terrible things - ashton irwin

thirty three

It was time to go. We hurried out into the darkness, Ashton's arm wrapped around my shoulders. It was like a hug, as if now that we'd finally really touched, we couldn't bear to let go of each other, but it was also him using me to hold himself up.

I was still glowing. I felt brighter than any of the stars.

Kissing Ashton was like coming to the end of the desert and finding a spring. It was like sunshine after years of winter.

It was Christmas in June. It was-oh, give me a break, why bother with dumb poetic phrases?

What i felt was joy.

Joy that totally swept away the anxiety of breaking out of a hospital against medical advice. My list of rebellious feats was growing longer by the second.

At the edge of the parking lot, Ashton leaned down and gave me another deep kiss. Then he pulled away, smiling.

"Suddenly I feel like I can do anything," he said.

I felt exactly the same way. Everything would be fine. Or even better then fine. Magical.

"Just tell me that anything doesn't include taking another car," I said, pressing my hans against his scratchy cheek. "This is excitement enough."

Ashton kissed me again, his lips soft but urgent. At this rate we'd never leave the parking lot, and maybe I didn't even care, as long as this kept happening.

"I'd never ditch Chuck the Truck," Ashton said after a while. "He needs to see Detroit."

I laugh giddily, clearly the making out was messing with my head a little.

"Chuck the Truck?"

"Yes, ma'am," Ashton said. "Second cousin to Mikey the Motorcycle."

He laughed at his own joke and climbed into the truck. He started the engine, revving it a few times to warm it up. Then for some reason he scooted over into the passenger seat, where I was about to sit.

I quit my giggling.

"Um Ashton?" I said, eyeing the empty space behind the steering wheel.

He leaned back against the headrest.

"Yeah, I know I said I felt like I could do anything...but I think it's probably better if you drive right now."

I noticed that his voice had become raspy again, and he has his hand over his chest, as if were having trouble breathing.

"Then we should turn around and go back to hospital!" I insisted. "Detroit will still be there in a couple of days."

Ashton shook his head. "No way, Lav. I'm done with that place."

"But what if it's not done with you?"

He patted the seat. "Come here, Lav. Sit beside me."

I went around to the other side and clambered in to the truck's high bench seat. Ashton put his arm around my shoulders, and I buried my face in his flannel shirt. It smelled like the hospital, but underneath that, like him. Like soap and lemongrass and boy.

Of course I wanted to leave. I wanted to be alone with Ashton again. I wanted more of what we'd started in the hospital. A lot more.

But was this a mistake?

When Robinson spoke again, his voice seemed stronger. It was also seemed like he'd been reading my thoughts.

"Who care if leaving here is a mistake? I'd make this mistake again, a million times." he insisted. "We're together. That's what matters. I want to take this trip with you. That's all I want. That's all I need. I'm not going to be irradiated or scanned or biopsied or whatever it is they want to do to me."

I spoke into his shirt because I didn't want to move away from him, not even a single millimeter.

"But what if it's a death sentence? TO refuse treatment now?" I whispered.

Ashton scoffed. "A hospital is a death sentence. You can cut your finger, get a staph infection, and the next thing you know, you're checking out the grass from underneath. Leaving now, Lav, is choosing life."

I could hear the quick beating of his heart.

"But what is it's a shorter life?"

He shrugged. "Well, as Kurt Cobain said, 'It's better to burn out than to fade away.' Although, actually, he was quoting a Neil Young song."

I sat up suddenly. What in the world was I going to do with this infuriating person?

"May I remind you that Cobain used it in his suicide note?"

"Well, you have too admit he had a point, GG," Ashton said mildly.

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, calming myself. Ashton's hand reached out, and his fingers slipped between mine, trying to reassure me.

What id going what you wanted and doing what was right seemed like two entirely different things?

What if living the life you chose, you somehow doomed yourself, or worse, someone you loved?

After a minute, I opened my eyes. We couldn't know the future or how long it would last. We could only choose to be happy and alive right now.

"Okay, okay, you win, Ashton," I said. "But only on these conditions." I held up thee fingers. "One: do not call me GG, remember? Two: you kiss me one last time. And three: you are not allowed to die. Do you hear me?"

Ashton grinned and saluted me.

"Yes ma'am, and don't worry, it definitely won't be the last time." he said as he leaned down to kiss me on my forehead.

We shook on it, as if it were just that simple.

And then I gritted my teeth and started driving.

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word count - 888