A Guard's life

How to make pizza

A/N:

SO... even less dark than before, I hope. The chapter that would be before this one would be chapter four of Phone Guy's Pizzeria.
Fun fact: This was actually the first chapter I finished x3
As always, I hope you enjoy!

EDIT:
THIRD CHAPTER DOWN, BBY!
AsiawasiaPL stated that they only found few mistakes, but I have the slight supicion that might only be because this chapter was so chaotic.
EITHER WAY THOUGH, SOME MISTAKES WERE FIXED! MAKING THE CHAPTER ALREADY OBJECTIVELY BETTER!
SO THANK YOU, AS ALWAYS, AND ENDLESSLY! YOU ARE DOING ME A HUGE FAVOR, NEVER FORGET THAT!

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Shyly Jeremy tipped Phone Guy on the shoulder.
"Excuse me, sir? Ronaldo is sick today..."
"WHAT?! Sick?! How can he... what...!?"
"He told me on the phone that he is vomiting blood right now..."
"You don't have to believe everything that you hear Jeremy!"
"B-but I heard splattering in the background when he paused..."
"That doesn't matter! What are we going to do now?!"
Mike overheard the conversation. "Who the fuck is Ronaldo?"
"The DOUGHMASTER! Master of the dough! He is our chef. What are we supposed to serve without his pizza?!"
Phone Guy would probably run his fingers through his hair if he had any, but playing around with his phone cord seemed a good substitute. Hastily he made a decision.
"Mike, you will fill his role today!"
"What? Fuck no, I can't even make pizza! And everything I put into the oven catches on fire! Why can't Jerry do that shit?"
"Because I need him out here to deal with the customers! He at least doesn't insult everyone who asks for the bathroom!"
"But why the fuck do they even ask for one?! DO WE LOOK LIKE WE SHIT ON THE FLOOR HERE? WE EVEN HAVE A FUCKING RULE AGAINST THAT!"
"You see? That's why you're going to spend your day in the kitchen."
"Hey! Hey Phoney! Can't I do that?" Vincent popped out behind a curtain.
"... How long did you hide behind there?"
"Ten minutes."
"But... why?"
"For the dramatic effect!"
PG sighed and shook his head. "No you aren't allowed in the kitchen, after you almost blew up the whole restaurant and served a pizza with Bonnie's REAL face on it.
"But they asked for it!"
"They meant for you to form a face out of the salami, for hecking darn gosh!"
"Well, I didn't know that... won't happen this time, boss. Now, can I?!" He gave the Phone his best Sunday smile- if we're talking about a Sunday-massacre.
"No. That's my last word. Mike go now, the first customers will arrive soon!"
Growling Mike went into the kitchen. Once Phone Guy turned away, Vincent followed him.
"Hey, Mikey, wait up! You surely need the recipes, don't cha?!"
Distrustful Mike inspected the wide grin of his co-worker. "Isn't there some kind of book for that?"
Vincent laughed. "No, of course not! Why would Ronaldo need that kind of stuff? We have to use our memory... good that I have all the different steps memorized!"
"Are you fucking with me?" He just wanted to cut the crap.
"I wish." Completely serious the aubergine man looked at him.
And Mike wished he hadn't worded that so poorly.
"Alright, let's prepare some pizza. If Phone Guy get's us; you threatened to kill a doggo if I wouldn't let you stay."
"Good idea!"
The cynical guard wasn't sure if he meant the excuse or killing doggos if he was sent away.
"First we'll prepare the groundwork of the pizza! The dough and the sauce! The dough get's actually made here, the sauce is out of cans. Put the prepared ingredients into the bowls, to mix 'em up!"
Unmotivated Mike followed the steps. This was already boring and repetitive.
"We actually have to do that, since we accidently created a mutated rat with our dumpster-dough. If I think back, it was probably a bad idea to have a children restaurant next to a nuclear reactor."
"That was the bad idea? Not the shitty idea to take ingredients out of a dumpster?"
But already Vincent had moved on with the recipe.
"Now you put a little weed into all of them!"
For how stupid did Vincent take him for?
"As if I'd do that. You're not tricking me."
"I'm not kidding." Serious once again Vincent opened a closet filled with that shit. "Why do you think our customers don't care that we have a Phone-head as our Head-Guard?"
Finally it made sense! "What the fuck is wrong with you people?!"
"Pst! He didn't ask to become an abomination." The Purple Guy's smile returned on his face. "Now go on, we don't have all day!"
They mixed the dough into the perfect lump, then put it into the oven. Because of the fire-hazard Vincent was the one doing that, while Mike cut up some vegetables and one fruit.
"Why would anyone eat tomato on pizza that already has tomato sauce on it?"
Sympathetic his company patted him on the back. "There are truly broke people out there, Mikey. Just fulfill their wishes, they're already lost."
