Crossfire

"I Don't Feel Left Out-Alone In This World"

Arthur

When I counted up all the knights, I smiled, giving a happy breath, knowing my job was done. Everything was in order, on time, no errors made. But then I looked at Merlin. The man seemed unsteady. I thought back to last night to when he had cried in my arms. Seeing Merlin in that state had sprung tears in my eyes. I would never want to see Merlin cry if it meant the end of the world. A shocking sense of comfort came with that moment too, though. I got a chance to feel his warmth, for him to be in my arms, me watching him slowly lull himself to sleep. Smiling at the memory, I let my eyes rest on Merlin. We were riding back to Hunith's house, collecting Balinor.
"So Balinor was in the house when you and Merlin found him?" Elyan asked.
My thoughts were dragged back to the present, as I broke my stare with Merlin, answering my knight's question. "Yes, although I'm not sure why. I heard there were rumors of magic despised in this village, though. Hunith is a caring person. I wouldn't expect anyone but her that would let someone like Balinor in."
"Our King puts on a calculating stance," Kylan began. "But underneath both we and our people know that he is very kind and sympathetic."
Hearing a soft sigh escape Merlin after Kylan's comment, I looked over to him, seeing frustration wipe across his features. I now understood: Merlin was having an internal conflict with himself. And he couldn't resolve it. He had built up anger and obstruction that he couldn't release. So he had cried—he let the dam break. Merlin didn't want to feel those underlying emotions boil under his skin.
I broke my stance, looking to ground, reminding myself of something assuring. I can't dwell on things like this during a mission.

