Kinda-Comedian.

My Excestential Crisis.

        Many of you may not know, but I am entering my 1st year of high school this fall. I have been so busy recently, I have had zero time to really think about that, but now that a lot of the tornado of finals and such have died down more, I'm looking at it and whimpering. Adulthood is like my #1 fear. I'm mature and all that, but the idea of living alone, not seeing my mom or friends everyday scares the hell out of me. It makes me want to cry. I know I still have 4 years, but these last 4 have gone by so fast I'm afraid that this will go by too fast. I'm not into parties or hanging out with friends that much. Come to think of it, I don't know what I'm into. Life is just moving so fast, before I know it I'll be dead. I know it's probably a long time away yet, but I keep thinking about it. I just don't know what I really want. I've always thought I want to be a writer/political journalist, but I honestly have no clue what I want. Life kinda sucks. I mean, there are great parts and all that, but seriously, it's really fucking hard some days. A lot of the time I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I feel like the older I get, the more this will be brought up in my mind. I just hate how I'm going through life right now, very routine and boring. I'm letting the days go by, precious days that I know some people would kill for. I'm lonely a lot. I usually really like being alone, it gives me time to think, but recently I've wanted to have someone. Not just hang around people, but someone who completely gets me and all that bullshit. But I'm also a teenager, I can't have that. So many emotions, such a young age. I have so much I want to do and not nearly enough time to do it all. So much I want to see, so many people I want to meet, so many experiences I want to have, and not nearly enough time to do everything, see everything, meet everyone. It sucks. I'm feeling rather hopeless these days, like no matter what I do, I'll die someday and yeah, my family and friends will care but no one else really will. Just knowing this gives me too many emotions, mostly hopelessness and extreme anger. I really wish I could just be 3 years old again, where my biggest worry was if I was going to be able to sing all the words correctly in a Disney movie. I watched this power point today that is being shown at graduation, with pictures of me and all these classmates of mine I've known since kindergarten, and all these pictures of us as kids and now. I almost had a breakdown right there in school. Some days I want nothing more to be an adult, then there are days like today where I just want to be little and carefree again. Then my family is like "Just wait, you don't even know hardship yet. You have it so easy" and all that. But they are much wiser than I am and can more appropriately deal with these situations. I can not. It's absolutely terrifying. Anyone, let me know if you feel the same or if it's just me. Talk to y'all later.