Living with depression and anorexia

Wednesday, 21st March / Guilt and acne

02:55 pm

I woke up at 11 am today, which is nice. My boyfriend came by, which is nice too. He's really adorable, he tries to come and see me as often as he can, I'm really lucky I found someone like him.

I feel tired as hell though. I want to throw up and my head feels wierd.

I smoked today, not weed though, just a cigarette, which I usually never do and thought I never would do, I hate the smell, I hate the taste and it's way too expensive.
But I'm out of weed so I do want I can with what I have.

I feel so guilty for not being able to do anything.
When I say this to my doctor or my friends they tell me that I shouldn't be, that I'm suck and they don't expect a sick person to go out of their way to do stuff. And even though I know that they are right, that if they were depressed and anorexic I would have said the same thing.
"People don't expect someone with s broken leg to run a marathon" one of my friends said.

I can't help but feel guilty though.

And also, I tried eating yesterday, and tried really hard not to throw up, but it HURTS. My stomach HURTS because it just isn't used to digest food anymore. Like I can feel it going down, and my intestines squeeze my ovaries and it's awful, and moreover I'm on my period which doesn't help.

And by the way, I wanted to tell this little thing about me.

So, I have acne, and it's quite ugly. I have it on my face, chest, back and a couple on my HEAD.
IT'S👏NOT👏SUPPOSED👏TO👏BE👏ON👏MY👏HEAD👏
Anyways.
So back when I was in high school I was seeing the dermatologist all the time, she was like one of my best friends haha.
And when all the creams and pills didn't work she put me on roacutane (that's the French name, idk if it's the same in English).

So I took this for 6 months and my acne was GONE, there was nothing left and I felt really really good (even though this medication worsened my depression but hey, you can't have it all right).
But like right when I stopped taking it my acne came back again, so I took roacutane again, and my acne was gone again, but then IT CAME BACK.

So my dermatologist said it was most likely a hormonal acne, and said that I should try the pill.

So in April 2017 I started taking the pill, it was called trinordiol I think, and it did help me quite a bit.

But then, at the end of July I started feeling like shit, I was tired all the time, I ate even less than I used to, and everything just hurt.

I went to a doctor, who said I might have diabetes. So I got my blood drawn, which I HATE, and turns out I had a problem with my liver, not pancreas.

So I went to another doctor because I didn't like that one, and she told me that I needed to get my blood drawn again... and again... and again...

But she couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, and it is already the beginning of October.

So she sent me to someone who was specialised in liver stuff, and turns out, hepatitis !
My pill gave me the hepatitis!
I was dying for six months because of it! If I kept on taking it I would be dead by now.

So first, I can't take the pill anymore(or any type of hormonal contraception for that matter), and second, I can't stop throwing up.
For those who don't know, one of the symptoms of hepatitis is that you can't eat, and if you do eat you can't digest.
So I think that that's how I became anorexic, though I'm not sure yet.

I have an appointment with a therapist this Friday, I'll see how that goes.

I don't even know if I should try eating again, because to be honest, I'm quite hungry, but I also don't feel like throwing up.

10:10 pm

I didn't throw up today yet, I almost did earlier but my boyfriend stopped me from doing it.
I'm just sewing stuff on a bralette right now, if I don't do something I'm going to go crazy.