terrible things - ashton irwin

thirty two

I was standing on the edge of the cliff again, and dream-Ashton was beside me, holding my hand. I knew he was supposed to tell me something that would reassure me, but he was so silent he could have been a ghost.

I took a step forward, about to plummet into the depths-

I woke with a start.

In the darkness, there was soft opera playing from the radio at the nurses' station, a kind of music that Ashton liked to claim was as deadly as cancer. The nurses always had a good laugh at that one.

I was about to close my eyes and roll back over when I saw the shape at the side of my bed. Ashton. He moved forward and touched my shoulder. Even in the darkness, I could see that he had his clothes on, not a hospital gown.

"Lav?"

I pushed my self up.

"It's time to leave," he said softly.

He placed my backpack at the foot of my bed and held out his hand to help me up. His fingers were warm and reassuring, as if I were the sick one. Ashton was always so careful with me.  I remembered walking the long halls of the hospital with him, the two of us weak we shuffled like octogenarians.

"Octo-what?" he'd said.

"Octogenarians. People in their eighties."

He'd laughed. "Oh, I don't have to worry about living that long."

I'd stopped in my tracks. What about that coin toss? Didn't that mean anything?

"What are you talking about?" I'd demanded.

Ashton grinned. "Lav, I'm going to be a rock star, I'll wear out my body by sixty-five," he explained. "Too many decibels. Too much rock 'n' roll. You can read about me in books someday. I'll be the guy slayed by music. I knew that dude, you'll say. He was cool."

Now in the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, I touched Ashton's shoulder.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

Faintly I could see him smile.

"I think I've seen enough of La Junta," he said. "We'd better be moving on."

-

I didn't bother asking him to look away while I changed into ever-so-slightly-less-grimy clothes. For one, it was dark, and for two, what secrets did I still have from him?

Besides the fact that I loved him, obviously. But maybe it was time to let go of that secret, too, if only I could be brave enough.

Ashton had moved over to the window, his face dimly lit by the orange glow of the parking lot lights. When I was dressed in my jeans and a rumpled sweater, I went to stand beside him.

"Did you know that Cancer is the dimmest constellation of the zodiac?" he asked

When I shook my head, he pointed to the dark sky.

"It's over there. And it doesn't look anything like a crab."

"I didn't know you were such an astronomer."

Out of the corner of my eye I could see his grin.

"Lav, I have facets you can't even imagine."

I felt almost dizzy when he said that. Is it possible that you can love someone more than you love life itself, and yet you're still never going to know for sure everything he's thinking? I wanted, I needed, to see everything facet of Ashton that I could, for as long as I could.

"And the crazy thing?' Ashton went on. "Every star that you see out there is bigger and brighter than the sun. They only look small because they're farther away." He was still gazing out of the window as if a message were written for him in the sky.

The message is right here, Ashton, I wanted to say. Look at me, and I'll tell you.

Still, though, I was mute. I tentatively moved closer to his side and clumsily knocked into his with my hip. For a moment I worried the bump I'd given his was too hard. How fragile was he? But when he didn't seem to notice, I wondered if I should try it again. I wondered if I should grab his hand. I wondered if I should tackle him throw him to the floor, and kiss every inch of his frail, beautiful body.

I scooted closer to him again, and this time it felt like it registered. He was suddenly more aware of me. He stayed very still as energy seemed to ripple in the air between us. I held my breath, and I think he was holding his, too.

Now is the time, Lav, I thought. Carpe diem.

I reached across him to his far hand and turned him toward me.

"I have something to tell you," I whispered.

"I'm all ears," he whispered back.

he waited silently, giving my eyes time to search his face his high forehead covered by his perfectly placed curls, his light eyes, his full mouth.

I opened my lips, but nothing came out. I was the writer, the reader, and now, when I truly needed to say things I'd been waiting to say for what seemed like forever, words were utterly failing me.

"It's okay," Ashton said softly.

What's okay? I could have asked. Nothing is okay! We're in hospital because you could be dying! How many more chances will I have to chicken out before you're suddenly gone?

If I couldn't say anything. I had to do something. Right this second. Or I might never get to feel the sensation of his lips touching my lips.

I couldn't live without that.

And that was all it took. I wrapped my arms around his neck and brushed my face so close to his that his unshaved chin tickled my skin. And then, I kissed him.

When out lips let, in a rush of warmth and softness, electricity flooded my body. I was sure that I began to glow. That I was full of starlight.

Finally. This is what I'd been aching for. And from the way Ashton's breath instantly melted into mine...I left for all the world like he'd been aching for it, too.

Why on earth had we waited to long?

Ashton's arms tightened around my waist, and his hands found their way into my hair. A tiny moan escaped from his throat, and he kissed me full-strength, like he'd never been sick and never would be again...like he was more alive than ever.

And so was I.

After a minute, or an hour, we pulled apart, breathless. My cheeks were burning,  and my whole body left like it was vibrating. Like it was singing.

At first Ashton's eyes looked so solemn that my breath caught in my throat. Then, like a light blinking on in darkness, came the smile that I craved, that crooked grim full of life.

"I love you, Lavender Moore," he whispered. "What else can I say?"

I shook my head and smiled, my eyes glistening. I was still so overwhelmed that I couldn't say a word.

If this was what life was like without words, a life of doing, not just talking, I just might be willing to give them up forever.

-

word count - 1209

ah well this chapter was cute