average life for the maple leafs

c(un)happy 9: playoffs

April 12, Boston, Massachusetts
10:39PM

Game 1 of the 2018 playoffs

   Leo Komarov sat in the corner of the common area of the tour bus and hid his face in a pillow. The saliva of Brad Marchand still stung his face and neck. This wasn't the first time he had kissed him, either. No, the days of the Rat trying to pass on the Bubonic Plague to him go back to November 2017.
Why does he do dis to me? he thought as he furrowed his brows in thought. And only me? He looked up from the pillow. Mitch was on the other couch practically ripping out his hair, and Freddy gulped down a shot of whiskey at the table.
At least I am not de only one to have rough night, he thought. I know I am de "instigator" and all, but... He... Leo wiped his face.
   "Licked me," he said out loud. He jumped up and walked over to the fridge.
   Nazem, who was now suspended for three games for a dirty hit, put on a coat and socks, and Mitch noticed.
   "Where you goin, Naz?" he asked through sniffles. Nazem, without looking, pulled a small bag out of his coat pocket and flashed it at him, then quickly stuffed it back in the pocket. Mitch's eyes widened.
   "What the hell? Can I... —he looked around—Can I come too?"
   Naz looked at him with an eyebrow raised.
   "Sure, when you can grow a beard," he replied. Mitch frowned with half lidded eyes.
"C'mon, I have some too," he whispered.
"We can all hear you," Freddy shouted from the table.
"Shut up, glass wall," Mitch replied. Auston walked out of the bathroom with a look of aggravation on his face.
"Why are you guys yelling? Will, Kap, Travis, and Tyler are sleeping in the other room," Auston said, softly.
"Well shit, they can come too. I can share," Mitch said. He looked at Nazem with pleading puppy-dog eyes and puckered out his bottom lip. Naz looked at him as though he was an overripe banana on the hood of his car.
"Can't you just go smoke by yourself?" he said. Mitch's face turned red.
"I don't... I don't know how to roll them," he said reluctantly. Auston burst out laughing.
"Oh, shut up!" Mitch snarled as he punched a hysterical Auston's arm. Kappy walked out into the room, rubbing his eyes.
"What's going on?" he said, sweet as an angel.
Mitch, Nazem, Auston, and Freddy looked at each other.
"Uhhh..."
"We're gonna go out and smoke weed!" Mitch said, proudly. Nazem punched him.
"Owwwuh! What the hell?!"
"I am going to! Not any of you guys! I don't want to smoke with you guys. Just leave me alone."
   "Naz, you're not the only one to have a shitty night," Auston said. "We all lost."
   "Yeah, well I might be suspended for a hit I didn't mean to do," he said, angrily. "I just need to chill out without other peop—"
   "So we can come with you! Yay!" Mitch interrupted, not even bothering to listen. Nazem just stopped stared at him for a moment.
   "Ya know what? Fuck it. Come on, all of you. Hell, invite Will too! Who cares?" he said as he put his shoes on. "Ay, Willy! C'mon with us, we're going out!" he yelled.
   Will groaned from the other room and walked out to the main room. 
   "Where are we going?" he said, glancing at Kappy and turning a bit red.
   "We're just... —he quoted with his fingers— 'going out'," Mitch said, winking.
   "Drugs?" Willy asked, blatantly. He answered himself. "Yeah sure, let me get a shirt on. One second."
   They all waited in unanimous silence as Willy got his shirt on and then stared at him when he walked back in.
   "What the hell are you wearing?"
   Wearing a vibrant, rainbow tie-dye shirt and a pair of circle mirror-lens glasses, Will shrugged and smiled warmly.
   "Ya gotta get into the mood!" he explained, flailing his arms around to express his feelings. Kappy giggled.
   "Yeah, I get it!" Auston laughed, casually.
   "C'mon though, it's cold," Freddy said. "You guys should just stay in here."
"Yeah, and smoke out the bus?" Nazem asked.
"Just open the windows and doors afterwards," Freddy replied. The boys looked at each other and shrugged. "Sooo? Roll 'em up! For you. I don't do drugs."

-20 minutes later-

   "Auston, I'm hungry," Mitch said. Auston sarcastically gestured to him the fridge with his hand.
   "But I can't! There's a dragon guarding it," Mitch replied, whispering. "He wants me to fight him."
   "That's a gnome you fuckin' idiot," Nazem interjected.
   "Either way!" Will said as he lowered his glasses, his voice also low. "You need to fight it. I'll forge a sword for you to kill it with."
   "Thank you, Willy," Mitch said.

   A couple of minutes later, Will walked out of the bedroom and gave Mitch a golf club with a box of spaghetti taped onto the end.
   "Thank you, Will Black-smith," Mitch said, giggling at the pun he made.
   "Of course. For the greater good," Will replied. "The box of pasta is bonus points. If you kill it by breaking the box, then you get like, ten points. Now go!"

   "Hey Freddy, did you finish the milk? I can't find it," Travis said, looking in the cabinet. He turned around to a box of uncooked Angel's Hair being unleashed on his face. "AHH MY EYES! Mitch, what the fuck?!" Then came the club.
   "DIE, DRAGON-GNOME!" Mitch screeched as he continued beating him with the golf club. Freddy took another swig of the whiskey bottle and walked over to spectate.
   "FREDDY! HELP ME!" Travis said as Mitch pig-piled on him.
   Freddy just sniffed and walked off, right into an ambush by Kappy and Will, who were armed with old loaves of bread.
   Leo walked back into the common room to the chaotic sight.
   "Oh," he said as Travis screamed at him to save himself. "Where's Auston and Naz?" Mitch stopped beating Travis.
   "They're in Fort Necessity," he answered as he pointed to the blanket fort between couches, then he continued.
   "Thanks," Leo replied and walked back into the bedroom.

   Meanwhile, in Fort Necessity, Nazem and Auston were devising a military plan to capture the best Bruins players and hold them hostage.
   "Bergeron, Rat, Pasta, and Big Ugly Scary Man are too big of a threat to the sanctity of this team," Auston declared. "We must destroy them or return them at a price."
   "Yes, of course. But how?" Nazem pondered. They both stopped pacing around the blanket fort and thought.
   "If we capture them in their homes, they won't even see it coming," Auston brainstormed. "Then we keep them in a secluded place in the woods of upstate New York, and anonymously send a ransom letter to their head coach for 30 million dollars."
   "And if they don't pay it, we will...?"
   "Make then wear masks everywhere and make them publicly embarrass themselves for rations of food," Auston finished.
   "Yes, yes... Brad will be Toilet Paper Man, Pasta will be..." Nazem paused for a second. "Yo I'm really fuckin' hungry."
   "Me too," Auston said.
   They crawled out of the fort.
   The boys were all unconscious, and Travis and Mitch were both bleeding. Connor Brown was looking down at them all, inspecting them with tears in his eyes.
   "YOU DID THIS!" Nazem yelled.
   "Wait! No! I can explain!—AHH!"
   Nazem pounced on him and put him in a headlock. Auston came forth giggling.
   "Tickle torture."