My Fiance is a Ghost

Chapter 6

                                                    May 1st, 2011

               I hugged Colin's parents goodbye as they left the grave site and turned back to the tombstone.

                                    "August 17, 1988- May 1st, 2010"

                                        "Colin Matthew Grayheart"

                                     "Loving Son and Friend to All"

      I wiped away a couple of tears and let out a sigh, "I wish you were still here" I whispered. I reached out and touched the stone, saying my final goodbye. I drove back into town, trying to not feel all the emotions I was holding back. Today marked a year after his passing.

    I pulled into the parking lot of our local starbucks and rested my head on the wheel, "Get a hold of yourself" I angrily told myself. When I went in I waited in line and then whenever it was my turn the waitress spoke to me, "Hello, how can I help you?" her overly cheery voice quiped at me. "I'd like a Venti Caramel Latte please, skim milk and extra caramel" I replied getting my wallet out of my purse. When I bent down I saw a figure beside me. I snapped my eyes up and a gasp escaped my lips. It was Colin... but then I blinked and he was no longer there. My mind couldn't register, crazy people see things like this right? The barista's voice brought my focus back in, "Ma'am?"  I apologized and turned back to her, I handed her a 5 dollar bill, got my change, and waited for my order. I was shaken. He was there clear as day, the same outfit he was wearing when he died. I tried to push it from my mind but my heart was speeding. I looked down at my Latte, my head felt light and I blinked a few times trying to focus.

      My neck was touching something cold and I could make out faces that were looming over me. I felt a shearing pain on my arm and I tried to talk but it came out hoarsly, "Whats happening?"  And I heard a man's voice tell me to just rest, they would help me. I closed my eyes and groaned.

      Two hours later I am lying in bed at the hospital, hooked up to some fluids and my mother's worried face focused on me. "Honey, I am so worried about you" she said quitely. "I am sorry mom, I didn't mean to scare you" I replied trying to contain myself. The doctors said I passed out because I was very dehydrated and they noted to my mother that I also was missing a lot of nutrients. "Annika, you have to keep yourself healthy" she lectured me and I just nodded. The truth is, I hadn't been eating a lot in the last few months, I go through spurts were sometimes I am doing pretty good and then something brings me back and I repeat all over again. I went through my closet last week and had to discard half of it because I went from a size 6 to a size 4. I swore to my mom it isn't something I intentionally do, I just don't really pay attention to my everyday life. I couldn't even tell you what happened yesterday to be honest. My mom rubbed my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look, "I remembered that today marks Colin's passing away. You aren't fooling anyone. You aren't okay and I wish I could take away that pain for you."  While she spoke to me, tears filled up in her eyes and they sprung to mine too. They rolled down my cheeks and I bite my tongue. I hated crying in front of people even my mom. "Mom I feel crazy" I sobbed, "I swore I saw Colin today, clear as day BUT I know it is all in my head. I just feel lost and like I am going mental." My mom stood up and swooped down to give me a hug. She squeezed me, "No honey. You may feel lost now but you won't feel lost forever, I promise it gets better". My mom knew very close to what I was going through. She continued, "I swore I would see your father all the time or I would hear him laughing like he did when he watched Seinfield. Some mornings I woke up feeling a presence beside me. I believe that our souls are still connected even though we are in two different places" she said smiling. Having this talk actually did make me feel better and knowing I wasn't alone in this journey helped a little bit.

       I tried getting back on my feet after that day. I had taken a break from school last year so I decided to go back in the fall but I spent most of the summer picking up odds and end jobs until then. During that summer I reconnected with mom and sister. My sister finally dumped her girlfriend and was riding solo for a while. I would often go to bars with her and laugh as men would hit on her only to find out they would never have a chance. My mom was much simplier, we would hang out for lunch together or I would tag along for her yoga class. It made me realize how much I missed going out and doing things. I spent a whole year doing absolutely nothing, and I kinda regretted that. When school started I was able to busy myself with that. I put all my effort into my schoolwork and time was healing that wound I had picked so much at. It wasn't that I was forgetting Colin but I was learning to let go...that is until December 15th.