average life for the maple leafs

chappy 1

Feb. 5th, Toronto, Ontario
11:54P.M.

   "Dammit, Auston, I was saving those Cheetos for the trip back from Tim Horton's," Mitch Marner scoffed.
   "Yeah, *burp* well sucks for you 'cos I drank your Mountain Dew too," he replied.
   "Really?! Like you need it, fatty," Mitch responded as he threw the empty can at Auston Matthews, who was sprawled out on the tour bus' couch.
   He laughed.
   "You really do need it, twiggy. At least I'm always on the first line."
  "Are you kidding me? I scored tonight!"
"You do know that me and Willy scored twice, right?" Auston replied, less than apathetically. Mitch got frustrated.
"And, I don't suck ass at easy shit like staring contests."
   "That's not my faul—"
   "Guys, guys! Shh!" Patrick Marleau interrupted. "Freddy's sleeping."
   Mitch and Auston looked at each other.
   "Okay, Dad," they both said in unison.

   A few minutes later, William Nylander ran into the room with a terrified look on his face.
Must be the long term effect of smelling salts, Auston thought.
"ZACH'S STILL MISSING," he exclaimed. To his surprise, no one looked concerned, or even moved.
"C'mon guys," he said, trying to pull Auston off the couch. "We need to find him!"
Nazem Kadri, who was looking for a jar of pickles in the fridge, eyed him and answered. "He's probably just drawing some shitty picture for his book, and I know 'cause he's making another one by April. You should know how he is by now, he tells us everyday."
"He's not in his studio," Willy replied. "I just checked."
Everyone in the room let out a concerned, "Oh, shit," in unison—even Connor Brown, who was stuffed into one of the cabinets under the counter.
"I think we really do need to find him then," Patrick said. "He's on our first line..."
"Wait!" Mitch said. "You guys have m—"
Before Mitch could justify himself as a replacement, the other Leafs ran out of the bus and off to find Zach Hyman.

The boys ran back into the arena to hear the echo of Zach screaming from the locker room.
"GET AN AMBULANCE!" Zach pleaded. "I'M BEING ATTACKED!"
"WE'RE COMING FOR YOU, ZACHY! HOLD ON!" Willy yelled.
They tried the door. It was locked. The sound of evil, sadistic laughter rose inside the room.
Patrick, Willy, Mitch, and Auston looked at each other.
"On three, we break the door down," Auston said. "One, two..."
"Wait! Where's Naz?" Mitch asked.
"Oh no..." Willy dropped to his knees. "They have him too..."
"This is really concerning me! Let's just get this door open! I can't bear this much worry!" Patrick said.
"Three!" Auston yelled, and they all busted down the locker room doors.
"WE'LL SAVE Y— the boys looked down—Zach?"
Little kids, five of them, were piled up on top of Zach in the middle of the locker room's floor. Other adults wearing Hyman jerseys stood around, taking pictures. Tears flowed down his face from laughing.
Willy gasped and started bawling.
"They've already consumed Naz... We couldn't save him... BUT WE'LL SAVE YOU, ZACHY!"
"WAIT!"
Immediately, William Nylander just fucking steamrolled the five kids climbing on Zach with a tackle.
"I'LL AVENGE NAZEM WITH EVERYTHING IN MY POWER!" he said, raising a white-knuckled fist into the air.
Auston dove onto Will, pushing him off the little boy he was about to beat the shit out of.
Zach scurried to care for the children that Will knocked off of him and cradled them, then looked at Will with tears in his eyes.
"How could you do this?!" He looked down to the kids. "Shhh... It'll be alright..."
Everyone else in the locker room looked at Will.
"I have to call my mom, I think," he said, got up, and sprinted down the hall and out of the building.
   Mitch looked around and was the first to speak.
   "What the hell—Zach frowned— are you doing, eh? We were waiting for you to get on the bus so we can all stop by Tim Horton's."
   "Taking pictures with these mini-fans, of course! Aren't they just so adorable?" Zach replied as he looked down to the kids who were no longer crying. "They'll all get free books in April," he whispered.
An awkward silence filled the room.
   After a moment, Auston looked around. "...But for real, where did Naz go?"

   "Ay, Freddy, do you know where the pickles went?"
   "Yeah, they're in the cupboard next to the one you stuffed Connor into, I think. You know where that Playboy magazine you had earlier went? I could really use a good—"
   The tour bus' doors slammed open and a wild-eyed Willy Nylander rushed in.
   "STEP ON IT, BUS DRIVER!" he shouted, not bothering to look at who the driver was.
   "Man, my name's Josh Leivo..."
   Everyone stopped.
   "Who even invited you?" Freddy asked. "Get out." He turned to Will as Josh reluctantly exited the bus. "I'll drive. Where to?"
"JUST, AWAY. NOW!" Willy yelled. Sweat poured down his face as he violently stuffed a handful of Swedish fish down his throat.
"They're gonna kill me..." he said through chews as Freddy sped down the highway.
"What'd you even do?" Nazem asked. "And why're we leaving the other guys behind?!"
"WAIT, YOU'RE ALIVE!!" As soon as he noticed Nazem standing right beside him, Willy immediately pushed him into the wall with a hug. The door to the other room opened.
"Hey guys, what's all the ruckus about?" Matt Martin asked as he walked out, rubbing his eyes. He opened his eyes to Willy passionately kissing Nazem and Freddy recording it from the driver's seat.
"Oh," Matt said as he took a step back. "I think I'm gonna go back..."
"WAIT, I CAN EXPLAIN!" Before Nazem could come up with an explanation, Matt had already closed the door and locked it. Nazem glared at the man embracing him.
"GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME, WILL!"
Freddy was crying from laughing.
"Thank you, Naz. I just... I'm so happy you're alive," Willy said.
"What are you talking about?!" Nazem asked.
"The kids! The ones attacking Zach! I thought they ate you!"
Freddy and Nazem looked at each other with confused faces.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Connor asked from the cabinet.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, REDHEAD," Willy and Nazem retorted.
"Excuse me?" Freddy asked.
   "You can't just go around tackling children!" Nazem exclaimed to Will before Freddy could start an argument.
   "You wanna bet?" Will retorted.
   "Come at me!"
   Just as Will tackled Nazem onto the couch, Matt walked back out of the room.
   "Oh," he said, and promptly turned back around and walked back into the room.
   "Great job, Will, now Matt thinks we're gay," Nazem scolded.
   "Who said I'm not?"
   An awkward silence flooded the room.
   "Get off of me."

...

   "Where the hell did the bus go?"