From the Reader's POV (Open)

Batch 2 #6

Critique #21
Fiction

Forget-me-not by -IndieWriter- ShortStory

One Shot lang naman ito kaya hindi ko gagamitin iyong usual kong critique style.

Sa tingin ko din kasi ay mas magiging madali kong masasabi iyong mga opinyon ko kung essay type na lang ang gagawin ko.

Nasabi ko na din ito sa nauna kong icritique na hindi ako madalas nagbabasa ng shortstory or oneshot dahil medyo nakakabitin iyong progress.

Pero katulad ng madalas kong ginagawa, I will set aside my own taste as a reader.

Uunahin ko na ang title, medyo hindi ako ganoong nakakakita ng titles with hypen or dash kaya niresearch ko din iyong rule about dito, first thing na nakita ko is you can just capitalize the letter of the first word like for Twenty-one but in this case I also found out that there is actually a flower called Forget Me Not and I thought it was a coincidence until I fully read your story.

Iyong pag-uumpisa ng story parang too good to be true, parang sobrang saya at perfect ng mga pangyayari, 'yon bang maiinggit ka kay Arian kasi may Dominic siya at masaya ang buhay niya... para bang panaginip lang.

And then you just dropped the bomb on their wedding day, and all of Arian's wonderful dream became a nightmare.

Scenes are not predictable, you'll nevermind the pacing at first because you just want to continue reading and found out what will happen to them and their 'happy ending' as it was like a fairytale in the beginning.

Habang nagbabasa ako napatigil muli ako kasi namention na 5 years na since nacoma si Dominic at napagdesisyunang tanggalin na iyong life support. And I was like? Is that even possible? So nagresearched ulit ako dahil nacurious din ako kung totoo ba ito.

And then I found out that it is possible, wow, possible pala iyon 'no? Nabasa ko din na may nacoma nga ng 23 years? Like that was really... love.

Although madami nga daw conflications during and after the coma state of the patient.

So, nasa Facts pa din tayo and not really exagerrating things that we should avoid.

And the biggest twist of the story just happened, I wasn't really expecting that.

Hindi ko basta napredict na bigla na lang ipapasok iyong fantasy side ng story, also nalaman ko din na may kinalaman talaga sa bulaklak iyong story.

It really sounds interesting to me, although it may cliché at it's sound but for real, you got me hooked there.

After that, nagkaroon na ng mahabang pacing sa pagkukwento ng consequences ng hiniling niya sa bulaklak hanggang sa nagsawa na siya at gumive-up.

I was really hoping for a good ending and it you didn't dissapoint me, all of it makes sense.

Maayos ang transition na kahit mabilis ang mga pangyayari ay hindi ka mawawala sa emosyong hinihingi mismo ng mga eksena. Napanindigan din ang mga karakter at kung ano ang purpose o goal nila sa story.

For the plot, it wasn't really original but you did so well on creating your own taste about it.

Napaghalo ang mga genre katulad ng romance, drama and fantasy.

Sa Grammar naman, maayos ang mga salitang ginamit, well-researched at halatang alam ang mga binabanggit na mga terms, maayos na naipaliwanag at naisalaysay ang buong kwento.

It wasn't really perfect, you still have things to improve specially on how Arian would deal with circumstances of Dominic being in a coma state and after he woke up and not remembering her, I think Arian's emotion can still show more than she showed.

Also, be more careful with timegaps.

But I can say, it is well written. I am definitely impressed and I enjoyed reading it.

Keep writing!

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My rating; 9/10