11th~
Summer: You can walk away!
Yinaya ako ni Lex magkape muna sa Starbucks habang pag uusapan namin ang nakaraan.
"Bakit mo naitanong?" Tanong ko.
Halos di ko magalaw ang frap na niorder niya para sa akin. Masyado akong preoccupied sa nangyari at pwedeng mangyari.
"Your face flashed in my mind. Hindi ko matandaan kung saan yun at kung bakit..."
Napaka-helpless ng mukha niya. Pakiramdam ko, mas makapangyarihan ako sa kanya dahil wala siyang matandaan. Pero ang totoo, mas makapangyarihan siya, kasi kayang niyang basagin ang puso ko samantalang ako, hindi.
"Ano ba ang nangyari? Ano ang ginawa ko?"
Natahimik siya at tinitigan lang ako.
"Can you just tell me where and when did we meet?"
"Ba't kailangan mo pang malaman yun?" Tumaas ang boses niya kaya nabigla ako at nainis.
"I told you, sa Sortee tayo unang nagkita! Last Summer! The summer you can't remember!"
Summer...
Tinitigan niya ako with a hint of disappointment on his face.
"Is that it?"
As much as I want to tell him about us, I just can’t. I want to tell him how much I love him. I want to tell him how much he loved me. But that can’t be. I can’t do that. He can’t be accused of something he thinks he didn’t do, can he? I want him to remember. I want him to realize. I don’t want him to love me because I told him… because the past Lex did. I don’t like that. I want him to love me because the “new” Lex felt the same… because, although his memories were erased, his heart remained the same.
But I just can't.
I'm desperate.
"You... told me you loved me."
Katahimikan.
Tumawa siya ng malakas.
As if it was a joke.
"Paano mangyayari yan? Are you kidding me? you're too young, Summer! Me?"
"I'm nineteen, Lex!"
"Oh I was probably playing with you!"
Halos di ko na makita ang ekspresyon ni Lex nang sinabi niya yun dahil bumuo na ang mga luha sa mga mata ko.
"Yeah right! You probably were playing with me! Ganyan ka pala, Lex?! I was probably fooled!"
Katahimikan.
Tumulo ang luha ko pero pinagmasdan niya lang ako. Aalis na ako! Come on, Summer! Umalis ka na dito! What are you doing here? Pagkatapos niyang sabihin yun, nandyan ka pa? OMG! At umiiyak pa?!
"I'm sorry." Binigyan niya ako ng tissue.
He looked guilty.
"I... I just can't believe it. I can't... remember."
"Alam ko! Ayoko sanang sabihin sa'yo yun! Gusto kong maalala mo na lang! Pero Lex, I'm so desperate! I can't hold this anymore! I love you! Please remember me!"
Tumayo siya at lumapit sa akin para mayakap ako.
"I'm so, so sorry."
Bakit siya nag so-sorry?
Yinakap niya ako. Hindi ko maintindihan kung malamig ba o mainit ang yakap niya. Malamig dahil wala siyang maalala, mainit dahil sa loob ng puso niya, hindi niya alam na mahal niya ako.
"I know! You're sorry! I'm sorry for myself, too! Sorry kasi wala kang maalala, sorry kasi nasasaktan ako nang di mo man lang malaman kung bakit! I know, you think I'm lying?! You think I made up this whole thing, but I was not! I wish I was making this all up, Lex! You can walk away!"
Hindi siya gumalaw, yinakap niya lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung ano na ang iniisip ng mga tao sa paligid.
"You can walk away! Leave me alone!"
Kinalas niya ang yakap niya.
"Let's go home." Sabi niya.
Kung ikaw na lang kaya ang umalis? Ba't isasama niya pa ako? I was letting him go! Pagkatapos kong sabihin lahat ng yun, malaya na siya sa akin! Pero bakit siya ganyan?
Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit nang papunta kami sa sasakyan niya, kinabahan ako. For the first time after that accident, I'll be riding with him again! Masyado akong kinakabahan!
Nasa loob kami ng sasakyan nang dinig na dinig ko ang bawat pintig ng puso ko. Mabilis. Malakas. Halos lumabas na sa dibdib ko. Hindi parin humuhupa ang luha ko. Siya naman, tahimik at di ko alam kung kailan kami aalis sa parking lot ng Starbucks.
"Even the way you say my name gives me chills." Sabi niya.
Hinawakan niya ang kamay ko.
"I feel as if I know you. My eyes, my ears, my arms, some part of me knows you. That's why I couldn't walk away. I'm trying to understand that you are suffering, but I am suffering too. So will you let me stay by your side?"