The base for the pizza was ready and smelled delicious. Right on time, because Jeremy brought the first orders.
"One Freddy-special, with a diet limo!"
"WHY THE FUCK DO THEY ORDER PIZZA AND THEN PRETEND TO FUCKING CARE ABOUT THEIR WEIGHT?!"
"Broken people, Mike. Broken." Crossing his arms Vincent nodded.
"Alright then." Without wasting another thought about the customers, he picked up the Chica-themed bottle and filled it with the friendly looking fluid.
With one stare Mike destroyed the happiness of that poor liquid, as it now understood that its time was limited and by now already wasted. If it had only spent more time with his children... it barely remembered them getting their first bubbles...
The now sad looking fluid was shut in, together with some ice.
The Freddy special was just basically every ingredient together, on an extra-large base. It wasn't the best Freddy's had to offer, at least in Mike's opinion.
They gave the pizza out and got the next order in.
"Two times the normal and a large can of motor oil!"
Both employees already gave up asking.
"One Bonnie-pizza and one portion fries."
"Who buys fries at a-"
"There's no fixing for these suffering sheep."
The day continued and both of them were working on a fast pace, bringing out the pizza as quickly as possible. Mike kept an eye on Vincent, but suspiciously he didn't do anything wrong.
"One time direct-special!"
"What the fuck is that?"
"Oh, it's a pizza for doggos. Just don't put on any sauce, instead they prefer kibbles."
This was too far even for someone who had seen the most ridiculous things at Freddy's. DOGS ODERING PIZZA? Yeah, as fucking if.
"No, you're trying to sabotage me. You want to get me fired by the boss."
"What are you saying, we have-"
"You know what? FINE." he piled an enormous amount of kibble on the pizza dough. "I don't even want to do this shit ever again. Fuck you and fuck PG, he can do it the next fucking time."
Angrily he gave the pizza to the counter. "...fucking Phone-face forcing me to do stupid shit, just because I swear a bit, he should fucking desensitize himself...."
It was almost noon, when the first real problem arrived, Mike had accidently touched the oven and now half of the kitchen stood in flames.
"OH, HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!" Panicked he filled buckets with water and threw it into the howling flames. Vincent only kept on making pizza.
"Maybe you have secret superpowers you don't know about?"
"COULD YOU MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS OVER HERE AND HELP ME NOT TO KILL EVERYONE IN THIS ESTABLISHMENT?!"
"But then the customers will get cranky! They want their pizza as fast as possible!"
"THEY WANT TO LIVE MORE THAN THEY WANT THE FUCKING PIZZA!"
"Are you sure about that? Maybe some of them are like you."
Too preoccupied to punch the cancerous fuckface, Mike kept on trying to quench the fire.
After five minutes watching him, Vincent stepped to a switch on the wall and activated it. Immediately a hundred bucket amount of water rained form the ceiling, drenching the other guard and destroying the flames.
Slowly Mike turned around, twitching. "Do you honestly want to fucking say that you could do that all the time, or at least warn me before you do it and just CHOSE TO FUCK UP MY DAY?!"
As Vincent grabbed a red towel, it went too far for Mike, he ran towards that piece of shit with the intention of breaking his neck.
Vincent swiftly made a step out of the way, which led to Mike's crash into the kitchen table. It only made him angrier though, so he turned around and started to sprint again at the Guard who only wriggled with the towel once more.
It made him almost crash head first into Phone Guy.
"Employee, what is going o-" He looked from Vincent standing there with his red towel to the drenched Mike. "Didn't I tell you to not to let him into the kitchen?! So it's your fault that the customers act all weird!"
"Weird? Weirder than usual?" Mike was curious at how that was possible.
"They are all just sitting around, completely relaxed and stuffing their face with food! I mean, it's fairly nice, because we don't risk anyone getting bitten and... other things... but I fear that whatever you did to get that effect is illegal."
"Ah, Phoney, don'tcha worry, we only used some of Ronaldo's weed, no biggie!"
"YOU PUT THAT INTO THE PIZZA?! ARE YOU CRAZY?! KIDS ARE EATING THAT! MIKE SCHMIDT, HOW AND WHY DID YOU LET THAT HAPPEN?!"
"He fucking said- I mean... he threatened to gut a doggo, boss! How the fuck should I have reacted?!"
"VINCENT! YOU... H-HECKING DARN EGGPLANT!" Phone Guy rubbed his face, trying to calm down. "The doggos are basically untouchable, so that was a bluff."
"But it was a good one, rite?!"
