Crossfire

"I Can't Function Any Other Way"

Merlin

The funeral was short. It was quiet—organized.
The only thing that was disarranged as me. My mind was in the crossfire, thoughts racing back and forth. At first I was tempted to not go—just lie in bed and stare at the ceiling with unshed tears, not moving a muscle—making a word. I just wanted it all to end.
Was happiness too much to ask for?
When the knights had called me, they were distraught by my appearance. Ever since the journey back from Camelot, they sensed that my state of health was poor, to say the least. Ofcourse we had a funeral there too, but I didn't speak. That was alright, though. I didn't think I'd have the ability to do so at the time. Several weeks have passed, and I didn't feel any different now from when I saw his closed eyes.
My eyes trailed up slowly to meet their presences. The knights didn't speak a sentence—just decided to drag me to the courtyard, and make me watch as the funeral then took place.
When I went up to speak, my speech wasn't personal, wasn't perfectly structured, wasn't even written down. I just stared at the blank paper I had brought with me. Supposedly the citizens were expecting a grand speech. A tour through his prideful characteristics, and good deeds that made him what he was. Was.
What they weren't expecting was an apology.
Chewing mindlessly on my lip, I readjusted the crinkled paper in my hands, squinting my eyes, my mouth straining to speak. "I'm sorry. I couldn't save you, I..." Trailing off, I let out a short breath. The people were surprised, to say the least. I was too. My mind was expecting to be finished with the countdown, my bottled emotions bursting out, the cork finally popping off.
But I didn't feel any of that.
My body was trembling, but my mind was hazy. Everything was distant to me. I felt emotionless.
"I knew you deserved the truth," I spoke aloud, continuing. "My duty was to protect you, and I failed." I stared at the blank page for another moment, thinking of a proper conclusion. Out of surprise, a small smile swept across my face. "You forgave me."
You forgave me.
Quickly darting my eyes up, I let them scan across the crowd. "Thank you, and good day. My deepest condolences to the man I cared for most." Before the knights could stride into my reach, I already left, keeping my distance from everyone far.

__________________

My mind sought for something. Anything.
Could I replenish after such an accident?
But it wasn't an accident. Maybe in my part, but Arthur and I both knew well that Morgana intended bad things. My heart wrenched. Even the thought of his name brought severely harsh feelings. Subconsciously wiping my eye, I breathed a sigh. I've been doing that a lot lately.
"I can't leave them," I mumbled solemnly. "But I can't leave you either." My fingers fiddled with the expensive material on my bed. I had always craved the royal life. The treatment you were given was beyond thought. I closed my eyes. After a while I've realized that it's not as nice as I imagined, though. The constant bustling of people, the training, the paperwork. It was honestly overwhelming. My mind traveled back to my old chambers, helping Gaius brew potions and remedies. I'm sure he misses me.
A moment passed, my mind flipping through the memories like a slideshow. Everything was silent—dead silent.
Then, out of motion, my eyes suddenly widened, body now trembling with shock. Everything suddenly clicked. Before I could comprehend anything, my feet were guiding me to the door, as I then sprinted. I avoided the servants on the way to my destination, dodging in and out of people's ways. Finally reaching the door, I let my breath catch up with the rest of me, putting one hand on the doorknob, ready to slam the door open.
I then burst in the room, staring the physician down. "I have a request."
Stopping from his work, he stood from the chair he was formerly sitting on, hearing a squeak emit from it as his feet faced gravity. "What of, Milord?"
Letting a grimace slide onto my face for a short second, I then continued, deciding to ignore his title placed on me. "A potion. Specifically for memory loss."
The physician's eyebrows shot up, surprised. "And what will you use this remedy for, if I may ask?" His feet dragged him to the other side of the room, calloused hands gingerly picking at the herbs from the wall.
I bit my tongue before answering. "For myself. I intend to forget certain memories."
If the man wasn't fully focused on me, he was now. His eyes pierced through mine, then soon inferring why I had chosen to do this task. "My condolences to Prince Arthur, Milord-"
"I need the potion soon," I cut off, letting the words dribble from my mouth. My pupils dilated, heaving a soft breath for reassurance. "Please."
The physician seemed to know what type of memory loss this will be. His eyes darted back to his work, letting his hands reach to the pestal, beginning to grind an assortment of herbs in a wooden bowl. I let my mind ponder, my train of thought fuzzy—watching the mesmerizing motions of the pestal.
"It will be finished by early tomorrow, sire," the man commented, realizing I was still in sight.
Thanking him, I quickly left the room, avoiding the sudden stares everyone in the castle halls had to give.

