Not quite living

A Number, A Girlfriend, A Friend

In middle school and high school Rowen was always the person I talked to.

He was the only one that knew my fears. The real ones, more than just my fear of falling. He knew the reason I fear falling.

He knew I'm anorexic before I was even thinking about trying to tell my family.

He knew how deep my depression was and he understood because he had been just as depressed so he knew what to say. He knew how to react. He knew how to comfort. And he knew the line between comforting me and going too far.

Rowen is the person I'm constantly saying "I wish I had a friend that..." about and I haven't realized it until now.

It's been years since I've talked to him.

Is it crazy that I'm thinking about texting him as if we've been talking this entire time and nothing ever happened.

He's one of the only friends that there's at least a little bit of a story or reason as to why we don't talk anymore.

I wish I still had something to remember Rowen by. Like a necklace or a letter or a drawing or a picture. But all I had were texts. I still have them technically. If I can find the phone they're on. I'm still hopeful that I can find it.

The thing that I'll never forget about him, though, is a text he sent me when we were talking about how I think I'm irrelevant to everyone around me and no one will remember me in ten years.

I sent him a text that said something like "In like ten years, when our friends are looking back at their yearbooks, I'm just gonna be another face in the book."

He sent me this:

"That and a number in my phone. An ex-girlfriend. And a friend."

I fell asleep during this conversation so that text was what I saw when I woke up. It made me smile.

Rowen gave me happiness when he wasn't even trying. He wasn't trying to make me happy, he was trying to show me that I'm important.

I wish I could look back on that conversation right now. And just anytime I need.

Rowen is the friend I've always wanted and I said I'd cherish and keep close, but I didn't. He has friends that are better than me. That've stuck around through high school.

I think I'm gonna text him like I've been thinking about. I hope I don't get a response of "who is this" if I do I'll say "sorry wrong number" and leave him alone. I'm hoping I get a "it's been a while" just like he use to send.