"Vincent, Mike, you will switch now with Jeremy. I don't want to see any of you in the kitchen for today... so nothing worse can happen."
Mike shot Vincent an angry stare. "You said-"
"Do I look like I'm to be trusted?" The Purple Guy laughed and snatched Mike's hat. The scars under there didn't seem to irritate him in the slightest, because he just kept grinning and ran away.
"COME BACK OR I TAKE YOUR FUCKING DICK AND SERVE IT ON THE NEXT PIZZA, AFTER I COOKED IT WHILE IT WAS STILL ATTACHED TO YOU!"
"If you manage to get me~"
They darted around the main show area, the customers started to turn their heads to watch.
"Look at me Mikey, I'm the pizza now!" With that he jumped on top of one of the longer tables, running towards the other end. The part time night guard took this opportunity to flip said table on the side, letting Vincent crash to the left, close to the ball pit. Grinning he hissed and jumped into it. Quickly Mike ran to the edge of the ball pit, trying to find out where he was hiding.
All of a sudden he felt that his leg was being grabbed and he tripped into the balls. While sixty percent of his brain thought how much it would hurt to crash into a one foot deep hole, filled with nothing but plastic balls, the rest noticed Vincent screaming "UNDERWATER KISS" and was terrified.
After fighting off his co-worker who tried to molest him like a psychotic mermaid (Merman? Would mermen do that?), he was confronted with the problem that THE BALL PIT HAD NO FUCKING GROUND.
Panicking he saved himself on an Island, which was appearently made out of Mangle's spare parts and regained his breath. Only shortly though, because there was Vincent, grabbing onto the shore.
"Rose... Go on without me..." He said, in his ridiculous over-the-top way, pretending to be drowning (well, maybe he actually was, thought Mike to himself).
A spilt second Mike stared, but then grabbed Vincent's head and pushed him under the balls. "DROWN YOU FUCKING PURPLE PEST, I'M GOING TO END YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING LIFE-"
"EMPLOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!"
Oh-oh. Mike pretended to only sit peacefully on his shore, while Vincent struggled to get up as well. "Yeeees... boss?"
"DID YOU PUSH OVER THE TABLES IN THE MAIN ROOM?"
"Well, Mikey here was just unstoppable..."
Mike wouldn't let that accusation just stand in the room.
"I? YOU FUCKING JUMPED ON TOP OF THE TABLES LIKE NOBODY'S BUISNESS!"
"BE QUIET YOU- H-HOOLIGANS!"
"What?"
"What?"
Confused they gave PG time to calm down.
After a while he stopped screaming into his hands.
"You! Both of you! If the customers would complain, I would have to fire you! TOO BAD THEY'RE ALL HIGH. So congrats. Now. GET. INTO. YOUR. SUITS. Or I'll reconsider letting you stay."
Like beaten puppies they passed Phone Guy with lowered heads. After they left his hearing range, Mike softly uttered to Vincent. "I think he's having a bad day..."
"Eh, I think he's doing great! I mean, by now no one has died and everyone is just eating our pizza. No complaints, no potential danger, no problems! This is probably the best day we've had in weeks!"
They entered the saferoom.
No music was able to reach through the soundproofed walls.
It was awfully gloomy, except the golden Suits that lied on the ground.
"Did ya ever use one of these, Mikey? It's a bit complicated... you may want to listen to some tapes first."
"Nah fuck that, can't be that hard."
Vincent snickered. "Honestly, those are famous last words. Let me help you, before Phoney gets even madder at me!"
"To paraphrase you: "You're clearly not be trusted." I'm good, thanks."
"You should REALLY take my friendly offer, co-worker. Or I might get the impression you have a... bad image of me."
While talking, Mike stripped golden Fredbear on. "Well, you fucked me over, more often than not, so- Yeah, I kind of distrust you." He was getting more and more angry, the longer he thought about it. "The fuck do you actually expect?! You're the biggest asshole I ever met, with NO regards for anyone! YOU DRUGGED KIDS FOR ENTERTAINMENT JUST NOW."
"You helped." Vincent's grin had vanished as he closely watched his co-worker getting dressed.
"I DIDN'T FUCKING KNOW BETTER!" With that he slipped the head on.
Vincent paused for a second. Nothing happened. How the fuck was that possible?
"Now let's get going, before PG shits on us even more." Mike turned around, walking towards the exit.
Well, it didn't matter now, right? He could always help fate a little...
Vincent softly grabbed one of the bolts that were perking out of the side of the costume and tugged it out.
Any minute now, the springlocks would be buried deep inside the lungs of this annoying dick and he would break down and try to scream, scream for help that would never come...
"What are you doing?" Mike turned around.
Just... there was no Mike anymore, staring out of the eyeholes.
