From the Reader's POV (Open)

#2

Critique #2
Fiction: Novel

Title: The Gap
Author: nalufanatics0809
Genre: FanFiction / Fantasy

(I just accidentaly deleted my first draft (or watty's fault?)  so medyo tinamad akong magtype ulit kaya natagalan)

Overview

Your story is written in English but I'll write this critique on tagalog to make myself more clear. Marami akong napansin sa story na ito kaya medyo nagtagal talaga ako dahil nga sa ayaw naman kitang bigyan ng half assed critique, gusto ko mabigay ko naman iyong best ko. Isa doon ay syempre it's not perfect as you say it's not your first language. But I'll discuss everything about this one later on.

Uunahin ko na iyong opinyon ko muna bilang reader sa nabasa ko na story mo, I'm actually also a fan so I'm reading a lot of fanfictions not just here on wattpad but if you know the ao3 site? Pero siyempre di ko na pahahabain pa but I don't know naguguluhan talaga ako sa story. Kung sa technicality lang naman, mapapalampas ko talaga ang wrong grammars dahil hindi ako grammar nazi but medyo may kulang talaga sa approach ng eksena.

Una kong napansin ay ang description mo. Ang unang mababasa ng isang reader ay ang decription mo, kaya kapag medyo hindi sila sigurado dito hindi nila babasahin. Parehas lang din naman iyan kapag bumili ka sa bookstore, babasahin mo muna iyong likod para magkabackground ka sa magiging istorya ng bibilihin mong libro kaya kung hindu ito mo ito nagustuhan bakit ka ba mag-aaksaya ng pera o panahon, hindi ba? Kaya you have to worked on this part.

Sa description mo, masyadong scatter 'yong thoughts, tapos kinwento mo na iyong mga mangyayari sa loob ng libro mo. At ito ang pinaka dapat iwasan mo, ang spoilers. As much as possible, make your readers to be excited, to be curious, and most importantly to read more not tell them right at that moment what will gonna happen for the entire book. Remember that it is supposed to be just "description" or like a teaser, a background to your book.

Few words can do, or a few sentences. But avoid weak words that can make your description boring. Be more specific. But I'll be back to it later for my edit recommendation.

For the first few lines, the one entitled as Prologue aren't that catchy for readers. I mean, drop that Hi, my name is blabla and blabla... It is not essential to start your book this way. I mean, the rule of writing is improving, changing for the better and we have to take that ride to improve ourselves also.

Maraming bagay na maaari nating maging umpisa dahil isa sa pinakamahalaga ay ang first impression.

Characterization

So, dahil isa itong fanfiction ay establish na naman ang characters mo and I think hindi mo naman ganoong binago ang pagkatao nila from the original one, but I suggest to please like add some spice that can make the characters like your own.

Hindi din clear iyong mga ugali nila sa kwento, parang hindi pa siya ganoong develop although sa anime meron ka na naman na background but it's still a book so dapat ilalagay mo pa din doon or iimplement mo dito.

Dialogue

Marami akong nakita na hindi angkop na dialogues sa mga characters, but you can improve it.

Isa sa nagpapabuhay sa isang nobela ay ang mga pag-uusap siyempre ng mga karakter sa loob nito para masabi talagang buhay sila. But first you have to know his/her character to fit on the way she or he speaks.