Hidden Reality: A collection of poems

Desperate Shouts

Date: 3/9/18

"Listen here to all of my words, my prayers, all of the thoughts I've held back all these years,

Lift your cup in spite of my protest,

Heave my words out and I shall digress:

All of thoughts of my own demise has filled my tongue with every rhyme,

It's like the soul inside me has turned itself into a horrid demon,

Consuming my conscious and emptying my significance.

Making me playfully think about doing things utterly stupid,

Have no clue on why people really do it; it's useless.

But what can I say without appearing as a hypocrite?

I obviously don't have a clue.

Maybe I'm just sick and tired of growing up as a fool,

And playing by these worthless rules.

Everyday I wake up and feel like complete crap,

Like everything would be okay if I didn't even exist.

I just want to close out the world and be by myself,

Hug me tight and reteach how to gain self-trust,

Self-lust,

Hopefully it won't turn out as a bust.

To form me right back to the person I've use to be,

The person I wanna be,

The person I thought was the truer me,

The realer me.

But nah, now I'm just an empty shell of what I've use to be,

I don't like it!

I wish I could go back in time and rewrite my passage.

This chapter: I want to skim right pass it,

But my brain decides to reread every word like a life-sentence,

Dwell on misspellings longer than necessary,

And butcher all of the words that takes months to rehearse,

Burn out the quotes that gave me reason to dream about having higher self-esteem,

And alway second guessing the compliments meant for me.

Do I even deserve them?

Do I even deserve this?

Questioning the reasons behind why I'm here right now and at this time,

Writing down my emotions on a piece of paper to feel alive.

I know things will get better,

After all, that's what they always say,

"Just get some help and you'll eventually feel okay,"

Alright, I'll pin that recommendation on my cork board along with the rest,

Tell myself to finally drag me out of this precarious world,

And out of my depressed state to prepare for the test.

Maybe once I get the help they've been wanting me to get,

I won't be any longer my biggest threat.

But the shouts never come out,

It's caged in my esophagus,

Like I'm suddenly put on mute like a phone,

Making my stomach hurt,

And legs go numb.

I'm done.

I'm done feeling worthless,

It's gonna take lots of time but I know it'll be worth it.

I'll try to find help with someone I trust,

Whether it be a counselor or even a bus.

I'll find someone, let all my feelings out.

But until then,

I'll keep my desperate shouts."

- Novice_Key