Living with depression and anorexia

Monday, 26th March / Mental breakdown

01:13 am

I didn't write for a couple of days, I was at my mom's, didn't find the time to.

I feel like shit right now, I'm hot and cold at the same time, I have cramps everywhere and I'm not even on my period, my head hurts, I can't relax, I want to throw up so bad but I didn't do it for almost 5 days and I want to keep going but I don't know if I will be able to.
Oh god I want this to stop so bad.

I didn't take my pills today either, I didn't want to, I don't like them, I don't like how they make me feel. The only thing they do is prevent me from crying, which really isn't enough. I feel like the dude in "Get out" when he was under hypnosis, like my real personality is hidden somewhere while my meds and depression are fighting on the top. I'm so tired of all of this.
I want this to stop.
It's enough.
I don't want to lose weight.
I don't need to lose weight.
I need to eat, I need to go to school, I need to have fun and I can't and it's making me crazy.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

13:00 pm

I have calmed down haha.
Yeah I tend to be dramatic, I did really feel awful though, but my boyfriend called and stayed on the phone until I felt better, I'm so lucky to have someone to take care of me.

This morning I still feel like throwing up, I almost did without even thinking about it, but I stopped myself. I never thought that not throwing up would be so damn hard.

To be honest, when I was like 17 I tried to make myself throw up, so that my mom would be worried about me and leave me alone, but I couldn't because I just loved food so much, so yeah I never thought I would have anorexia someday. That's the last mental illness I was expecting to have.

Right now I'm watching Stef Sanjati's videos on her eating disorder. I have watched a couple of other YouTube videos on that subject already, and even though I have found no one with the same problems as me, I identify to some little parts of their stories.

I don't feel like taking my meds either, I just don't want to, and you're supposed to be eating while you take them, which I don't want to do either.

02:00 pm

I don't know if I'm hungry or if I just have a stomach ache. I don't feel like getting out of bed, my head hurts, I'm tired man!

Anyway, I was going through some stories here on wattpad and found the aro/ace stories, so I thought that I would discuss my sexuality for a little bit, because that's something I struggle with even now.

So, I'm a cisgender woman, I use she/her, but I don't mind being addressed by male pronouns, actually my mom uses male pronouns for me quite often.
I date a cisgender heterosexual man (boy, whatever) and I'm quite happy with my relationship, even though it's far from perfect.

I struggled with my sexuality and my attraction for a while. I was hearing my friends saying "this person is so hot! I want to have sex with them!" or "this is the most attractive person I've ever seen I want to date them!", and I've never felt like this.
I've never looked at so meone and thought "I want to date them" or anything, I didn't even know female masturbation was a thing until I was about 17.
And for a while I remember thinking "I'm not attracted to guys, I'm not attracted to girls, what am I attracted to?"
Because in my mind you were straight, gay or bi. So I identified as bi for a while, until I came upon the word "asexual", and I thought "Yes! That's what I am!".

But a little after my 18th birthday I started dating my now boyfriend, I might come back to "our story" later on, so if some things are a little confusing just wait until then haha. So, I didn't sleep with him for 11 months after our first kiss, and even though I don't mind sex that much, I don't really like it either. I could easily spend the rest of my life being abstinent. Especially after I started taking antidepressants, my libido is GONE. I don't want to see genitals, I don't want to talk about genitals, I don't want any of that.

So now I think that I'm demisexual, which means that I don't mind sex, but I have to be in love with the person first.

So yeah there's that, hope it was interesting.

It's four in the afternoon, I don't even care about putting the time in numbers. I feel like crap, I feel like I'm going to die I don't have the energy to move and I don't know who to ask for help. I'm crying right now I feel like I didn't cry for years.