Only white dots.
Oh, after all this time.
They met again.
This was HIS suit.
Fredbear would HAVE to know.
"Fredbear." He grabbed the snout and pulled it closer.
"Where. Is. Henry?"
Laughter, deep distorted laughter filled his ears, similar, but not the same as Henry's laughter once the other mechanics and programmers asked for the secrets behind his life-like robots, once they lured the kiddens into the backroom, once he told him about the suits planned fatal flaws...
Reality came back, as Mike opened the door, walking backwards, still staring at him.
Quickly he got his smile back on the face and suited up as well, following him. "Hey, Mike-"
"You're creepy."
"Yes, but I wanted to tell you something... you're blessed! Someone is really keeping an eye on you and that's great! But be careful... one sides blessing is the other ones curse. You better make sure you're on the right side..."
"OH FUCK OFF with that bullshit. I have my own side that wants everyone else to kill themselves."
"Alright!" He laughed cheerily and kept beside him. "But honestly, you should give me chance! I didn't do anything to HARM you, did I? The drugs were on my responsibility and Phoney would have only fired me. I'm not that bad, Mikey! It would break my heart if you thought like that of me~"
Shortly Mike paused and glanced at him. He wasn't a casual liar, that was painfully obvious to Vincent.
"I admit, it's a little funny to see the customers like that. Still, you lied to me. You outright stated that you aren't trustworthy."
"Well, I'm a prankster! I can't help being a little saucy!"
"Saucy?! Who the fuck says that?!"
"Fine, fine... I'm cheeky!" It was important to gain his trust. Either his trust or his life and it was always a pain in the ass to get rid of other employees, who aren't able to be springlocked. "C'mon, do you really want to tell me that you can dish out, but can't deal with it being leveled at you?!"
"When did I ever prank you?"
"You could start, if you wanted to..."
"Like a competition?"
Shortly, for the split of a millisecond, there was his pink-skinned partner, smugly grinning with his dark eyes, after his once again genius proposition.
"Yeah... that could be fun!"
"Meh, you'll get me fired when I win."
"You won't win!" He was getting somewhere, at least that was what Mike's small smile told him.
"Alright. You wanted it like that. LET THE FUCKING PRANKS BEGIN! But one exception: NO OTHER PEOPLE GET INVOLVED."
"Aww, you're worried I touch your lil' Jeremy?"
"Yeah, you're a psycho. I've seen kidnap pranks, where their best friend got kidnapped along for realism and hell... those weren't traumatizing at all."
"But if they weren't trauma-"
"IRONY. DO YOU FUCKING SPEAK IT?!"
"I get it; I get it... no other Guards. But kidnapping you is not of limits, right?"
"I'm fairly sure even YOU know the right answer to that."
"Do we need some safewords, daddy~?"
"Kill yourself."
"You say that all the time. How about "OH GREATEST PRANKSTER OF ALL TIME, PLEASE FORGIVE MY PUNY ATTEMPTS AT BESTING YOU! I WILL REPENT IN WHATEVER WAY YOU WANT ME TO!"
"Without the last part."
"But that's the fun part! Where's the fun in no risk?"
Mike was a gambler, Vincent had seen that when they first met. Vegas was filled with hot-headed idiots, who weren't able to weigh risk and reward... who didn't know that the whole game was rigged.
"Alright. I'm going to bring you down to hell once I've won."
Now the idiot was his, without question. He was far to good-hearted to do something that would even make him CONSIDER giving up.
"Can't wait for that~"
The day finished and on the way out, Vincent smooched Mike on the cheek.
"See ya tomorrow... I only expect the best of you!"
His grin froze shortly, as he saw the reddening of Mike's face, who looked shocked. Then the grin only stretched. Mikey was far too sweet and far too fragile for his though exterior. But hey, the more weak points he got, the easier it would be to keep him... around.
The other guard suddenly yanked Vincent's hair, walking past him, while he was busy rubbing the back of his now paining head.
"Never do that again, understood? NEVER touch me again. You... fucking startled me. Weirdo."
"You're far too cute for me to stop~"
He had already left.
Actually, it was pitiful. Mike didn't seem to know that Vincent was like a shark. A shark that just had smelled blood.

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A/N:
Is it obvious that I overthink DSaF far too much? I just find so many odd details...
Nevermind, thank you for reading and have a nice day! :D

FUN FACTS WITH AsiawasiaPL:
Since there's a talk in this chapter by Mike about why people eat tomatoes on pizza with tomato sauce here's a small fun fact:Here, in Poland, it's a normal everyday thing to put ketchup on pizza (or garlic sauce if you like it)