Merlin

After picking up Balinor, we all began to travel back to their kingdom. The path was worn down, the expedition tedious; but we managed to find a small clearing in the woods, deciding to settle down for the night.
Finding my way to a nearby tree, I let my back glide along it, as my body then hit the ground. I sat there, letting my thoughts drift. Every so often I would hear the conversations the knights shared flow in and out of my consciousness. Letting my eyes drift to Arthur, I evaluated him, seeing what his emotions had to say. No doubt he has had the same experience of frustration and anger like I'm having. He gave a chuckle from a knight's comment, his eyes glistening in the light of the fire, a breathtaking smile breaking out onto his face. I scrunched my brows. Sometimes I would feel certain emotions towards Arthur. What they were, I wasn't sure; but after a while I realized I would crave them.
"Hey, who's up for one?" Gwaine suddenly asked, bringing out a couple flasks of what seemed to be mead.
"Where did you get that, Gwaine?" Percival questioned. Gwaine just smirked, popping off the small cork, taking a sip. "Anyone?" He stuck out the bottle after he finished his sip. Nobody replied.
Giving a sigh, I stood up, trudging over to the rest of the group. "Hand it over." After glancing at the shocked knights' faces, I gave a small roll of the eyes, then chugging the rest of the bottle. Finishing the last of the drops, I swallowed, releasing the bottle from my mouth, letting it dangle in my loose grip. I closed my eyes. Letting the feelings seep through, they began to blur, fading from reality. I'm glad I had something to relieve my thoughts with.
"Wow, Merlin! Didn't expect you to be so daring!" Gwaine laughed. "You downed the whole thing!" Intrigued, he then traveled back to the horse, grabbing several more bottles. "Another?"
After a moment of hesitation, I nodded, handling the bottle Gwaine had tossed to me. I was aware of the look my father was staring me down with.
Damn the consequences.
Arthur just laughed, watching as I traveled back to my spot against the tree. "He misses the tavern, I bet."
Upon the confused knights faces, Arthur retaliated; "he spends his days off in the tavern."
Leon shook his head. "Uh, no sire, I don't believe so. Every time we all travel to the tavern, we never spot Merlin. We even asked one of the regulars when searching for him once. The man claimed that he had never seen Merlin go."
I quickly look away when I saw Arthur look up to see my eyes. I couldn't bare to look at him at the moment. I couldn't think straight; and that wasn't just from the mead. I coughed a little from the taste of the drink, deciding to chug a little more down, letting the substance dribble in my mouth and down my throat. My eyes eventually met Balinor's. I drunkenly raised an eyebrow to him, daring him to make a comment, as he then softly shook his head, his eyes holding rejection. Looking down to my bottle, I examined it with lazy movements, realizing how blurry my vision had became. I wasn't rational—I shouldn't be doing anything right now that I might later regret. So I laid down, my head resting softly against the tree, staring at the sky. The atmosphere was blocked by grey clouds that had recently protruded. It was going to rain sometime soon.
After a half hour passed, everyone began to prepare for sleep, setting down onto the ground, thin blankets now tightly wrapped around them. Once I thought all were asleep, I let go of all feeling. Waves of different emotions crashed into me, as I couldn't help but let a tear escape, silently dripping down my cheek, then falling into the soft grass beneath me.
"Hey," a voice suddenly said. Quickly wiping my face, I moved my head towards the voice, seeing that it was Arthur.
"What are you doing still up, Arthur?" I questioned.
He gave a quick, tight smile before answering. "I just came to see how you are doing." He then took a seat beside me. Laying his head against the grass, he said, "I promised myself I would get answers out of you later this morning." Arthur paused, staring at the blocked sky with me. "So what's going on? It's obvious you're frustrated with something."
My eyes dropped from the sky, meeting Arthur's, who's was just staring into mine with sincere concern. He waited for a reply. I couldn't get away this time.
Looking down, I began. "I-it's complicated to explain." Sighing, I continued. "I just feel trapped. I constantly have these emotions that I can't do anything with—just push them down and hope for the best." I gazed to Arthur. "I'm sure you've experienced something similar."
He slowly nodded. "Of course. Haven't we all?" He then shifted, leaning closer to me. "Hand me the bottle."
"What?"
"Give me the flask. I wanna drink."
Lethargically handing it to him, I watched as he finished the bottle, the cork long forgotten in the grass. He sighed after his last drop, then dropping the bottle, cracking his knuckles and neck. "I forgot how refreshing that can be sometimes. To let go of all emotions."
"Yeah," was all I replied with.
"So you've never been to the tavern?" Arthur asked, the mead now taking a toll on him.
I chuckled at his tone, shifting to get comfortable in my position, before answering. "No, this is the first time I've drank anything." My eyes scanned over Arthur's face. His reaction was filled with surprise. Giving a soft laugh, I looked at the sky again, watching as the clouds slowly passed by.
"What's your predicament?"
I scrunched my eyebrows. I couldn't exactly tell him of my newfound title.
"You can trust me, Merlin. I know you do."
I exhaled a breath. Was there another problem?
"I'm here, Merlin. Don't let these problems bury your heart."
Yes, there was another problem. My eyes were full blown, looking in Arthur's eyes for any emotion. I detected something—concern and sincerity were clear, but there was something else. Something I couldn't yet pick up on.
"Alright," I said. "I have profound feelings about someone."
He clenched his jaw, his eyebrows knitting together, as he leaned closer. "What do you mean by that?"
"I-I'm not sure. I feel free around them. Like I can be myself—no mask required."
"Do you love this person?"
"No. It's just that whenever I look at that person, I feel warm. Like they are my comfort zone. Something I can grasp onto and don't have to let go. And then they're always there to comfort me when I'm at my lowest. They assure me of happiness, so I don't feel left out—alone in this world." There's a buzzing in my ears, my heart moving against my chest, the hands of mine now clamored with sweat. A sudden realization hit me. "Yes," I quietly said, switching my answer. "I love them. I wouldn't survive without that person."
I shouldn't be saying this. I'm drunk. Afterall, I can't actually be saying this. But it's the truth; all of it.
I love him.
Quickly scooting down, my face met the ground, the soft grass acting as a blanket for my current state. "Goodnight, Arthur," I whispered.
"Goodnight, Merlin. I hope you solve whatever your problem is." Arthur then began to stand up, before I stopped him, mumbling a wait.
"Yes?"
"Can you stay here with me, please?"
The cracking of saliva was heard, myself knowing that Arthur was now smiling.
"Of course," his answer came.
Then feeling a thin, but soft blanket wrap around me, Arthur scooted in, facing the opposite side from me, as we both faced towards openness, letting sleep guide us.
Not before, though, I internally choked, letting the thoughts drown me.
I love Arthur Pendragon.

A/N: There y'all go! It's been confirmed! I can practically hear y'all shouting "kISS" right now! Haha—anyway, if y'all enjoyed this chapter please drop a vote or comment! It really helps me out to let me know if I should continue the story! Thank y'all so much for reading this story! Bye!