Sanity || j.d

49

“I’ve got it.” He snapped his fingers, bringing me back to the present where he went about explaining how we could get me out of this relationship.

I shook my head. “That’s preposterous. I... I couldn’t do that. Not to him.”

Josh scowled at me. “Do you want to go through with this or not?”

I shrugged. “To be honest, I don’t think any of us deserve to do that much, if it’s not going to end up good.”

He sighed and slouched in his seat; elbow resting on his knee and chin resting in his hand.

***

“Why are we doing this?” I whispered for about the millionth time.

Josh was seeping with anger, furious at me for asking so many questions. “Because you don’t love him.”

I was starting to think that we were doing this because Josh wanted me to love him. It wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest, but I really hoped he was doing this for me and not just himself.

Pulling the sleeves of my jacket over my hands as it was cold outside, trying not to think of this as some sort of grotesque way of getting back at this clingy guy. Josh would never do things for his own benefit, especially not in situations like this. He’d just be there, being my fallback. I shut my eyes, knowing that he was finally thinking of himself because of everything I’d put him through.

“I’m sorry.” I muttered and he looked over at me.

“What?” He asked.

I just shook my head and began going back down towards the car. “If I’m going to do this, I’m going to do this for myself. I apologise for everything from the moment I pushed you away and everything after that.”

He frowned and followed after me, catching my hand. “Sarah. What’s up?”

“You’re the underdog in all of this because you wouldn’t give up but you kept on trying,” I shook my head again as we walked across the car park. “And I can’t make you feel like that. Sure I don’t love Cole, but I won’t do this for you in spite of him.” I explained.

“Hey, look at me.” He stopped me and made me look up at him. “I wouldn’t make you do this if you weren’t sure of it.”

“But it’s not right.”

Josh nodded but still, we stood, unmoving.

“You’re too good to him.”

“Because he’s good to me.” I replied.

His voice was cracked and quiet. “Aren’t I good to you?”

“Of course you are. You’re an angel to me-”

He had his lips pressed to mine before I could say “no”.

“Sarah? What are you doing?” Cole’s voice was hallow and dry.

It took me a moment for my brain to click: I was kissing my best friend and boyfriend/not boyfriend walked in on it. Well, this is awkward. In my right mind I would have said that it could have been worse, but right now I wasn’t. So I didn’t.

Stepping back from Josh, I looked between the two. It had worked out exactly as Josh had hoped it would; Cole would walk down here and see the two of us kissing and that would be it.

But I couldn’t find my voice to defend myself and Josh just stood there looking like he could careless.

Why was it me? I always thought I was going to be faithful and dignified and honest. I didn’t mean to do it.