_________________

I stared at the vial. The orange tint it gave off made it have the appearance of honey. I let my hand shake the tube absentmindedly, listening to the sloshing noises it had to give.
Suddenly, my ears detected the loud noise of a door opening. "Milord!" Kylan shouted, stomping over with concern and frustration. He paused when seeing me with the vial in hand. His eyes slowly traveled up to mine, starting to talk, forgetting my title. "Merlin, what are you doing?" He said it cautiously—as if I was teetering over the edge.
"I'm forgetting him," I replied nonchalantly as possible. The truth was, I was terrified. I'm not sure what will happen when I down it. I internally sighed. There's no other possible way for me to be genuinely happy once again.
His lips were on mine. They were moving with passion. We were in an ongoing rhythm—one that the end of the world couldn't faze. My hands gripped his hair with want, then clawing at his skin, desperate for more.
I wanted him here.
I wanted to feel his hand grasp mine once again.
My mind flew back to the present. Softly fluttering my eyes beside me, the former imaginary warmth that cascaded throughout my hand vanished, as my pupils dilated upon staring at the invisible space in front of me.
"Merlin?" Kylan mumbled, taking a step forward, eyeing the vial in my hand with concern.
"He's gone," I said plainly.
He gave a tight smile in my peripheral vision, pacing ever so slowly closer to me. "Yes; but is this what he would want? Would Arthur want you to forget him?"
My throat bobbed with dry air. "He would want me to be happy."
"Alright. How would you achieve that?"
"By forgetting him."
Kylan's fists clenched, mouth opening, but didn't say a word. He was speechless.
"You don't understand," I started in reply. "I can't live without him." My lips gave a humorless smile. "But I have a kingdom to run. I can't abandon them either." Biting my lip, I looked to the ceiling for a moment for silent guidance. Something to reassure me.
But I knew nothing would come. And nothing did.
"This is the only way I can go," my voice came in a solemn tone.
"I love you," Arthur mumbled, his breath tickling the small hairs on my neck. He rested his head there, holding me, the two of us just standing there, enjoying eachother's company.
"I love you too," I replied, mouth dry upon his confession. My mind allowed me to trust him; and he trusted me back.
Looking into Kylan's eyes, I saw the images flicker through my mind. The memories were surging at a speed unimaginably fast, my mind trying to sift through all of the moments I had created over the years. That was all going to be lost. Everything I had ever known and done with Arthur. All of that wouldn't matter—would not be a reality. It would be destroyed from existence.
"I can't function any other way," I croaked, voice strained from the thought about forgetting Arthur.
Kylan just gazed to the floor, giving a slight nod, mumbling an ofcourse, sire.
Exhaling, I turned to stare into the vial, looking at the mixture, weary thoughts entering my mind. I shook my head. I needed to do this.
I thought I would never be cared for.
I found Arthur.
I thought I would never be loved by another.
I found Arthur.
I thought my existence wouldn't matter—nothing would be seen as my accomplishment in another's eyes.
Arthur gave me credit.
Arthur gave me everything I had ever wanted. And I was going to throw that away?
My mind tried to avoid the thought of him, but my heart thumped wildly, blood running thick from trying to deny the image of Arthur.
He wanted me to be happy. To move on. Right?
I squinted my eyes at the vial, shaking it a little, watching mindlessly as multiple bubbles floated to the top, before silently popping.
"It would be nice... to forget everything." Arthur turned to face me. "Right? Just have a blank slate. A chance to start over and change fate." I internally nodded at his comment. 'A time to start something new—live the life you've always wanted to live.'
Sighing, I nodded. Yes, he wanted me to be happy.
It's going to be okay.
Because subconsciously, I know he would always be there, even if I forgot his face or name.
A small smile graced my face.
"Bottoms up," I then said, downing the potion.
I didn't even feel the emotional pain drift away.

A/N: HELLO EVERYBODY! First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for reading this story! For all of the people who voted and commented, thank you so much for the support throughout the story! It means a great deal to me! This was my first fanfiction, and I wasn't expecting the overwhelming amount of support, considering I'm not experienced in these type of things! *Cue laugh track*
If you enjoyed this story, please leave a vote or comment! I'd love the support!
Thank y'all so much again, bye!
Total Word Count: 32,673