucky things then something amazing happens and it gets better, and I'm just here waiting for my something. I usually set aside about 30-45 minutes a night to just a sobbing fest where I let it all out, but lately I have no tears. I just can't cry but I feel like crying. The whole lump in the throat, out of breath, weird whimpering, face getting hot and squishing up thing, but no tears come out. I don't know what's going on with me and I feel desperate and a bit hopeless and I just want to watch the God damn movie so I have an excuse to cry and take a nap. It all just sucks so much. Please comment if anyone reading this has similar emotions so I know it's not just me. Adios beetchachos.